Comics I Wish Everyone Would Read

This is how cancel culture can often work

This is how a lot of people seem to think privilege works

This is our legal system and every business contract in a nutshell

This is the platform of a lot of politicians when campaigning (regardless of party)

This is what it feels like to become old and not “with it” anymore

This is the people in your life that make you feel good despite your flaws

This is all the stuff that makes you irrationally mad until it suddenly doesn’t

This just reminds me of Wiz Khalifa bragging about having a car that “pushes to start”

You should definitely peruse loadingartist.com at some point in your life because Gregor does great work that I cannot recommend highly enough.

👀 STUFF THAT CAUGHT MY EYE 👀

This is the best thing I’ve seen written about Coronavirus all year. Turns out Bloomberg is far less of a finance bro website than I thought:

https://www.bloomberg.com/opinion/articles/2020-05-31/coronavirus-the-golden-rule-is-dying-of-covid-19

Somehow Reddit of all places had the best internet discussion of systemic racism I’ve come across this week:

https://www.reddit.com/r/news/comments/gr3e3q/woman_is_fired_after_calling_police_on_black_man/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Being in the Transition Generation is Weird

I’ve been thinking about how weird it is to be a part of the generation that is able to clearly understand pre and post internet life.

There’s a generation above me (my parents and all of humanity before them) that have a very minimal understanding of the internet. 

There is a generation below me (my younger cousins and all of humanity after them) where this is basically the world that they’ve always known.

And then there’s the weird in between generation that I’m part of that kind of has a foot in both worlds.

You don’t have to be a sociologist to understand that the internet has changed how we socialize. Just look at this tweet:

It either means nothing to you or like me it brought a smile to your face because you can read arabic and have seen this:

Memes and emojis are a language we’ve now all become fluent in. Way more people now meet online than offline. Videogames are now more popular than movies. Instagram and TikTok mean everyone can now choose to have their own personal reality show. And to old folks it feels hard to understand, to younger generations it makes perfect sense and to people in the transition generation it all feels…kind of weird.

You also don’t have to be an economist to understand that the internet has changed how we work. I vividly remember trekking around with my parents to drop off physical resumes and less than nine years later most of those same places would literally only accept online job applications. Also, look at this chart:

CompanyCap Rank5-12-20Market Cap5-12-201d Chg5-12-201m Chg5-12-2012m Chg5-12-20
Microsoft11,384.1-2.3%10.5%43.6%
Apple21,346.5-1.1%16.2%57.9%
Amazon31,175.6-2.2%15.4%24.7%
Alphabet4938.9-2.0%14.0%17.8%
Facebook5598.6-1.4%19.9%11.6%

The five most valuable companies according to investors right now all make their money primarily thanks to the internet. At its best the internet makes things more convenient. Pretty much anything we could ever want is just a click or tap away. Connecting with family. Learning pretty much anything. Even your favourite treats. Remember when you couldn’t do that? It sucked. But internet driven businesses have also made the lives of some undeniably worse. Just because the seemingly unstoppable combination of software and capitalism is good at commodifying data doesn’t mean we need to commodify each other and ourselves. 1

Now I don’t mean to get all “old man yells at cloud”. I love the internet. An argument could be made that Google (with the exception of maybe organized religion if you are being picky) has accomplished more for humanity than any group of people in history. And I think a big part of why it feels weird is solely due to being a part of this weird in between generation. One day we’re helping our parents understand how to set up online banking and the next we feel old because we don’t understand what this finger touching emoji actually means. It also means you have to mentally filter whether every piece of advice you get from someone older is actually practical or valid in the post internet era. It’s jarring. 

But I also tend to just overuse the words weird and strange so I googled the definition to be sure it’s what I truly mean. 2 Apparently weird is defined as “unusual or surprising in a way that is unsettling or hard to understand” and while that may be a bit harsh it definitely somewhat captures the feeling I’ve been having on the internet quite a bit lately. There are aspects of internet culture that are amazing and aspects that are horrifying and as the generation primarily responsible for shaping it in its infancy we should all put a little more thought into which ones we support.

What a time to be alive.

👀 THINGS THAT CAUGHT MY EYE 👀

Perhaps the greatest subreddit of all time

https://www.reddit.com/r/KidsAreFuckingStupid/top/?t=all

The movie “The Terminal” (highly recommended btw) somehow happened in real life

https://www.hindustantimes.com/delhi-news/german-man-living-at-delhi-airport-since-mar-18/story-VIJm8lsHTNxaws4mo99YDN.html

Super cool music challenge

https://pudding.cool/2020/04/music-challenge/

  1. These are all good things to read. All I’ll add is that I strongly believe you should be able to live comfortably in society without a “personal brand” or “side hustle”.
  2. It’s weird. I use it to mean everything from a polite way of saying “that’s dumb let’s stop talking about this” to “I’m having an unbelievably strong reaction to this for some reason and I’m not quite sure why”

Arrogance is the Worst

I don’t feel very strongly about many things but arrogance is one of them. Arrogance enrages me viscerally. In fact, I am fairly certain that the only piece of generic advice I ever feel 100% confident about giving is this..

Do your best not to be arrogant. Ever.

There are many types of arrogance. 1 Preachy arrogance. Discriminatory arrogance. Taking yourself way too seriously to have fun arrogance. Avoiding all responsibility by blaming everyone else arrogance. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Most religions are very against arrogance but don’t get it twisted there are arrogant people over there too. We should all worry a little about systems that result in arrogant people winning or taking power. I’m all for strong beliefs, disagreement and the competition of ideas just don’t be arrogant.

Don’t be too arrogant to teach, learn or change your mind. Don’t be arrogant enough to think people aren’t entitled to make mistakes. Don’t be too arrogant to apologize when you make a mistake and don’t be too arrogant to accept a sincere apology. If you’re ever unsure, it’s probably better to just err on the potentially less arrogant side. And if you think someone else is behaving arrogantly give them the benefit of the doubt until you can’t anymore. 

No good comes from arrogance so try to avoid it. Or as better and more succinctly put by someone way more poetically inclined than me..

Be humble. Sit down.

👀 THINGS THAT CAUGHT MY EYE 👀

Have you ever seen a giant cheque out of context? My neighbour has multiple for some reason.

  1. I googled “types of arrogance” as a part of writing this and according to researchers there’s apparently only 3 types of arrogance…the arrogance of thinking you have discovered a grand unified theory of arrogance 😂

TikTok is Good and Resiliency Can Be Too

The last post was kind of depressing so it’s time for a little pick me up. There’ve been two things that have given me a surprising amount of joy and optimism during these dark times:

1 – TikTok

I’ve discovered that asking for someone’s opinion on TikTok is a good litmus test for determining if someone is a buzzkill or not. Anybody that “doesn’t get it” or that takes themself to seriously to enjoy it probably isn’t someone that you want in your life because it’s a damn good app. 1

2 – Quarantine wedding content. 

At first I found them a bit sad but the more I come across them the happier they make me. There’s something super cool about people being resilient and celebrating a joyous occasion amidst all this. 2

👀 THINGS THAT CAUGHT MY EYE 👀

There’s no such thing as a clickbait headline anymore:

https://www.vox.com/2020/5/1/21244463/kayleigh-mcenany-first-press-briefing-lies

https://www.linkedin.com/feed/news/half-of-humanity-told-to-stay-home-4531387

With so many terrifying graphs and charts lately it’s nice to see a funny one:

https://xkcd.com/2301/

Unexpected quarantine trends:

https://meetglimpse.com/covid19/

  1. The fact that Quibi is asking for however much a month while TikTok is free is laughable.
  2. Resiliency in the good way not in the “hold up, that’s actually sad” way.

How is anything even knowable anymore?

I’ve been having two seemingly conflicting thoughts recently: 

1 – We’re all hopeless idiots who know very little individually.  

2 – Being able to discount or filter out potential false information is more important than ever.

The first is an idea I’ve become a little fascinated with ever since I heard this incredible piece of radio. So much of our society is built upon trusting other people that know more than us and as this pandemic has demonstrated over and over again a lot of bad things happen when that trust is eroded.

The second has been something that has crossed my mind quite a bit as we all struggle to separate fact from fiction during this pandemic. Are masks necessary? Are recovered people immune? How did this all start? Nobody seems to know. We have gone from a world with gatekeepers of information (which had its own downsides) to an exhausting world in which we are bombarded with more conflicting information sources than ever before.

So how is one supposed to survive in this world? The first remedy that comes to mind is by increasing overall media literacy. Being able to gauge the quality of information and its source is becoming an increasingly valuable skill in and of itself. Perhaps this has changed but I know I sure as hell didn’t have a class covering this in school and is critical thinking something that can truly be taught in a classroom? I’m not sure but I’ve definitely found this to be a handy image to drop in the occasional group chat:

And the thing is this isn’t even the worst of it because….the deep fakes are coming.

I don’t really have much to add on this beyond the frighteningly obvious thought:

HOLY SHIT THIS IS TERRIFYING AND GOING TO MAKE THINGS SO MUCH WORSE

I hope and pray that there are a bunch of smart people working on ways to counteract and get ahead of this.

👀 THINGS THAT CAUGHT MY EYE 👀

Bezos is hella rich:

https://mkorostoff.github.io/1-pixel-wealth/

 😍

https://www.boredpanda.com/tulip-garden-keukenhof-photography-albert-dros/

This kid is a legend:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/05/us/utah-boy-driver.html

I Miss Basketball

I have no idea how it took me so long to discover the Wikipedia pages for NBA regular season / post season records but I’m glad I did. As a basketball fan that misses the playoffs dearly it was just what I needed. Some unfiltered thoughts upon first glance:

  • We are all potentially living through the golden age of basketball: 
    • At first I thought that it was because I am a bigger hoops fan than any other sport but a quick skim through the record pages for other sports I follow at a reasonably close level seems to confirm that there are just way more records held by NBA players playing over the past 2-3 decades than in other sports. 
  • Steph Curry is amazing: 
    • Reggie Miller is in second place all time with 2560 career three pointers made over 1389 games. Steph is slightly behind him with 2483 career three pointers in less than half as many games (694). It is only a matter of time before he passes Ray Allen in the number one spot with 2973 three pointers made.
  • John Stockton is underrated: 
    • This might just be my own basketball blind spot but how is John Stockton not ranked higher among all time greats when he is so far ahead of everyone in career assists and steals? He has more than 20% higher totals than the second place record holder in both (Jason Kidd both times weirdly). Longevity matters!
  • Random Raptor facts that blew my mind: 
    • Kawhi has the highest win percentage of all time (75%). 
    • DeMar has the record for most free throws made in a row in one game (24).
    • Giannis’ 20 rebound game against the Raps this postseason put him in a 9 way tie for most defensive rebounds in a playoff game.
  • The NBA has really good nicknames: 
    • Popeye Jones and Sleepy Flloyd in particular stand out since I hadn’t heard of them.
  • There will always be incredibly influential sports stars that you will not be aware of simply because they played so long ago: 
    • I mean how have I never heard of Joe Fulks?
  • Things that genuinely surprised me: 
    • Derek Fisher holds the record for most playoff games played in (259).
  • Things I knew but that still kind of surprised me when seen written out: 
    • Shaq missed an insane amount of free throws (5317)
    • The Lakers have made the finals a lot (31 times)
    • The spurs have been good for a while (22 playoff appearances in a row as of this year). 

God bless people that update wikipedia pages. I legitimately feel like I should have paid for this experience.

👀 THINGS THAT CAUGHT MY EYE 👀

A super strange and fascinating read:

https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/air-sinai-ghost-flight

People with weird opinions:

 http://vulture.com/2020/01/comedians-on-comedy-cliches.html

Sometimes things are funny until they aren’t:

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2020-03-31/divorces-spike-in-china-after-coronavirus-quarantines

Another Bloggy Blog

So we are 3874932 days into quarantine (or at least it feels like it) and seeing as how baking and running (my two newly discovered quarantine hobbies) aren’t really viable options in Ramadan I’ve decided to start blogging. 1

Up until now my personal way of documenting this coronavirus madness has been by collecting funny memes about it that I’ve come across but we’re about two months in now, the dank memes are drying up, the sad idea that this is going to be the new normal for a while has fully settled in and I figure it’s time for something a little better.

My hope is for this to be a way to sporadically share thoughts and interesting things I’ve come across. I say sporadically because I’m guessing it’ll probably be a biweekly ting (the less ambitious biweekly) at best. Most of us are spending too much time on the internet right now anyway and I need something to keep me from being a complete hermit.

Now here is a tiktok that just might be my dad’s favourite video of all time.

  1. Quarantine has 100% turned me into a middle-aged housewife.

Tracklist.

Urban Time Machine

INT. GIANTCORP CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

The almost-laughably-long boardroom table is surrounded by a handful of sharply dressed suits who quietly make small talk with each other. The chatter dies down as soon as JEFF JEFFERSON (old, cocky) walks in

JEFF

Time is money guys. Let’s get started.

Jeff takes a seat at the head of the table.

JEFF

Really? Nothing huh. That joke usually kills.

One executive (Frank) near the back begins to laugh maniacally.

FRANK

(between fits of forced laughter)

Because we sell time machines guys...so time actually is money for us! Very funny sir!

JEFF

It’s not that funny, Frank. Keep it in your pants. Have some self respect.

Jeff surveys the room. Like most executive boardrooms, it’s very male and very pale.

JEFF

It looks like everyone’s here. What about on the conference call? Debbie is anybody missing?

DEBBIE (V.O.)

Jen from legal had a flight delay so she’s gonna be a little late in joining but every one else is on the call.

JEFF

Great, legal tends to ruin the fun most of the time anyway. Just let me know when she joins the call and we’ll get her up to speed quickly.

Jeff turns to address the room.

JEFF

So as you all know, our machines have been severely under-performing in the urban demographic. I’ve called this meeting to see if there’s anything that we can do about that. Richard has your market research group been able to make leads on this? Or is this pointless endeavor like....like a restaurant trying to get certain customers to tip more you know?

Jeff doesn’t notice the uncomfortable silence in the room.

JEFF

HEYYOOO! God, I love it when legal’s not here. Anyway’s what do you have for us Richard?

Richard hesitates as if considering whether to address this introduction. He decides not to.

RICHARD

So um our team was actually able to find a number of interesting potential root causes. For example, there was far less brand recognition in more urban demographics which is indicative of misallocated marketing resources. We also found they were more sensitive to the relatively high entry price point. Finally and probably most importantly, we realized that urban demographics demonstrated far less enthusiasm for going back in time.

JEFF

Can you put that into numbers for me Dick? I’m a numbers guy.

RICHARD

Sure, 70% of black respondents in our survey selected the least interested response which was “I have interest in going back in time at all whatsoever.”

JEFF

Any common reasons why?

RICHARD

We didn’t have any further prompts in the survey to ask why but I can definitely take a guess at one big one.

JEFF

What?

RICHARD

Well slavery, sir.

JEFF

Of course! How’d we miss this? Shouldn’t we have caught this earlier?

RICHARD

In theory this is the type of stuff our focus groups should catch but there were some weaknesses

JEFF

Weaknesses?

RICHARD

There was only one black person in the sample focus group.

Richard looks down at his notes.

RICHARD

Fatima Withers, age 36. While most of her answers where about average, she did seem to have a weird obsession with going back in time in order to ‘give that thang up to Tupac’.

Jeff thinks this over for far too long before turning towards the right side of the room.

JEFF

That settles it, Tom I’m going to need R&D to quickly build out a version of the product that only goes forward. This’ll help ensure we don’t miss out on potential African-American market share.

TOM, the meek looking head of R&D looks confused by this request.

TOM

Well sir, that’s technically impossible. The laws of physics dictate that any motion --

JEFF

You know what else was considered impossible? Fitting every song you could ever possibly listen to into the palm of your hand. But we have iPhones now. You know who did that?

TOM

Steve Jo-

JEFF

Steve Jobs. He proved that if you believe hard enough you can make the impossible possible. So I promise you Tom that this is possible. You know why? Because I believe in you.

Tom, isn’t sure how to respond to this random pep talk.

JEFF

What are you still doing here buddy? Get on back out there and let’s start making this possible!

A flustered Tom grabs his stuff and heads out of the room.

INT. GIANTCORP HALLWAY – DAY

Tom whips out his cell phone as soon as he exits the room.

TOM

Hey Rajeev, guess what he wants now?

RAJEEV

A blowjob.

TOM

No of course not. Why would he want a blowjob?

RAJEEV

I don’t know you said guess so I did.

TOM

He wants a machine that only goes forward in time.

RAJEEV

Is that motherfucker serious? You told him that’s impossible right.

TOM

Yeah I tried but he gave the Jobs speech again.

RAJEEV

We’re so fucked.

TOM

The rest of the guys are going to hate me when they hear this.

RAJEEV

Maybe not. What if instead of building a whole new machine, we just took out the back button?

TOM

Extracting that functionality from the code base is going to be pretty painful.

RAJEEV

No no no no no no. Think simpler. We just have to take out the physical back button.

TOM

Brilliant! We were completely overthinking it. You’re a genius Rajeev.

RAJEEV

Well I mean technically we both are.

The two share a chuckle at this.

INT. GIANTCORP CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Jeff has now turned his attention to the head of finance and initial ass-kisser, Frank.

JEFF

So Frank, I understand Richard’s shared some of the data regarding the price sensitivity concerns with you. Do you have any ideas on how we can approach this?

FRANK

Yes, I was thinking that we could begin to offer no money down financing on our time machines. I’ve run the numbers and even with pretty high projected default rates we’d actually be making quite a bit more on each machine thanks to the interest.

JEFF

Wait, are you proposing that we become a bank?

FRANK

Not exactly but I do think that we have the scale to be able to handle a simple financing program. Plus fintech is a growing market and--

JEFF

-- I know you’re pretty new here Frank so let me help you out a little. Unlike your old buddies over on Wall street who seem to have no issue with directly fucking over the poor for a quick dime, we really prefer to sleep at night with a clear conscience.

FRANK

Sorry, I guess I got excited by the potentially significant revenue stream. I’ll tell the guys to stop working on it.

JEFF

Don’t be silly Frank, we’re having trouble making next quarter’s target as is. We just need to find a way to contract out the actual lending while keeping the income. We have to be at least one step removed from that type of shit because unlike your banker buddies we’ve got a half decent reputation to maintain.

FRANK

Oh. Kind of like how Apple outsources to Foxconn?

JEFF

Exactly. See you’re picking up the Silicon Valley mindset already!

Frank’s face lights up at this validation. He smiles the way only a true sycophant can.

JEFF

Great so now that we got the money stuff out of the way let’s talk marketing. Liam, you’re up.

Liam, the overly enthusiastic and dresses-way-younger-than-he-actually-is head of marketing stands up and walks towards the other end of the table where a projector and screen are set up.

LIAM

Rather than walking you through a boring and mind-numbing marketing plan I thought I’d just show you one of the new ads we’ve been working on to target the urban demographic. After all if a pictures worth a thousand words then a video’s got to be worth a couple hundred million right? So without further ado, here it is. I really think you’ll enjoy it!

The lights in the room are dimmed and the ad begins to play on the screen.

A YOUNG BLACK BOY dribbles a basket ball down the street when he comes across a large billboard. His eyes widen and he immediately sprints back in the other direction.

A TATTOOED BLACK GANGBANGER is stopped at a red light in his lowrider with outrageous rims. He looks up at the sign and immediately screeches off into the distance.

AN OLD BLACK LADY in a ridiculous hat and her Sunday best comes across the billboard and faints.

The billboard is finally revealed.

BIG CORP TIME MACHINES NOW AVAILABLE WITH 0 MONEY DOWN

DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING SOUNDING VOICE ACTOR (V.O.)

Free at last! Free at last! Giantcorp time machines are free at last!

The projector fades to black and a grinning Liam steps in front of the screen.

LIAM

What do you guys think? Amazing right?!

JEFF

Liam, it’s not often that I’m speechless.

A few executives share nervous looks. No one is quite sure whether Jeff means the good or bad type of speechless.

JEFF

It’s perfect. Let’s get this ad running as soon as we can. Way to end this meeting on a high note Liam! Debbie did we cover everything on the agenda?

DEBBIE (V.O.)

Jen wanted to cover some legal stuff related to the no money down financing but I don’t see her on the call. Her flight must’ve held her up.

JEFF

Thank god! Jen would only be a downer after that amazing work of art we just witnessed. Let’s call it a meeting and send her the minutes. And make sure to attach those two ads!

DEBBIE (V.O.)

Sure thing boss.

JEFF

That’s about it. Thanks for your time everyone!

Everyone shuffles out of the room. There is an eerie few moments of silence before the phone in the middle of the table lights up.

JEN (V.0.)

Hello, are you guys still there? It’s Jen. I’m so sorry about being late.

(beat)

Helloooo?

(email notification sound followed by another beat)

Meeting minutes already? That was fast.

We hear Jen beginning to watch the first of the two ads. She instantly recognizes what it is. Her voice suddenly sounds a lot more frustrated, a lot more southern and a lot more...black.

JEN

Oh hell naw! My blood pressure’s way too high for this shit.

Ramadan Press Conference

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE – DAY

DR. MOHAMED ABDULLAHI stands at a podium in front of a crowd of reporters.

DR. MOHAMED

Once again, I’d like to thank you all for listening so attentively to our Ramadan press conference. In addition to our website which has been updated, the press packet you’ve all received contains some additional basic facts and FAQs about the month. I’m sure some of you are eager to ask questions however, so I’m happy to open up the floor.

Dr. Mohamed points to a reporter on his right.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

Nancy Jeffries, CNN. When you say refrain from food and drink, what type of beverages are we talking about? Is it just a month off from alcohol or is it all beverages? Where do you draw the line?

DR. MOHAMED

Well actually, Muslims are completely forbidden from drinking alcohol year round so that’s not too much of a change. However, Ramadan fasting does apply to all other food and beverages.

NANCY JEFFRIES

Even water?

DR. MOHAMED

Yes, even water. Next question?

Dr. Mohamed points to his left.

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

Becky Sanderson, Us Weekly. Sorry, she just asked my question. I was going to ask about water.

There is an awkward pause as we all question why it took Becky so long to put down her hand.

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

Ethan Miller, Fox News. What is your response to those who’ve been saying fasting is un-American?

DR. MOHAMED

Who’s been saying that?

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

(clearly lying)

People.

DR. MOHAMED

Did these people happen to mention why it would be un-American?

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

Everyone knows that America’s all about freedom and choosing to restrict yourself so severely just seems kind of...un-American.

DR. MOHAMED

I’m not sure I would 100% agree with that first statement but as far as I’m aware American freedom includes religious freedom and the ability to choose your own beliefs and rituals. Think about it this way, people choose to diet all the time – is dieting un-American? Next question.

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

Becky Sanderson, Us Weekly. How do you guys not die?

DR. MOHAMED

I’m sorry?

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

Well I would think that 30 days without food or water would result in, you known – death?

DR. MOHAMED

We break our fasts every night. I guess we’ll have to add that to next year’s press packet.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

Do Muslim’s brush their teeth during Ramadan? Does that count as breaking your fast?

DR. MOHAMED

Nope, since toothpaste isn’t a food that is ingested it would be fine.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

What about gum? Sometimes I swallow my gum by accident, would that be fine?

DR. MOHAMED

Yes, since you didn’t intend to eat the gum that would also be fine.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

I read somewhere that we eat eight spiders a year in our sleep. What does Islam have to say about this? Say I was dreaming about food, would that count as intent?

DR. MOHAMED

I’m not sure. I’ll have to reach out to some scholars and get back to you on that one.

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

Can you comment on a recent study that indicates that Ramadan hunger related anger is fuelling terrorism?

DR. MOHAMED

I haven’t heard of that study can you tell me more about it?

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

I think that we can all agree that most Muslims are pretty angry and I know I get angry when I’m hungry so maybe the two are related?

DR. MOHAMED

Once again, not sure that I’d agree with that first part. And without concrete proof, connecting those two claims just seems a little outrageous to me but I’ll have to look through that report before I can comment. Can you send it to me?

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

Sure..It’s been quite a while since I’ve read it so I’ll have to see if I can find it.

Dr. Mohamed nods and points to another reporter.

DR. MOHAMED

Yes, Becky?

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

Becky Sanderson, Us Weekly. Can you tell me a little more about the benefits of the Ramadan diet?

DR. MOHAMED

I wouldn’t exactly call it a diet but yeah I guess there could potentially be health benefits. I’m not a medical doctor though so I can’t really comment on that.

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

But your name’s Dr. Mohamed? And I’m pretty sure I heard you referring to it as a diet earlier in this press conference.

DR. MOHAMED

(exasperated)

I have my doctorate in Islamic Theology and I was just using dieting as a somewhat analogous choice earlier, sorry for the confusion.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

My neighbour who’s a Muslim once told me that it’s extremely offensive in his culture to turn down a gift or invitation. If I invite him over for dinner in Ramadan what would he have to do? Say yes or say no?

DR. MOHAMED

I don’t want to speak for your neighbour but I think most Muslims would say no. Ethan, you get the last question.

Nancy pumps her fist in joy. She clearly doesn’t like her neighbour.

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

How do you think Ramadan fasting affected Barack Obama’s effectiveness as President?

DR. MOHAMED

Come on Ethan, you really think you would fool me with that one? But for the record, Obama’s not a muslim.

For some reason Dr. Mohamed winks slowly as he answers that last question. As the press conference wraps up and all the journalists begin leaving the room we close on Ethan from Fox news. He’s clearly frustrated and a look at his notepad reveals several potential outrageous headlines that have been crossed out. He then smiles and writes out a new one “Potentially fake Muslim doctor questions America’s freedom and refuses to respond to Ramadan rumours. Terrorist? We’ll let you decide.