The Only Truly Renewable Energy Source

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE BREAK ROOM – DAY

Larry Bayschen, a nerdy looking scientists in lab coat, pours himself a cup of coffee as he wraps up a conversation with someone offscreen.

LARRY

I remember what those years were like with Allen, we must have gone through a box of tissues a week! If only we could find a way to convert all of that energy into electricity right? I’ll see you around buddy. Hey, don’t forget to send me that email!

Larry, still smiling at his dumb joke, begins to stir his coffee when his eyes widen and he suddenly stops. He reaches into his shirt pocket for a pen and begins to frantically write on a nearby napkin.

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY

Larry now stands at a whiteboard in his office and is still frantically writing away. He has used up most of the whiteboard and is struggling to fit whatever he is writing into the last corner when he stops and pauses.

LARRY

I’ve always wanted to do this.

Larry moves down the wall from the whiteboard and continues writing on a window instead. We see that he is writing complex math formulas.

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY – LATER

Larry stands in the middle of his office admiring his now completed masterpiece. We finally get to see the entire whiteboard and window. They’re both filled with incomprehensible math but also several diagrams that are instantly recognizable – diagrams of dicks. Giant dicks, tiny dicks, dicks with formulas in them, annotated dicks with formulas outside them, just lots and lots of dicks. Larry walks to his desk and presses a button on his telephone.

NANCY (OFFSCREEN)

Yes Mr. Bayschen?

LARRY

Nancy, I think I might have just cracked this whole thing. I’m going to need you to clear my schedule for this afternoon because I’m really on a roll here.

NANCY

Oh okay. Well I don’t want to throw you off or anything but you didn’t have any meetings scheduled anyway. Anthony actually just cancelled. Is that all Mr. Bayschen?

LARRY

No uh. One more thing.

NANCY

Yes?

LARRY

This is going to sound a bit odd, so I’m just going to go ahead and say it. Can you buy me a bunch of those replica penis models. I think they’re colloquially known as dildos? It’s actually work related.

NANCY

Sure it is..

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY

Larry types away busily at his computer when the front door to his office bursts open and another scientists walks in.

HAKEEM

Hey Larry, we were just going to go grab some coffee. Want to join us?

Hakeem sees a giant stack of dildos on Larry’s desk.

HAKEEM

You seem busy, I can always come back tomorrow.

Hakeem begins to head back out the door when he notices one of the formulas on the whiteboard.

HAKEEM

Wait a second, is this what I think this is Larry?

LARRY

Yeah, you’re actually the first person that’s seen it. What do you think?

HAKEEM

Larry I’m going to be completely honest with you. This is going to be either the most brilliant or most idiotic thing to ever come out of this office. Do you really think it can work?

LARRY

I don’t know. I still haven’t found any reason why it can’t.

The two lock eyes. Hakeem is intrigued.

MONTAGE

-Larry walks Hakeem through the various formulas throughout the room. Larry is extremely excited when he notices that Hakeem has suddenly stopped nodding along. Hakeem stops Larry as if to say “You forgot something” and then draws a few hairs on one of the penis diagrams. The two smile at this dumb joke. So far so good.

-Larry shows Hakeem his brilliant idea on a 3D model. It pretty much just looks like he is mimicking masturbation using a dildo. Hakeem shakes his head and snatches the dildo. Hakeem then begins mimicking masturbation with two hands instead of one. This is much better.

– Larry sits at his desk screwing together what appears to be a small watch while Hakeem stands behind him. Larry puts the watch on his wrist and begins fake masturbating on the dildo (using two hands of course). As Larry continues to pump away, a lightbulb on his desk flickers on. Both of their jaws drop in amazement.

LARRY

Holy shit. It works perfectly.

HAKEEM

Nope, not yet.

Hakeem walks across the room to the window sill which has hand sanitizer on it. He pumps a little into his hand, walks over and transfers it into Larry’s hand.

HAKEEM

Now it’s perfect. I think you’ve finally earned it Larry.

The two laugh at this exceptionally dumb joke like only nerdy scientists could.

INT. SUPER FANCY HOME OFFICE – DAY

Larry and Hakeem sit in an expensive and intimidating home office. Across from them sits an impeccably dressed man who looks exactly like Anthony Weiner. The two scientists are showing him a video of their experiment. There is an uncomfortable silence after the video stops playing as Anthony tries to comprehend it all.

ANTHONY

Are you guys messing with me? You guys have to be messing with me right?

LARRY

No, sir. This is 100% real.

ANTHONY

Look, I know you scientist types are late bloomers but you do know what this looks like right?

HAKEEM

We’re well aware. It uh, it actually inspired the design.

ANTHONY

And there’s no way we can use the technology in a less...graphic way?

LARRY

It’s by far the most effective design. Humans don’t often move in such a vigorous and repetitive manner.

ANTHONY

Unbelievable. We put 40% of our R&D budget into this and this is the result? A demo video that looks like something out of an awkward high school health class.

Anthony slams the laptop screen down in disgust.

ANTHONY

You guys remember all the feminine hygiene jokes when the iPad came out right? This is going to be a million times worse than that.

Anthony closes his eyes and rubs his temples as he thinks.

ANTHONY

(sarcastically)

Marketing is going to love this.

EXT. ROADSIDE – DAY

A burly man in a bright orange vest finishes putting up a giant roadside billboard. As he finishes, he steps back to admire his work and giggles. The billboard says “The Planet Comes First” in big bold letters with a photo of Larry and Hakeem’s device. In smaller letters it says “The world’s first renewable energy pocket rocket. A Weiner Industries product.”

INT. STOCK EXCHANGE STAGE – DAY

Anthony Weiner stands behind a large podium, in front of an enthusiastic audience.

ANTHONY WEINER

Today is an important day in the history of Weiner Industries but we are not here today solely to celebrate our success and IPO. No, today is much more important than that. Today is a celebration of human ingenuity.

INT. HOME OFFICE – DAY

A middle aged woman sits at a desk typing away when the lights in her office begin to flicker. She immediately begins to mimic masturbation and the lights return back to normal.

ANTHONY WEINER (V.O.)

Today we are celebrating the innovative thinking that has brought into this world a powerful and reliable new energy source.

EXT. ROADSIDE – DAY

A middle aged man sit in his car roadside. We can’t be sure but it certainly looks like he is masturbating vigorously. He finishes and then starts his car.

ANTHONY WEINER (V.O.)

An energy source that is portable and efficient.

EXT. STREET – DAY

A homeless man masturbates on the sidewalk right next to a small portable heater.

ANTHONY WEINER (V.O.)

While also remaining cheap and accessible enough to bring electricity to even the least fortunate.

INT. STOCK EXCHANGE STAGE – DAY

We’re back at the IPO podium.

ANTHONY WEINER

So it’s only right that I ask Larry Bayschen, the man who invented this revolutionary power source, the man who Weiner Industries and the world at large will forever remember as a scientific genius to help me ring this bell. Mr. Bayschen?

Larry smiles and joins Anthony as the crowd roars. A bit of a chant even begins to break out.

CROWD

LA-RRY! LA-RRY! LA-RRY!

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY

Larry is fast asleep in his chair with his feet on his desk as a conference call blares over the telephone speaker on his desk. He abruptly wakes up as he hears his name.

TELEPHONE VOICE 1

What do you think Larry? Larry? Larry?

TELEPHONE VOICE 2

I think we might of lost him.

TELEPHONE VOICE 1

Larry? You still there?

Larry scrambles to get his bearings. We see a glimpse of his notes which contain crude drawings of “Anthony Weiner-face” in the margins.

LARRY

Uh, yes. Yes, sir. Still here guys.

Unfortunately for him.