Smartphone Eulogy

Nothing can truly convey the pain that I felt the day I lost my smartphone but I’ve prepared a few words that will hopefully illustrate why I loved him so much. My smartphone’s legal name was model 1289000-00-01-6568 but not too many people knew him by that. Most people instead just knew him by his many nicknames, my iPhone, 4169671111, and my personal favourite ‘don’t you dare try to mooch off this hotspot’. The two of us spent pretty much every waking hour together over the past few years and at times it felt almost as if he knew me better than myself. For example, one time he noticed I was feeling a bit sheepish about my internet search history so he recommend an article about how foot fetishes are actually quite common. Did you know that 11% of people are into feet? My smartphone did. I’m not sure whether it was all innate or whether it was due to his early years spent in the rigorous Chinese education system but he certainly was the smartest phone I’ve ever had the pleasure of interacting with.

Of course, there were hard times in our relationship too. For instance, there was one month where he had a cracked screen and I strongly considered moving on to an android but even during those strained periods of our relationship he would often help me out with fake phone calls and text messages.That’s really just the type of phone he was – a people pleaser who was always happy to put the needs of his family over his own. I think I’ll miss him most during the quiet moments of the day, such as when I’m standing in line at the grocery store or waiting for a friend who’s running late. Those would often be the times he would tell me funny jokes or ‘interesting facts’. I’m sure you’ll all miss him too. He’s probably in a better place now though. At least I hope so. Please let me know if you find him.