You Have Writer

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE EXAM ROOM – DAY

A nervous young woman sits on the examination table. She eyes the posters and pamphlets within the pristine room – each one more intimidating than the last. The door opens just as she is about to begin scrolling through her phone.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Hi Michelle! How are you this fine morning?

MICHELLE

I guess it really depends on the test results right? I’ve been doing a little self diagnosing recently and according to WebMD I might have brain cancer?

Doctor Harris laughs a little too loudly and sits down across from her. He’s middle aged and British which gives everything he says an air of authority.

DOCTOR HARRIS

You probably have nothing to worry about but it never hurts to be cautious. Let’s take a look.

Doctor Harris opens up a manila folder and begins reading Michelle’s test results. Michelle simultaneously attempts to read the doctor’s facial expressions.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Hmmm..

Michelle’s face drops. Doctor Harris flips the page and his brows immediately furrow.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well that’s not great.

Michelle’s eyes widen. Doctor Harris flips the page once again and looks even more concerned.

DOCTOR HARRIS

(to himself)

Never would have guessed it.

MICHELLE

Is everything alright? You’re kinda scaring me doc.

Doctor Harris looks confused – almost as if he forgot Michelle was right there. He then immediately snaps back into “super professional” mode.

DOCTOR HARRIS

According to the test results, you have writer.

MICHELLE

I’m sorry did you say writer?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Yes, are you familiar with the condition?

MICHELLE

No. What is it?

DOCTOR HARRIS

It’s a neurological disorder that results in unusual psychotic tendencies.

MICHELLE

Like what?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well it’s technically quite complex and like most neurological disorders it’s really ultimately caused by a slight chemical imbalance but let me see if I can explain it simply.

Doctor Harris thinks for a moment.

DOCTOR HARRIS

You know those weird thoughts that everyone has? Like, if a turtle were to lose its shell would it be naked or would it be homeless? Or where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? Or why is abbreviated such a long word? Well normal people have those thoughts and then think that’s a weird thought I probably shouldn’t think of that and keep living their lives. People with writer don’t do that. People with writer obsess about those thoughts and keep thinking about them for way too long. It’s like..unhealthy dysfunctional daydreaming.

MICHELLE

Sounds serious. How worried should I be?

DOCTOR HARRIS

It can get pretty bad so I won’t sugarcoat it but some have been able to live relatively normal and successful lives despite it. Mild cases are a lot more common than you might think.

MICHELLE

How bad do I have it?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well according to your test results you have a rather severe case. But I’ll have to ask you some questions to really verify the diagnosis. I do have to warn you though. Some of these questions may be a bit...personal.

MICHELLE

Not a problem. Go ahead.

Doctor Harris flips to another sheet in his folder and pulls out a pen. After each question and answer he takes notes.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Did you read a lot as a child?

MICHELLE

Yes.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Do you often spend time endlessly re-wording text messages and emails until they sound just right?

MICHELLE

Yes.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Have you ever thought less of someone due to their poor spelling?

MICHELLE

(Hesitant)

Yes.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Would you consider yourself popular in highschool?

MICHELLE

Yes. Wait....No.

DOCTOR HARRIS

I’ll let you in on a little secret. That last one is a trick question. People with writer are almost never popular in highschool.

MICHELLE

So do I officially have it?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Yes, one of the worst cases I’ve probably seen. It’s a shame really. Any decent doctor should have caught this by now.

MICHELLE

But you’ve been my doctor since forever.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Really? Have you still been coming in for your annual checkups?

MICHELLE

Every year! You always do that thing where you joke about how I’m now officially too tall for a lollipop but you still end up giving me one anyway...You don’t remember?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well that’s embarrassing.

MICHELLE

Is writer curable?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Unfortunately not.

There is an awkward silence as they both stew on this.

MICHELLE

So what am I supposed to do?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Sorry, I probably should have lead with that.

Doctor Harris hands Michelle several pamphlets. One of the them is for a medication with a ridiculously long and graphically detailed list of side effects.

DOCTOR HARRIS

These will tell you everything you need to know about writer as well as your current treatment options. I’m also going to refer you to a specialist who can get you started with therapy and begin prescribing medication. Do you have any other specific questions?

MICHELLE

I don’t think so. This is just a lot to take in.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well you can always meet with me or the specialist if you think of any. I highly recommend some of those online support groups listed. Some of my patients really swear by one. I think it’s called Medium.com? I’ll go get the specialists information for you.

Doctor Harris begins to head towards the door.

MICHELLE

Hey Doc? This might be a stupid question--

DOCTOR HARRIS

There’s no such thing as a stupid question Michelle.

MICHELLE

This writer thing. It’s not in anyway related to writing is it?

Once again Doctor Harris laughs a little too loudly. It’s demeaning.

DOCTOR HARRIS

As in the physical act of putting thoughts into words on a page?

MICHELLE

Yeah.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Nope. Completely unrelated.