If Arguing Was a Sport

If arguing was a sport, we would still need separate leagues for men and women but it would be because women would destroy men. The men’s league would be way less impressive and less entertaining. It would be like the opposite of the NBA/WNBA. As someone that grew up with two sisters, I can say without hesitation that this is not a sexist generalization. It’s a fact.

If arguing was a sport, ESPN would be really, really weird to watch. For example, First Take would essentially be a show where two people pretend to argue about real arguments and the Sportscenter Highlight of the Night could potentially be someone yelling out “Yeah, that’s what I thought you bitch-ass motherfucker” to emphatically finish off their point.

If arguing was a sport, it would be more brutal than all other sports. There would be no breaks or timeouts ever and unlike the UFC where you can win by decision, arguments can only end in submission or knockout.

Phrases indicating submission:

– Do we really need to continue to argue about this?

– Let’s not fight like this. This is stupid.

– You know it really doesn’t even matter who is right.

Phrases indicating knockout:

– Not necessary. Like a physical knockout, you’ll recognize one when you see it.

If arguing was a sport, Rasheed Wallace would definitely make at least one hall of fame and Kevin Garnett would probably be a two sport star. Also, instead of the terrible Michael Jordan baseball experiment we would have the less terrible Michael Jordan arguing experiment.

If arguing was a sport, rather than testing for testosterone enhancing steroids, officials would test for menstrual enhancing steroids. This one definitely is an inappropriate sexist generalization but there’s also something kind of funny about an athlete being stripped of a medal due to testing positive for enhanced menses.

If arguing was a sport, amateur youth arguing would begin to overtake amateur youth football in popularity across America. Children would no longer be at risk of irreversible brain trauma, only irreversible emotional trauma, which feels like a step in the right direction?