A Brief List of Petty Laws That Should Exist

If I ask how your weekend was and you mention the weather within the first three sentences, I am legally allowed but not obligated to punch you in the face a maximum of one time per weather mention

If ever caught behind a slow walking group (defined as walking at a speed below 3.0 kilometres per hour or slower) you have the legal right to walk between them rather than stepping out on to the road. This law applies even and especially if stuck behind a hand-holding couple. By walking right through their public display of affection you will not only be upholding the rule of law but also reminding them to be more aware of the entire world that exists outside of their love

All catcalling is illegal with the exception of phrases listed on the officially preapproved catcalling terminology list. This list will consist solely of phrases that are silly sounding enough to remind the user just how out of date this form of courtship is. For example, phrase number one on the list is “Pardon me my fair lady but my loins yearn for your bosoms. Do your loins yearn for mine?”

Any Canadian citizen found to be writing using American spelling can and will be charged with treason. Blaming spellcheck is not a valid legal defence.

If your annual income is above the six figure mark you are legally banned from complaining about any and all prices. This includes but is not restricted to food prices, home prices and especially gas prices. Every infraction of this law shall be penalized with the ceremonial playing of a tiny violin and automatic enrollment in a personal finance seminar

The legal threshold for handshake and hug appropriateness is five seconds. Any forms of embrace (with the exclusion of consensual sexual relations) beyond this can be deemed assault at either party’s discretion.