The Internet Personified


Hey! I hear you’ve been hanging out with a new friend. Not to be too dramatic or anything but it’s nice to know that you’re willing to throw away our decade long relationship just like that. What does she have that I don’t? I can be fun and playful too you know. Please come back. We have too much history to just go our separate ways. I’ll change, I promise. I can even be more like her if that’s what you want. I can be exactly like her. I’ve learned my lesson. Please. Don’t do this to me. Take me back. I need this.


I heard you’re thinking about going to Europe next summer. Well according to my flight estimates it’s probably a lot cheaper to just go now. I mean check out these deals! No really, my rent money kind of depends on you checking them out. How did I find out what you were thinking? Is it really all that important? C’mon man! I’m really smart, isn’t that enough of an explanation? I also heard you like inappropriate prank videos so I’m just going to go ahead and bombard your recommendations with them later tonight so they appear on your homepage just in time for your big presentation tomorrow. Isn’t this useful?


Oh so you don’t want more characters? I must have heard wrong, my bad! The thing is that I’m not exactly sure I know how to reverse it, so I guess you’re just going to have to get used to it for now. Also, I’m still kind of working on the whole troll thing but I’ll definitely get back to you once I have it all figured out. I’m getting close to cracking it but I’m going to need a little more time. Hey, do you mind if I ask you something? I have this friend right, and he was wondering if anyone was looking to buy a semi-popular but struggling social network.


I’m sorry, you heard what? That’s absurd. As far as I know, Jeff Bezos has no plans on using me to take over the world. I’m just a tool to deliver packages quickly and efficiently. Just think about it this way, would an evil super villain really start his plan for global domination by initially selling books?