INT. VARIOUS BEDROOM OFFICES – DAY – MONTAGE
Sappy Sarah McLachlan music plays as we see a series of young nerdy looking writers neglecting their pets. We know they’re writers because they all wear glasses and we know this montage is important because it’s in slow motion.
-One writer plays a half assed game of fetch with her dog as she sits and stares at her computer
-Another writer lays on a couch with his laptop on his chest. He gets annoyed when his dog comes and sits on him
-A third writer is so enthralled as they type away that they barely notice their dog as it brings over its leash
-Finally, each of the writers from above takes off their glasses in frustration. They each carry their dog out of the room and close the door. The dogs look heartbroken.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Another sad looking dog lays on a couch. We close in on him when suddenly HE BEGINS TO TALK!
Hey there, my name’s Duke. Did you know that every year thousands of writers neglect their dogs to write terrible think pieces? The first time it happened to me was when my owner suddenly thought that the world needed a 9,000 word exploration of the anti-capitalist undertones in SpongeBob SquarePants.
INT. BEDROOM OFFICE – DAY [FLASHBACK]
Duke’s owner finishes typing at his desk. He is clearly satisfied with whatever he has written and walks away. As soon as he does Duke jumps into the empty office chair and begins to read.
Now I may not be the most sophisticated reader but even I can recognize when a writer is clearly reaching just to be controversial. This truly is the clickbait generation.
EXT. DOG PARK – DAY [FLASHBACK]
Duke’s owner stares off into space, clearly thinking up another terrible piece of writing. Duke is busy sniffing various dog butts.
After speaking to some of my friends I realized the problem was much more widespread than I initially thought. I even heard something from my buddy, Buddy, that was truly spine-chilling – some people are now writing terrible think pieces in response to other terrible think pieces!
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Duke now sits up on the couch.
It’s time to finally take a stand against terrible think pieces. So please do us all a favour and join our official pledge to stop reading them. Better yet, the next time you see a terrible think piece from someone that you know, call them up and tell them to stop. With your support, we can end this.