Most unexpected premature balding: That one guy that used to kind of look like Kurt Cobain

Most humblebrags per minute of conversation: Your co-worker who just got into crossfit

Most annoying Facebook friend: Your ex

Most gullible: The girl that keeps reposting really dumb conspiracy theories

Most surprising bigot: The guy you used to buy weed from

Most unsurprising coming out announcement: Spenser from glee club

Most captivating glow up: That girl you were once kind of friends with

Most likely to be a serial killer: Your landlord

Most successful: Definitely not you

– Happy New Year! Here are some tips to help delay the eventual screwing up of your New Year’s resolution.

– Someone in Florida did something stupid again.

– Republican presidential candidate says something racist. While attempting to defuse the situation, he accidentally says something even more racist.

– You’ve already broken your new year’s eve resolution? Here’s where you fucked up.

– Angry mob of social network users threaten to jump ship after new feature is added. After spending a few minutes back in real life most decide to reconsider.

– Olympians overjoyed that we are all at least pretending to care about their sport again.

– Self deprecating celebrity reminds the world that they’re just like the rest of us

– Black teens turn unsuspecting white male into meme.

– Apple admits their last product was trash. But today they’re revealing something truly revolutionary -and it only costs twice as much as last time!

– Playing golf all year round is cool and all but this climate change stuff is actually kind of serious guys.

– It’s Columbus Day! Time to remind you just how bullshit this holiday really is.

– D list celebrity wears extremely offensive costume. Claims they had no idea it was offensive.

– Nerds still seem to think this bitcoin thing is pretty important. Let’s try to find out why.

– Remember that meme that was funny earlier this year? You can now give it to someone for Christmas!

 

At some point in school you probably learned about the double negative rule in mathematics. For those of you who either don’t remember or who have consciously chosen to block all math from your life due to childhood trauma, the rule essentially states that subtracting a negative number is equivalent to adding that number. Simply put, two negatives make a positive. Unfortunately, many schools fail to teach the lesser known double positive rule which states that in some rare instances two positives can make a negative. Below are a few examples of the double positive rule in action:

Fruit + cake = fruitcake

Rap freestyles + social justice advocacy = spoken word

Cooking fried food + being naked = awkward emergency room visit

Water + electricity = death

Chocolate + cute puppy = heartbreaking death

Clubbing + baby seals = literally many heartbreaking deaths

Red + blue = purple

Sex + family = traumatic orgy

Toothpaste + orange juice = traumatic mouth orgy

Pizza + pineapples = crime against humanity

your gossipy friend:
rose divorced fred, violet’s her new boo
sam’s still never wed – hey how are you?

your alcoholic friend:
roses are nice, violets are fine
but better than both is a bottle of wine

your facebook friend who is suddenly into multi-level marketing:
roses are red, violets are royal sky blue
sold by only paintco, but now you can too

your friend that loves pointing out plot holes:
rose could have said, “hey jack you look blue”
climb up on this door, cause there’s space for you too

your extremely argumentative and pedantic friend:
roses are red, violets are blue – no wait they’re violet…they are literally named violets
how dare you try to gaslight me into interpreting colors differently than they actually appear

Nicki Minaj
Bitch I’m the one surrounded by some zeroes too
Just came back from London had to see 02
Rapper, popstar now ceo too
Making the world hot like CO2

Eminem
They like “Marshall, how you feel about global warming?”
It’s pretty straightforward man I’m all for it
Fuck the arctic and fuck the forests
I’m from Detroit where it could be warmer

J. Cole
Still remember that summer it was a thousand degrees
Fayetteville prom June 2003
I was on a quest to lose my virginity
On my Lauryn Hill tryna get me that thing
And when it finally happened you know I felt it dude
Finished real quick, my ice cap melted dude

Wiz Khalifa
Catch me in Calabasas smoking greenhouse gases
While a sexy socialite shows me her assets
And yeah my car’s not the fastest
But it runs on grass bitch (like me!) and that’s fantastic

Andre 3000
You wanna know what bothers me?
Honestly it’s gotta be human psychology
Like instead of constantly just chasing broccoli
Can’t we live modestly, in harmony with ecology

Wikipedia filed for bankruptcy early this morning, bringing the free online encyclopedia offline after a failed last-ditch fundraising effort. “We thought people would realize how badly we needed the money once we increased our fundraising ads to 90% of the total page but it turns out we severely underestimated just how much people really hate paying for content on the internet,” said CEO Jimmy Wales, adding that with no money left over to support hosting costs the encyclopedia is now spread out over various laptop hard drives. “I recently just tried pulling up the page about depression before quickly remembering that it was on Erin’s computer.”

Industry experts predict this bankruptcy will spur the largest drop in global productivity since the election of Donald Trump in late 2016. “I’m not even sure I’m able to do my job without Wikipedia” said one frustrated researcher and grad student. Another student we spoke with said “I’m definitely going to be speaking with my local politician to see if we can fix this. It’s just taking me a bit longer than expected to figure out who my local politician is without the use of Wikipedia.” It’s not all doom and gloom however, as industry experts also predict a steep drop in fights between friends who will now just have to agree to disagree rather than fight over obscure trivia facts.

Not many people are aware that that the popular show “Black Mirror” is actually spin off of a short-lived television series from the ‘80s called “Crack Mirror”. While the more modern Netflix series has certainly proven more popular, with its often bleak take on the dangers of technology, the original series was just as pessimistic about a different topic — drugs. Although only seven episodes of the show were aired before being cancelled by PBS, a full season of 12 episodes was scheduled to be produced by Ronald Reagan’s television production company ReaganCo. After several weeks of sleuthing, our team has been able to uncover the scripts of the unreleased five episodes.

Gateway:
A straight-laced college freshman is pressured into trying marijuana at party. Upon discovering that he enjoys both marijuana and the metaphorical high that comes along with breaking the law, he loses respect for all forms of authority, drops out of college and chooses to become a psychotic axe murderer.

San Junipero:
A small town nurse discovers an outbreak of lesbianism being caused by a new designer drug.

The National Anthem:
A drug addicted, high ranking US diplomat accidentally loses his stash on a foreign trade trip in Saudi Arabia. The fiending diplomat strikes a deal to buy drugs from a local anarchist group who humiliate him by forcing him to have intercourse with a pig to prove he is not an undercover cop.

Nosedive:
In a utopian world where technology has essentially taken care of all of our needs, a small group of outsiders begins creating artisanal psychedelic drugs to deal with the mind-numbing boredom of everyday life.

Crack Museum:
After a drug fuelled nuclear war wipes the earth of nearly all of its inhabitants, one survivor sets out to build a museum to document how drugs lead to the collapse of society.The first artifact he puts on display is Rick James’ crack pipe.

0 – 1: Not applicable for obvious and sad reasons.
1 – 9: Unintelligible crying that was instinctively tuned out by all parties within earshot.
9 – 26: Hey guys, check this out!
27: At least I’m in that cool club I guess.
28 – 50: I mean I’m pretty sure I remember signing up for the extra life insurance coverage.
50+: Jesus, finally.

Dear “Friends”,

As I’m sure many of you have no doubt already heard, Alyson and I have been living apart for the past few weeks now and are in the midst of filing for divorce. Rather than continuing to allow inaccurate rumours to fester, I would like to take a moment to publicly straighten out what exactly happened. On February 17th, I walked in on Alyson thoroughly enjoying an episode of “The Big Bang Theory” in our marital bedroom. As you can imagine, this came as quite the shock and I was (and still am) horrified and disgusted. After several weeks of couples therapy, Aly and I have determined that our relationship simply cannot be mended after such a gross violation of both my trust and comedic decency. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

Regards,
Mo Osman

You are cordially invited to the special place in hell. The truth is you don’t really have much of a choice but we enjoy sending out these invitations to ensure that you feel the sense of dread that comes along with RSVPing for an event that you are sure to hate attending. Special place invitations are reserved for the truly despicable which means it’s actually quite the honor to be selected to participate.

EVENT PROCEEDINGS
3pm: Reception and networking
4pm: Keynote speech (Donald Trump on humility)
5pm: Intermission concert (Taylor swift & Pitbull)
6pm: Dinner
7pm: Networking
8pm: Lifetime achievement award presentation (Adolf Hitler)
9pm: More networking

Note: You will be seated at a table 24 with your slow walking neighbour and all of the weird people who clap at the end of movies.