Adult Yearbook Superlatives

Most unexpected premature balding: That one guy that used to kind of look like Kurt Cobain

Most humblebrags per minute of conversation: Your co-worker who just got into crossfit

Most annoying Facebook friend: Your ex

Most gullible: The girl that keeps reposting really dumb conspiracy theories

Most surprising bigot: The guy you used to buy weed from

Most unsurprising coming out announcement: Spenser from glee club

Most captivating glow up: That girl you were once kind of friends with

Most likely to be a serial killer: Your landlord

Most successful: Definitely not you

The Rap Guide to Shelf Help

It’s not at all an exaggeration to say that there was a period of time in my adolescence where rappers had a bigger influence on my life than my own parents. It sounds crazy to me looking back at it now but there’s no doubt that for a three to four year stretch this was certainly the case. In fact, if I had to list my biggest influences from the age of 12-15 the list would probably look something like this:

  1. Kobe Bryant 1
  2. 50 Cent
  3. Young Jeezy
  4. Nelly
  5. Jay Z 2
  6. Any Film with potential Jessica Alba nudity
  7. My Parents

Like many people my age, I grew up on hip hop. Not listening to hip hop, but on hip hop. I like to think of rap music as the drug I was on that made all of my decisions as a middle school child in the mid 2000’s make sense. Like the time I decided to take dating advice from a man who once dropped the legendary line “I love you like a fat kid loves cake.” Or how for several years, I sincerely believed that I was a size XXL – even though I barely weighed 110 pounds. Thankfully for me, my mother drew the line at unnecessarily wearing a band-aid on my face.

Hip hop was more than just music to me at that age. It was a guide to life. And while in retrospect most of the decisions I made during this “heavily rap influenced” era of my life were as poor as my fashion choices, there were some positive life lessons that I ended up taking away from this period. Here’s what it would look like if some of my favourite rappers wrote self help books:

Kanye West – The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self-Confidence

If this whole etymology thing works the way it’s supposed to, 200 years from now the word confident will have morphed into the word Kanye-fident and rightfully so. No one in the history of the world has believed in anything the way Kanye West believes in himself. There’s a thin line between confidence and arrogance, and while Kanye has definitely veered into arrogant territory at times, there is something endearing about someone who isn’t afraid to say what they truly feel all the time.

Unauthorized Excerpt:

One thing that I’ve found that works for Kanye is saying things out loud. That’s why every morning I look in the bathroom mirror and I say my mantra:

“I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things. I’m a creative genius and there’s no other way to word it. For me to say I wasn’t a genius, I would just be lying to you and to myself. When I think of competition, it’s like I try to create against the past. I think about Michelangelo and Picasso. You know, the pyramids. Because you can’t look at a glass half-full or empty if it’s overflowing.” 3

And then I brush my teeth and get dressed. Now will most of you reading be able to afford the dope ass outfit I put on? Probably not. But it really doesn’t matter because the dopest thing I’m always going to be wearing is confidence.

50 Cent – The Art of War

50 Cent is without a doubt hip hop’s most likeable bully. Over the past decade, he has had beef with nearly everyone in hip hop and has sometimes even expanded his scope to include non rappers. Remember that one time he named his dog Oprah? Or that other time he taught the world Floyd Mayweather couldn’t really read?4 In fact, rap beef has been such an integral part of 50 Cent’s career that it even has a dedicated section on his wikipedia page. And while a case can be made that his various feuds are the only thing keeping him relevant right now, it’s not as if he acted any differently during the prime of his career. As Ja Rule, Fat Joe and pretty much every other New York rapper from the early 2000’s can attest – 50 Cent was a pretty big bully back then too. As one of the first rap superstars of the internet era, 50 set the blueprint for how to use web trolling to remain relevant and personable in the public eye. So sure, he might not know what a grapefruit is, but when it comes to beef 50 cent is a god damn connoisseur.

Unauthorized Excerpt:

“Where is Ja?” It’s a question that I ask myself all too often – particularly on nights that I can’t sleep. My homies say I’m paranoid but is it really that crazy to think that he could be out there right now plotting his way to finally get his revenge against me? Shit, he could be here in this house and I wouldn’t even know it. It’s one of the downsides of living in this 23 bedroom mansion. Consider this lesson one in the art of war; war never stops even when it appears one side has won. Always be prepared.

Now excuse me, I have to go write another diss record just in case.

Snoop Dogg – The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People:

When most people get high their productivity drops. Once that THC kicks in, it’s like all of those chores suddenly don’t seem so important anymore and it really does seem like more of a television and cereal-for-dinner type of night anyway. When Snoop is high, he sells millions of albums, while starring in multiple film and television roles and amassing a net worth of over $100 million. Uncle Snoop clearly knows some things that the rest of the world doesn’t.

Unauthorized Excerpt:

So check it out nephew, this publisher gave me quite a nice check to give you fools some advice on how to better your lives. Now I have to be honest, some of y’all are lost causes. But I’m not one to focus on the player haters and perpetrators so let’s get to it. The first thing S-N-O-O-P-D-O-G-G would advise is that all of you ladies and gentlemen start worrying about your health. Now, personally, I am a fan of the seaweed diet. I call it that because the only rule to the diet is that once you see weed you have to smoke it. Some people are going to say this is unhealthy, don’t listen to them. I’ve lived by this diet for over 30 years and haven’t gotten sick once. And if weed really affects your short-term memory, then how come I always remember to smoke weed? Another important part of being healthy is exercise. People always ask me how I manage to stay so slim at my age. It’s actually really simple. Two words – crip walking.

Diddy – Think & Grow Rich

Of all the people on this list, Diddy is the closest to an actual real life self help guru. And unlike most self help gurus, Diddy’s advice actually comes with no strings attached. You don’t need to buy a book or go to an expensive seminar to get it, all you need to do is follow him on social media and watch as those life changing motivational messages slowly trickle in. Unfortunately, just like most self help gurus, the advice itself isn’t all that practical. It’s all sizzle and no steak. But Diddy is a master at selling the sizzle. There are few things as motivational as watching Diddy talk that talk. I mean just listen to this, or this, or this or any of these. It’s gotten to the point where I really don’t even expect rapping anymore when I see “featuring Diddy” on a track. I just expect another motivational speech that will make me feel like I’m just a couple steps away from becoming a billionaire. How exactly am I going to make the billion? I’m not sure, I’m still working on that part. But I’m motivated and that’s half the battle right?

Unauthorized Excerpt:

The best way to get something done is to begin. Success doesn’t make champions, challenges do… So if you want to fly, you have to give up the things that weigh you down. A real person is not perfect, and a perfect person is not real.Your mistakes should be your motivation, not your excuses. Have you been on your grind today? Or have you let the negativity consume you! Focus people! God 1st! Get money! Never stop! Let’s go!!! 5

Birdman – How to Win Friends and Influence People

Birdman is an awful rapper. He’s also happens to the fifth richest one in the world. He’s the owner of the label Cash Money Records – the home of a couple of rappers that happen to be pretty damn good. How did this come to be? Does he have super human networking skills? Was he just in the right place at the right time? Does he tell really good jokes? The world deserves to know Mr. Birdman, tell us the secret.

Unauthorized Excerpt:

 

  1. Nothing tops yelling out “KOBE!” and hitting a game winner in middle school. I’m pretty confident my life peaked right at that moment.
  2.  Yes I had Nelly over Jay at one point in my life. I have no explanation for it other than I was 12.
  3. These are all real things Kanye has said at one point or another.
  4.  Ironically, just like Floyd, 50 has a pretty spotless record of his own. I mean 50 Cent pretty much is the Floyd Mayweather of rap beef. Also, did 50 give Floyd the only L of his career?
  5.  Once again, real Diddy tweets.

As a Black Person

People can get so uncomfortable when you talk about race and as a black person I have to admit sometimes it’s hilarious. I take a lot of pleasure in watching people squirm to avoid talking about it. For example, one of my favorite hobbies as a black person, is seeing how many times I can use the phrase “as a black person” before it gets noticeably weird. So far my high score is 9. It was on a first date and the one where she finally called me out on it was when she asked if we should get dessert and I said “as a black person I just can’t do that”. 1

The beauty of the phrase “as a black person” is in just how passive aggressive it is, because unless the person you’re talking to is blind they already know you’re black but you’re just casually reminding them anyway. If you’re ever in a boring conversation I highly recommend you try it out. You don’t even have to be black. 2

Sometimes all it takes is one “as a black person” to make my day. If it’s well placed and in a conversation that’s just random enough. My favorite one ever was on this poor fellow who happened to ask me for directions to a restaurant.3 I gave them to him, he thanked me and then I decided to have a little fun.

“Not a problem, as a black person I wouldn’t recommend going there but it’s not a problem at all,” I responded.

The look on his face as he tried to comprehend what that meant was amazing. He didn’t even dare to ask why! What he did do though was walk off and then immediately ask someone else for directions. And I have to say, as a black person I was a little offended.

 

  1. I snuck off a few in that paragraph and most of you guys didn’t even notice. As a black person I’m impressed.
  2. It’s probably funnier when you’re not. Just remember to the change the word black to whatever you are, or else it won’t really work.
  3. It was a Mcdonald’s. I don’t know why I chose to write restaurant, clearly not the right word there. I also could’ve just wrote Mcdonald’s I’m pretty sure most of you have heard of it.

Your Slogan Is a Lie, Let’s Fix That

Like most things in corporate America, slogans are bullshit. The idea that you as a business are going to try to tell me how I should perceive your company is ridiculous and antiquated. I mean does anybody actually still fall for this? I need to meet some of these people that are walking around thinking “Yeah I did just spent 40 minutes on hold, but their slogan says they put customers first….It must have just been a busy day or something.” Here’s what it would look like if some well-known business slogans were a little more accurate.

State Farm: Like a good neighbor, State Farm minds its own business.
Unlike a certain DJ would lead you to believe, there is only one key to successfully being a good neighbor – mind your own fucking business. Nosy neighbors are the worst and today’s companies just don’t seem to understand this. Since when did it become acceptable to ask for my phone number, email, address and social security number at the cash register? Earlier this year I got a letter from my car insurance provider asking if I would like to install a tracking device on my car in order to pay lower premiums. Uhhhh no? I’d rather pay the extra cash just to keep you in the dark about my occasional 3 am visits to the local 7-11.

McDonald’s: I’m loving it – for now.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there are really only two true coming of age moments in life. The first occurs when you realize Santa Claus isn’t a real person and the second is the day you realize McDonald’s isn’t real food. It turns out there is a finite amount of Big Macs your body can take before it stops trying to keep up the facade and just stops processing “McFood” completely. If you are young and lucky enough to still be living in this honeymoon period – congratulations, enjoy it while it lasts. On the other hand, if you have already had this literally gut-wrenching realization, well, enough said.

Energizer: Keeps going and going and going until you actually really need it.
We’ve all done it. Opened up our calculator to see that it has less than 10% of its battery life left. You should change those batteries you think to yourself, except you get used to that 10% warning message and eventually just kind of forget about it. A few weeks later you’re sitting in your college classroom getting ready for your final exam, when something seems off about your calculator. The warning sign now says 5%. Being the intelligent student that you are, you do the math and come to the conclusion that if you lasted few weeks on just 5% of the battery life you should be alright to finish up this exam. EXCEPT IT PROMPTLY DIES ON YOU LIKE 10 MINUTES LATER. Oh, what’s that? It’s just me that’s this irresponsible? Cool.

Nike: Just do it..or not. You’re pretty tired & you have a big day tomorrow.
I watch a lot of sports, which honestly means I watch a lot of sports ads with a little live sports peppered in between. I don’t get sports ads. I guess they are supposed to make us believe that if we purchase the gear we might just be able to play like pros? When I watch sports ads my thought process is typically more along the lines of “Wow. Look at Dwyane Wade’s calves. My calves are never going to be that big”. Clearly they are working though, because we all know the one guy that wears the entire latest Jordan brand collection out on the court at once but is somehow still the worst player there. Spike Lee lied to you bro, it turns out it’s not the shoes.

UPS: What can Brown mess up for you?
So you buy this gift right? It’s the perfect gift, super thoughtful yet super practical and somehow still within your budget. But then you see the expected delivery date – 4 to 7 business days. Once again, you do the math and as long as this gift is here within 6 business days you’ll be fine. The gift arrives on the 7th day. Yes I’m painfully aware that this is once again 100% my fault. I’m petty, deal with it.

Las Vegas: What happens in Vegas leads to a really awkward conversation several weeks later.
I was hesitant about even touching this one since it is part of what could arguably be the greatest marketing campaign of all time. People really do think that they can get away with things that would never be socially acceptable elsewhere just because they’re in Vegas. What this slogan conveniently fails to mention is that we now live in the smartphone era, which means nothing “stays” anywhere.

Subway: Eat “fresh”
Listen Subway, I don’t know who you think you’re fooling with this stuff but please stop it. There is nothing fresh about fake meat that has been sitting in it’s own fake meat juices for hours on end. It’s not that I’m against what you’re trying to do, I practically lived on Subway during my college years, but even then I pretty much knew that the entire Subway customer base consists of people who are too cheap to buy real food but also too self conscious to get another burger. It may be subtle, but it’s about time that your slogan reflected this.

The Year Ahead in Headlines

– Happy New Year! Here are some tips to help delay the eventual screwing up of your New Year’s resolution.

– Someone in Florida did something stupid again.

– Republican presidential candidate says something racist. While attempting to defuse the situation, he accidentally says something even more racist.

– You’ve already broken your new year’s eve resolution? Here’s where you fucked up.

– Angry mob of social network users threaten to jump ship after new feature is added. After spending a few minutes back in real life most decide to reconsider.

– Olympians overjoyed that we are all at least pretending to care about their sport again.

– Self deprecating celebrity reminds the world that they’re just like the rest of us

– Black teens turn unsuspecting white male into meme.

– Apple admits their last product was trash. But today they’re revealing something truly revolutionary -and it only costs twice as much as last time!

– Playing golf all year round is cool and all but this climate change stuff is actually kind of serious guys.

– It’s Columbus Day! Time to remind you just how bullshit this holiday really is.

– D list celebrity wears extremely offensive costume. Claims they had no idea it was offensive.

– Nerds still seem to think this bitcoin thing is pretty important. Let’s try to find out why.

– Remember that meme that was funny earlier this year? You can now give it to someone for Christmas!

 

Double Positives

At some point in school you probably learned about the double negative rule in mathematics. For those of you who either don’t remember or who have consciously chosen to block all math from your life due to childhood trauma, the rule essentially states that subtracting a negative number is equivalent to adding that number. Simply put, two negatives make a positive. Unfortunately, many schools fail to teach the lesser known double positive rule which states that in some rare instances two positives can make a negative. Below are a few examples of the double positive rule in action:

Fruit + cake = fruitcake

Rap freestyles + social justice advocacy = spoken word

Cooking fried food + being naked = awkward emergency room visit

Water + electricity = death

Chocolate + cute puppy = heartbreaking death

Clubbing + baby seals = literally many heartbreaking deaths

Red + blue = purple

Sex + family = traumatic orgy

Toothpaste + orange juice = traumatic mouth orgy

Pizza + pineapples = crime against humanity

Poems From All Of Your Friends

your gossipy friend:
rose divorced fred, violet’s her new boo
sam’s still never wed – hey how are you?

your alcoholic friend:
roses are nice, violets are fine
but better than both is a bottle of wine

your facebook friend who is suddenly into multi-level marketing:
roses are red, violets are royal sky blue
sold by only paintco, but now you can too

your friend that loves pointing out plot holes:
rose could have said, “hey jack you look blue”
climb up on this door, cause there’s space for you too

your extremely argumentative and pedantic friend:
roses are red, violets are blue – no wait they’re violet…they are literally named violets
how dare you try to gaslight me into interpreting colors differently than they actually appear

Global Warming Bars

Nicki Minaj
Bitch I’m the one surrounded by some zeroes too
Just came back from London had to see 02
Rapper, popstar now ceo too
Making the world hot like CO2

Eminem
They like “Marshall, how you feel about global warming?”
It’s pretty straightforward man I’m all for it
Fuck the arctic and fuck the forests
I’m from Detroit where it could be warmer

J. Cole
Still remember that summer it was a thousand degrees
Fayetteville prom June 2003
I was on a quest to lose my virginity
On my Lauryn Hill tryna get me that thing
And when it finally happened you know I felt it dude
Finished real quick, my ice cap melted dude

Wiz Khalifa
Catch me in Calabasas smoking greenhouse gases
While a sexy socialite shows me her assets
And yeah my car’s not the fastest
But it runs on grass bitch (like me!) and that’s fantastic

Andre 3000
You wanna know what bothers me?
Honestly it’s gotta be human psychology
Like instead of constantly just chasing broccoli
Can’t we live modestly, in harmony with ecology

World Panics After Wikipedia Finally Runs Out Of Money

Wikipedia filed for bankruptcy early this morning, bringing the free online encyclopedia offline after a failed last-ditch fundraising effort. “We thought people would realize how badly we needed the money once we increased our fundraising ads to 90% of the total page but it turns out we severely underestimated just how much people really hate paying for content on the internet,” said CEO Jimmy Wales, adding that with no money left over to support hosting costs the encyclopedia is now spread out over various laptop hard drives. “I recently just tried pulling up the page about depression before quickly remembering that it was on Erin’s computer.”

Industry experts predict this bankruptcy will spur the largest drop in global productivity since the election of Donald Trump in late 2016. “I’m not even sure I’m able to do my job without Wikipedia” said one frustrated researcher and grad student. Another student we spoke with said “I’m definitely going to be speaking with my local politician to see if we can fix this. It’s just taking me a bit longer than expected to figure out who my local politician is without the use of Wikipedia.” It’s not all doom and gloom however, as industry experts also predict a steep drop in fights between friends who will now just have to agree to disagree rather than fight over obscure trivia facts.

Crack Mirror

Not many people are aware that that the popular show “Black Mirror” is actually spin off of a short-lived television series from the ‘80s called “Crack Mirror”. While the more modern Netflix series has certainly proven more popular, with its often bleak take on the dangers of technology, the original series was just as pessimistic about a different topic — drugs. Although only seven episodes of the show were aired before being cancelled by PBS, a full season of 12 episodes was scheduled to be produced by Ronald Reagan’s television production company ReaganCo. After several weeks of sleuthing, our team has been able to uncover the scripts of the unreleased five episodes.

Gateway:
A straight-laced college freshman is pressured into trying marijuana at party. Upon discovering that he enjoys both marijuana and the metaphorical high that comes along with breaking the law, he loses respect for all forms of authority, drops out of college and chooses to become a psychotic axe murderer.

San Junipero:
A small town nurse discovers an outbreak of lesbianism being caused by a new designer drug.

The National Anthem:
A drug addicted, high ranking US diplomat accidentally loses his stash on a foreign trade trip in Saudi Arabia. The fiending diplomat strikes a deal to buy drugs from a local anarchist group who humiliate him by forcing him to have intercourse with a pig to prove he is not an undercover cop.

Nosedive:
In a utopian world where technology has essentially taken care of all of our needs, a small group of outsiders begins creating artisanal psychedelic drugs to deal with the mind-numbing boredom of everyday life.

Crack Museum:
After a drug fuelled nuclear war wipes the earth of nearly all of its inhabitants, one survivor sets out to build a museum to document how drugs lead to the collapse of society.The first artifact he puts on display is Rick James’ crack pipe.