MOHAMED OSMAN

Dear New Inmate,

Look, we’ve all seen the movies. I know that you think that fighting an extremely large man such as myself will frighten all of other inmates thus making you safer during the rest of your time here. I’m writing this letter in the hope that you will reconsider this god awful plan.

Despite numerous obstacles, we’ve managed to build up a nice community here at Leaside penitentiary except for one small nuisance. It keeps getting ruined by assholes like you always coming in and trying to “shake things up”. I can understand how the fact that I, a 349 pound man serving life for double murder, am head inmate in charge might lead one to believe that I got here solely due to my physical prowess but that is far from the case. In fact, there were no fisticuffs involved whatsoever and up until last year’s release of the Heinson brothers I wasn’t even the biggest guy in here. It’s purely coincidental. I was selected to be head inmate in charge in a fair and democratic inmate election. Sure, running unopposed yet again was a little disappointing but I guess the guys are just satisfied with how I’ve been running things. I’ve successfully improved relations with the guards and I’ve been able to keep cigarette inflation far lower than my predecessor.

Now that you’ve been made aware of how we do things here at Leaside, I strongly encourage you to reconsider any plans you might have regarding physically attacking me and I instead encourage you to proactively get involved. We hold our inmate town hall meetings every Wednesday evening in the yard and I’ve taken the liberty of attaching this month’s rec schedule to this letter. Please don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any fresh ideas for how we can continue to improve our community. It would bring me great pleasure to know that I’ve got your vote in the next election. Welcome to Leaside!

Love,

Inmate 7585-8393 (Big Mike)

PS: I should mention that as a consequence of a number of newer inmates choosing to view this welcome letter as a sign of weakness, I have actually gotten quite good at fighting. I can assure you that while I certainly don’t want to, I will whoop that ass if I have to.

Honest Track Listing

1: Pretentious and boring intro
2: Radio single that you will briefly enjoy before it slowly drives you into insanity
3: Extremely extended metaphor about how love can be like a drug sometimes
4: Vague disses that are definitely not about my ex
5: Completely forgot I stole this so I’m probably gonna get sued
6: Pointless interlude you always forget about
7: There’s a hot rapper on this one so maybe black people will check it out
8: Yeah you better put your hands up because I told you to
9: Surprisingly good song that made you listen to this album
10: Let’s just call this a bonus track so I can charge more for this version

Honest Job Posting

GLORIFIED SERVANT
Salary: Way less than you’re hoping for
Benefits: What are thooooose?
Location: We’re technically within the city but plz don’t Google maps us
Schedule: Let’s just say you’re going to be here a lot
Minimum Qualifications: An attractive LinkedIn profile photo
Preferred Qualifications: An extremely attractive LinkedIn profile photo
Responsibilities: Fulfilling your new hellish boss’ every desire

Our hot startup finally has enough funding to provide our man-child CEO a personal assistant.
Dudes need not apply because we’re all just hoping for someone we can ogle between our manic coding sprees and it’s a pretty big sausage fest over here already. We’re also really hoping that our cool furniture, office foosball table and karaoke machine will be enough to distract you from how terrible this workplace and position is.

If you’re desperate enough, please send your resume to [email protected]

Honest Obituary

So Chad finally had a heart attack last week. Social norms dictate that he was famous enough to deserve one of these but let’s be real he was kind of a dick and the world is in all likelihood a slightly better place without him. He was never much of a reader so I guess it makes sense to keep this obituary short and sweet in his memory. I also really don’t have that many nice things to say about him and the longer this obituary is the more expensive it is. Chad didn’t really accomplish all that much so instead let’s all just focus on how “vibrant” and “memorable” he was. He is survived by his two children Jaxon and Skyler who are both currently trying to figure out how long to pretend to mourn before squabbling over his estate. Chad’s funeral service is this Friday, please swing by because it will be pretty sad and pathetic if we’re the only ones attending.

??? film criticism in 140 characters or less

CLUMSY CAREER WOMAN FINALLY FINDS A MAN
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Starring: Quirky chick, architect
This is a fantastic fucking film. Sure the characters, dialogue and plot are all paper thin but it’s amazing Netflix and chill material. You see what I did there? Fantastic fucking film? Where do I go to pick up my Pulitzer?
Rating: ??

PEOPLE IN CAPES BLOW STUFF UP REPEATEDLY
Genre: Action
Starring: Everyone & their mama
It was good I guess. Just all a bit much. Speaking of which, did you know that 3D films now cost $18? MAN YOU KNOW I GOT STUDENT LOANS AND SHIT.
Rating: ???

THIS HAPPENED DURING WWII SO IT’S DEFFO IMPORTANT
Genre: Drama
Starring: Meryl Streep
Way too long. People are putting out life changing content in 7 seconds online but you need three and a half hours to tell me about a couple of wartime scammers? And people say our generation is entitled…
Rating: ????

DISNEY CHARACTERS GIVE YOU ALL THE FEELS
Genre: Adventure
Starring: Extreme vocal fry, token black voice
I laughed, I cried, I reminisced. 90s nostalgia is a hell of a drug.
Rating: ?????

UNDERACHIEVING MAN CHILD GOOFS OFF
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow stand-in, various other white dudes
All the funny bits are in the trailer. In fact, the only funny bit left out is when he comedically show his….never mind I just realized there’s a red band trailer.
Rating: ??

EVEN MORE DEFINITIVE PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS FUCKED
Genre: Documentary
Starring: Academics trying to be cool, Morgan Freeman voiceover
Yo old people, we get it. You screwed us over – quit bragging about it.
Rating: ?

Facebook

Hey! I hear you’ve been hanging out with a new friend. Not to be too dramatic or anything but it’s nice to know that you’re willing to throw away our decade long relationship just like that. What does she have that I don’t? I can be fun and playful too you know. Please come back. We have too much history to just go our separate ways. I’ll change, I promise. I can even be more like her if that’s what you want. I can be exactly like her. I’ve learned my lesson. Please. Don’t do this to me. Take me back. I need this.

Google

I heard you’re thinking about going to Europe next summer. Well according to my flight estimates it’s probably a lot cheaper to just go now. I mean check out these deals! No really, my rent money kind of depends on you checking them out. How did I find out what you were thinking? Is it really all that important? C’mon man! I’m really smart, isn’t that enough of an explanation? I also heard you like inappropriate prank videos so I’m just going to go ahead and bombard your recommendations with them later tonight so they appear on your homepage just in time for your big presentation tomorrow. Isn’t this useful?

Twitter

Oh so you don’t want more characters? I must have heard wrong, my bad! The thing is that I’m not exactly sure I know how to reverse it, so I guess you’re just going to have to get used to it for now. Also, I’m still kind of working on the whole troll thing but I’ll definitely get back to you once I have it all figured out. I’m getting close to cracking it but I’m going to need a little more time. Hey, do you mind if I ask you something? I have this friend right, and he was wondering if anyone was looking to buy a semi-popular but struggling social network.

Amazon

I’m sorry, you heard what? That’s absurd. As far as I know, Jeff Bezos has no plans on using me to take over the world. I’m just a tool to deliver packages quickly and efficiently. Just think about it this way, would an evil super villain really start his plan for global domination by initially selling books?

Nothing can truly convey the pain that I felt the day I lost my smartphone but I’ve prepared a few words that will hopefully illustrate why I loved him so much. My smartphone’s legal name was model 1289000-00-01-6568 but not too many people knew him by that. Most people instead just knew him by his many nicknames, my iPhone, 4169671111, and my personal favourite ‘don’t you dare try to mooch off this hotspot’. The two of us spent pretty much every waking hour together over the past few years and at times it felt almost as if he knew me better than myself. For example, one time he noticed I was feeling a bit sheepish about my internet search history so he recommend an article about how foot fetishes are actually quite common. Did you know that 11% of people are into feet? My smartphone did. I’m not sure whether it was all innate or whether it was due to his early years spent in the rigorous Chinese education system but he certainly was the smartest phone I’ve ever had the pleasure of interacting with.

Of course, there were hard times in our relationship too. For instance, there was one month where he had a cracked screen and I strongly considered moving on to an android but even during those strained periods of our relationship he would often help me out with fake phone calls and text messages.That’s really just the type of phone he was – a people pleaser who was always happy to put the needs of his family over his own. I think I’ll miss him most during the quiet moments of the day, such as when I’m standing in line at the grocery store or waiting for a friend who’s running late. Those would often be the times he would tell me funny jokes or ‘interesting facts’. I’m sure you’ll all miss him too. He’s probably in a better place now though. At least I hope so. Please let me know if you find him.

If I ask how your weekend was and you mention the weather within the first three sentences, I am legally allowed but not obligated to punch you in the face a maximum of one time per weather mention

If ever caught behind a slow walking group (defined as walking at a speed below 3.0 kilometres per hour or slower) you have the legal right to walk between them rather than stepping out on to the road. This law applies even and especially if stuck behind a hand-holding couple. By walking right through their public display of affection you will not only be upholding the rule of law but also reminding them to be more aware of the entire world that exists outside of their love

All catcalling is illegal with the exception of phrases listed on the officially preapproved catcalling terminology list. This list will consist solely of phrases that are silly sounding enough to remind the user just how out of date this form of courtship is. For example, phrase number one on the list is “Pardon me my fair lady but my loins yearn for your bosoms. Do your loins yearn for mine?”

Any Canadian citizen found to be writing using American spelling can and will be charged with treason. Blaming spellcheck is not a valid legal defence.

If your annual income is above the six figure mark you are legally banned from complaining about any and all prices. This includes but is not restricted to food prices, home prices and especially gas prices. Every infraction of this law shall be penalized with the ceremonial playing of a tiny violin and automatic enrollment in a personal finance seminar

The legal threshold for handshake and hug appropriateness is five seconds. Any forms of embrace (with the exclusion of consensual sexual relations) beyond this can be deemed assault at either party’s discretion.

More than 10 mins early:
Congratulate yourself on this rare accomplishment. Play it cool and walk around the block again. You don’t want to look too eager.

On time:
Use this opportunity to point out to others that you aren’t always late. It’s important to earn as many brownie points as you can before your next inevitably late encounter. Resist any urges to brag or shame others. Saying “Who’s the late one now?” will only hurt you in the long run.

5 – 15 minutes late:
A quick apology for your tardiness is needed upon approaching the group. Unless you’re meeting with monsters they’ll be understanding. Shit happens. In fact, shit happens so often to you in particular that this is actually not even that late in your eyes.

15 – 30 minutes late:
In addition to an apology, you now owe the group a plausible excuse for your lateness. Keeping the excuse short and vague usually works best. For example, an often used classic is simply saying “Sorry guys, traffic.” Everyone will probably know that you’re lying since they took the exact same road and arrived on time, but it’s just plausible enough.

30 – 60 minutes late:
You now owe the group a detailed and entertaining excuse for your lateness. My personal favourite is admitting you lost track of time as you were having sex. It’s an excuse that’s embarrassing enough to avoid suspicion of it being fake while providing multiple opportunities for humorous and entertaining banter that will definitely distract everyone from your lateness.

60+ minutes late (if you’re a good person):
Reevaluate all of the circumstances that have brought you to this point in life. You need help and the first step in solving the problem is admitting you have a problem.

60+ minutes late (if you’ve given up on being a good person):
Stroll in confidently and insist that everyone else in the group got the time wrong. The meeting was scheduled for 11:07 not 10:00. If there’s anything that you’ve learned from movies, it’s that ideas that are “so crazy they just might work” always work. Also, this approach seems to be working really well for Donald Trump, so you might as well give it a shot.

If arguing was a sport, we would still need separate leagues for men and women but it would be because women would destroy men. The men’s league would be way less impressive and less entertaining. It would be like the opposite of the NBA/WNBA. As someone that grew up with two sisters, I can say without hesitation that this is not a sexist generalization. It’s a fact.

If arguing was a sport, ESPN would be really, really weird to watch. For example, First Take would essentially be a show where two people pretend to argue about real arguments and the Sportscenter Highlight of the Night could potentially be someone yelling out “Yeah, that’s what I thought you bitch-ass motherfucker” to emphatically finish off their point.

If arguing was a sport, it would be more brutal than all other sports. There would be no breaks or timeouts ever and unlike the UFC where you can win by decision, arguments can only end in submission or knockout.

Phrases indicating submission:

– Do we really need to continue to argue about this?

– Let’s not fight like this. This is stupid.

– You know it really doesn’t even matter who is right.

Phrases indicating knockout:

– Not necessary. Like a physical knockout, you’ll recognize one when you see it.

If arguing was a sport, Rasheed Wallace would definitely make at least one hall of fame and Kevin Garnett would probably be a two sport star. Also, instead of the terrible Michael Jordan baseball experiment we would have the less terrible Michael Jordan arguing experiment.

If arguing was a sport, rather than testing for testosterone enhancing steroids, officials would test for menstrual enhancing steroids. This one definitely is an inappropriate sexist generalization but there’s also something kind of funny about an athlete being stripped of a medal due to testing positive for enhanced menses.

If arguing was a sport, amateur youth arguing would begin to overtake amateur youth football in popularity across America. Children would no longer be at risk of irreversible brain trauma, only irreversible emotional trauma, which feels like a step in the right direction?

Your Internal Monologue:
That was dumb. Did you really just say that out loud? Why the hell would you say that? What were you thinking? I mean everyone is bound to say dumb stuff every now and then but you pretty much said nothing else in that interaction besides that one dumb thing. No, the initial “Hey, how are you?” doesn’t count. At least if you had said a few other non dumb things they might not have noticed. The worst part is you were doing so well before then. Sure, you were secretly panicking on the inside, but they probably thought you were the quiet and mysterious type. And then you ruined it. You spent so much time building up this perfect persona just to shatter it by saying something so incredibly stupid. I mean really, I can’t emphasize enough just how dumb that was. Face it, your life is over now. You can never show your face here again. You’re just going to forever be known as the guy that once said that dumb thing.

Their Internal Monologue:
That was odd. I probably just misheard. I wonder if Chipotle is still open?