Canadian Mexican Standoff

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Two friends sit on couch watching a basketball game. Their eyes are glued to the screen as they both simultaneously reach for the last slice of pizza that sits on the coffee table in front of them. They touch hands.

VINCENT

Oh, my bad bro. Go ahead, you can have the last slice.

HASSAN

No you’re my guest, you have it.

VINCENT

No worries man. I probably ate more than you. You have it.

HASSAN

Dude, you reached for it. Just take it.

Vincent stands up in a way that is super intimidating. This is getting weird.

VINCENT

Hassan, I really insist.

Hassan also stands up.

HASSAN

You insist? Well I maintain that as my guest the last slice is yours. Those are the rules in this household.

VINCENT

C’mon man, are we really doing this?

Hassan doesn’t budge. He pulls a switchblade out of his hoody.

HASSAN

Eat the fucking slice Vincent.

Vincent steps back in surprise and fear.

VINCENT

Well damn, I guess I have no choice then.

Vincent reaches down as if to take the slice of pizza. But instead quickly pulls a gun from underneath the coffee table.

VINCENT

Except to kindly return the favour. Enjoy your slice...bro.

Hassan is clearly shocked by this turn of events. He drops the knife and raises his arms.

HASSAN

This is getting out of hand. We’re friends remember? What if we split it?

Vincent cooly shakes his head and slowly begins to pull on the trigger.

VINCENT

We both know it’s too late for that.

HASSAN

Okay! Okay! I’ll eat it! But since you clearly wanted more let’s just order another pizza. I promise I’m not trying anything funny.

Vincent with his gun still pointed at Hassan picks up a cell phone off the table and inspects it.

VINCENT

You bought the last one so I’ll buy this one.

Vincent dials with one hand and puts the phone to his ear. As he does this he notices a slight grin on Hassan’s face. It’s unsettling. SUDDENLY, A THIRD PERSON APPEARS FROM BEHIND VINCENT AND PISTOL WHIPS HIM ACROSS THE BACK OF THE HEAD. He is instantly knocked unconscious.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Vincent lies upright on a hospital stretcher with his eyes closed. Hassan sits beside him reading a magazine. Vincent slowly opens his eyes and begins to take in his surroundings.

VINCENT

What the hell man?! You knocked me out? That crosses the line dude. That’s messed up.

Hassan folds up his magazine.

HASSAN

Is it? Guess who’s paying for this beautiful private room? And the delicious pizza concoction being pumped into you right now. Hassan nod’s to the IV tube pumping a disgusting yellow liquid into Vincent’s body.

VINCENT

That’s the last slice isn’t it?

HASSAN

No, that’s the pee tube. But the other one is.

VINCENT

Oh wow. Thanks?

HASSAN

You’re welcome man. Anything for a friend.

Supervillain Gregg Popovich

INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR – NIGHT

COACH GREGG POPOVICH stares at a GIANT NAKED MAN that floats upright in a glass pod filled with water. Popovich runs his fingers along the glass and marvels at what is soon to become his newest basketball player.

COACH POPOVICH

It’s beautiful. This is your finest work yet.

We see that he is talking to a MEEK SCIENTIST who presumably created whatever this floating human thing is.

COACH POPOVICH

Can we make it’s hands bigger?

MEEK SCIENTIST

Bigger? They’re already a lot bigger than the last one.

Popovich gives the scientist a harsh look that says this is not a conversation we are going to have. He’s practiced this look on countless sideline reporters over the years.

COACH POPOVICH

They need to be even bigger.

MEEK SCIENTIST

I’ll see what I can do.

COACH POPOVICH

That’s not a yes. Are they going to be bigger the next time I come back here?

The scientist acquiesces and nods.

COACH POPOVICH

Good. I wanted to talk to you about Steve’s guy. Steph.

There is notable disgust in Popovich’s voice.

COACH POPOVICH

Can you believe the ego on that asshole? Who uses their own name? I thought Phil had a big head and even he had the decency to use the name Michael.

The scientist open his mouth to respond to this when Popovich continues.

COACH POPOVICH

And Steph’s not even better. He’s just more likeable. I thought we had that sorted out in the last release.

MEEK SCIENTIST

About that. It uh. It turns out the data we were using was a little outdated. Braids and a cool nickname just aren’t enough anymore. We can try to keep working on the personality but it’ll slow down everything else.

COACH POPOVICH

Forget it. It’s too late. Put all those resource into shot development. Let’s give the two Steves a run for their money.

Popovich begins to head toward a pair of large elevator doors before stopping and turning.

COACH POPOVICH

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I know I’m being sentimental but let’s give Timmy a little more juice. I have a feeling that this is going to be the year it all clicks.

Popovich presses the up button and enters the elevator

MEEK SCIENTIST

Pop?

COACH POPOVICH

Yes.

MEEK SCIENTIST

The new guy needs a name. So far I’ve just been calling him Bobby.

COACH POPOVICH

Bobby? That’s not bad. He needs to be foreign though. People are going to start asking questions if it’s another American.

Popovich thinks for a moment.

COACH POPOVICH

We’ll call him Boban. Boban....Marjanovic.

The elevator doors close on a grinning Popovich.

 

The Only Truly Renewable Energy Source

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE BREAK ROOM – DAY

Larry Bayschen, a nerdy looking scientists in lab coat, pours himself a cup of coffee as he wraps up a conversation with someone offscreen.

LARRY

I remember what those years were like with Allen, we must have gone through a box of tissues a week! If only we could find a way to convert all of that energy into electricity right? I’ll see you around buddy. Hey, don’t forget to send me that email!

Larry, still smiling at his dumb joke, begins to stir his coffee when his eyes widen and he suddenly stops. He reaches into his shirt pocket for a pen and begins to frantically write on a nearby napkin.

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY

Larry now stands at a whiteboard in his office and is still frantically writing away. He has used up most of the whiteboard and is struggling to fit whatever he is writing into the last corner when he stops and pauses.

LARRY

I’ve always wanted to do this.

Larry moves down the wall from the whiteboard and continues writing on a window instead. We see that he is writing complex math formulas.

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY – LATER

Larry stands in the middle of his office admiring his now completed masterpiece. We finally get to see the entire whiteboard and window. They’re both filled with incomprehensible math but also several diagrams that are instantly recognizable – diagrams of dicks. Giant dicks, tiny dicks, dicks with formulas in them, annotated dicks with formulas outside them, just lots and lots of dicks. Larry walks to his desk and presses a button on his telephone.

NANCY (OFFSCREEN)

Yes Mr. Bayschen?

LARRY

Nancy, I think I might have just cracked this whole thing. I’m going to need you to clear my schedule for this afternoon because I’m really on a roll here.

NANCY

Oh okay. Well I don’t want to throw you off or anything but you didn’t have any meetings scheduled anyway. Anthony actually just cancelled. Is that all Mr. Bayschen?

LARRY

No uh. One more thing.

NANCY

Yes?

LARRY

This is going to sound a bit odd, so I’m just going to go ahead and say it. Can you buy me a bunch of those replica penis models. I think they’re colloquially known as dildos? It’s actually work related.

NANCY

Sure it is..

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY

Larry types away busily at his computer when the front door to his office bursts open and another scientists walks in.

HAKEEM

Hey Larry, we were just going to go grab some coffee. Want to join us?

Hakeem sees a giant stack of dildos on Larry’s desk.

HAKEEM

You seem busy, I can always come back tomorrow.

Hakeem begins to head back out the door when he notices one of the formulas on the whiteboard.

HAKEEM

Wait a second, is this what I think this is Larry?

LARRY

Yeah, you’re actually the first person that’s seen it. What do you think?

HAKEEM

Larry I’m going to be completely honest with you. This is going to be either the most brilliant or most idiotic thing to ever come out of this office. Do you really think it can work?

LARRY

I don’t know. I still haven’t found any reason why it can’t.

The two lock eyes. Hakeem is intrigued.

MONTAGE

-Larry walks Hakeem through the various formulas throughout the room. Larry is extremely excited when he notices that Hakeem has suddenly stopped nodding along. Hakeem stops Larry as if to say “You forgot something” and then draws a few hairs on one of the penis diagrams. The two smile at this dumb joke. So far so good.

-Larry shows Hakeem his brilliant idea on a 3D model. It pretty much just looks like he is mimicking masturbation using a dildo. Hakeem shakes his head and snatches the dildo. Hakeem then begins mimicking masturbation with two hands instead of one. This is much better.

– Larry sits at his desk screwing together what appears to be a small watch while Hakeem stands behind him. Larry puts the watch on his wrist and begins fake masturbating on the dildo (using two hands of course). As Larry continues to pump away, a lightbulb on his desk flickers on. Both of their jaws drop in amazement.

LARRY

Holy shit. It works perfectly.

HAKEEM

Nope, not yet.

Hakeem walks across the room to the window sill which has hand sanitizer on it. He pumps a little into his hand, walks over and transfers it into Larry’s hand.

HAKEEM

Now it’s perfect. I think you’ve finally earned it Larry.

The two laugh at this exceptionally dumb joke like only nerdy scientists could.

INT. SUPER FANCY HOME OFFICE – DAY

Larry and Hakeem sit in an expensive and intimidating home office. Across from them sits an impeccably dressed man who looks exactly like Anthony Weiner. The two scientists are showing him a video of their experiment. There is an uncomfortable silence after the video stops playing as Anthony tries to comprehend it all.

ANTHONY

Are you guys messing with me? You guys have to be messing with me right?

LARRY

No, sir. This is 100% real.

ANTHONY

Look, I know you scientist types are late bloomers but you do know what this looks like right?

HAKEEM

We’re well aware. It uh, it actually inspired the design.

ANTHONY

And there’s no way we can use the technology in a less...graphic way?

LARRY

It’s by far the most effective design. Humans don’t often move in such a vigorous and repetitive manner.

ANTHONY

Unbelievable. We put 40% of our R&D budget into this and this is the result? A demo video that looks like something out of an awkward high school health class.

Anthony slams the laptop screen down in disgust.

ANTHONY

You guys remember all the feminine hygiene jokes when the iPad came out right? This is going to be a million times worse than that.

Anthony closes his eyes and rubs his temples as he thinks.

ANTHONY

(sarcastically)

Marketing is going to love this.

EXT. ROADSIDE – DAY

A burly man in a bright orange vest finishes putting up a giant roadside billboard. As he finishes, he steps back to admire his work and giggles. The billboard says “The Planet Comes First” in big bold letters with a photo of Larry and Hakeem’s device. In smaller letters it says “The world’s first renewable energy pocket rocket. A Weiner Industries product.”

INT. STOCK EXCHANGE STAGE – DAY

Anthony Weiner stands behind a large podium, in front of an enthusiastic audience.

ANTHONY WEINER

Today is an important day in the history of Weiner Industries but we are not here today solely to celebrate our success and IPO. No, today is much more important than that. Today is a celebration of human ingenuity.

INT. HOME OFFICE – DAY

A middle aged woman sits at a desk typing away when the lights in her office begin to flicker. She immediately begins to mimic masturbation and the lights return back to normal.

ANTHONY WEINER (V.O.)

Today we are celebrating the innovative thinking that has brought into this world a powerful and reliable new energy source.

EXT. ROADSIDE – DAY

A middle aged man sit in his car roadside. We can’t be sure but it certainly looks like he is masturbating vigorously. He finishes and then starts his car.

ANTHONY WEINER (V.O.)

An energy source that is portable and efficient.

EXT. STREET – DAY

A homeless man masturbates on the sidewalk right next to a small portable heater.

ANTHONY WEINER (V.O.)

While also remaining cheap and accessible enough to bring electricity to even the least fortunate.

INT. STOCK EXCHANGE STAGE – DAY

We’re back at the IPO podium.

ANTHONY WEINER

So it’s only right that I ask Larry Bayschen, the man who invented this revolutionary power source, the man who Weiner Industries and the world at large will forever remember as a scientific genius to help me ring this bell. Mr. Bayschen?

Larry smiles and joins Anthony as the crowd roars. A bit of a chant even begins to break out.

CROWD

LA-RRY! LA-RRY! LA-RRY!

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY

Larry is fast asleep in his chair with his feet on his desk as a conference call blares over the telephone speaker on his desk. He abruptly wakes up as he hears his name.

TELEPHONE VOICE 1

What do you think Larry? Larry? Larry?

TELEPHONE VOICE 2

I think we might of lost him.

TELEPHONE VOICE 1

Larry? You still there?

Larry scrambles to get his bearings. We see a glimpse of his notes which contain crude drawings of “Anthony Weiner-face” in the margins.

LARRY

Uh, yes. Yes, sir. Still here guys.

Unfortunately for him.

Historical Studio Notes

Hey, I definitely love what you’ve done with this so far but I had a few suggestions for you to consider:

On Hitler:
Is it possible to make him at least a little more likeable? I get that he’s meant to be the lead villain but he just seems almost laughably evil. Such an important character should really have a much stronger character arc.

On the War Parts:
The good news is that I absolutely love the potential for further sequels with the whole “WW1, WW2, WW3” framing! However, the goriness of some of these scenes really puts us at risk of losing our PG-13 rating. Is there anyway to show the viewers the atrocities of war without actually showing them the atrocities of war?

On Nelson Mandela:
I found this whole subplot to be a bit too unrealistic, melodramatic and “on the nose”. One note characters like this don’t exist in real life and him becoming president immediately seems like a bit of a stretch. Perhaps we can cut out the superfluous bit with him in jail..

On the Clinton Trump Plothole:
There seem to be some obvious inconsistencies in this universe. For example, earlier in the piece, President Clinton is shamed for his sexual impropriety and casualness with the truth while President Trump seems to be viewed positively for similar but far worse behaviour. Please address this plot hole.

On the Ending:
We are generally fans of happy endings here at the studio which is why were so troubled by the dark and ominous ending. Are there any changes we could make to address this? It doesn’t even have to be major – maybe there’s a way to put a positive spin on the whole nuclear fallout scene.

Once again, this is an excellent start but please let me know when you can have a second draft ready with the above changes.

– Big Shot Fancy Pants Studio Exec

Dear New Inmate

Dear New Inmate,

Look, we’ve all seen the movies. I know that you think that fighting an extremely large man such as myself will frighten all of other inmates thus making you safer during the rest of your time here. I’m writing this letter in the hope that you will reconsider this god awful plan.

Despite numerous obstacles, we’ve managed to build up a nice community here at Leaside penitentiary except for one small nuisance. It keeps getting ruined by assholes like you always coming in and trying to “shake things up”. I can understand how the fact that I, a 349 pound man serving life for double murder, am head inmate in charge might lead one to believe that I got here solely due to my physical prowess but that is far from the case. In fact, there were no fisticuffs involved whatsoever and up until last year’s release of the Heinson brothers I wasn’t even the biggest guy in here. It’s purely coincidental. I was selected to be head inmate in charge in a fair and democratic inmate election. Sure, running unopposed yet again was a little disappointing but I guess the guys are just satisfied with how I’ve been running things. I’ve successfully improved relations with the guards and I’ve been able to keep cigarette inflation far lower than my predecessor.

Now that you’ve been made aware of how we do things here at Leaside, I strongly encourage you to reconsider any plans you might have regarding physically attacking me and I instead encourage you to proactively get involved. We hold our inmate town hall meetings every Wednesday evening in the yard and I’ve taken the liberty of attaching this month’s rec schedule to this letter. Please don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any fresh ideas for how we can continue to improve our community. It would bring me great pleasure to know that I’ve got your vote in the next election. Welcome to Leaside!

Love,

Inmate 7585-8393 (Big Mike)

PS: I should mention that as a consequence of a number of newer inmates choosing to view this welcome letter as a sign of weakness, I have actually gotten quite good at fighting. I can assure you that while I certainly don’t want to, I will whoop that ass if I have to.

Honest Everything

Honest Track Listing

1: Pretentious and boring intro
2: Radio single that you will briefly enjoy before it slowly drives you into insanity
3: Extremely extended metaphor about how love can be like a drug sometimes
4: Vague disses that are definitely not about my ex
5: Completely forgot I stole this so I’m probably gonna get sued
6: Pointless interlude you always forget about
7: There’s a hot rapper on this one so maybe black people will check it out
8: Yeah you better put your hands up because I told you to
9: Surprisingly good song that made you listen to this album
10: Let’s just call this a bonus track so I can charge more for this version

Honest Job Posting

GLORIFIED SERVANT
Salary: Way less than you’re hoping for
Benefits: What are thooooose?
Location: We’re technically within the city but plz don’t Google maps us
Schedule: Let’s just say you’re going to be here a lot
Minimum Qualifications: An attractive LinkedIn profile photo
Preferred Qualifications: An extremely attractive LinkedIn profile photo
Responsibilities: Fulfilling your new hellish boss’ every desire

Our hot startup finally has enough funding to provide our man-child CEO a personal assistant.
Dudes need not apply because we’re all just hoping for someone we can ogle between our manic coding sprees and it’s a pretty big sausage fest over here already. We’re also really hoping that our cool furniture, office foosball table and karaoke machine will be enough to distract you from how terrible this workplace and position is.

If you’re desperate enough, please send your resume to [email protected]

Honest Obituary

So Chad finally had a heart attack last week. Social norms dictate that he was famous enough to deserve one of these but let’s be real he was kind of a dick and the world is in all likelihood a slightly better place without him. He was never much of a reader so I guess it makes sense to keep this obituary short and sweet in his memory. I also really don’t have that many nice things to say about him and the longer this obituary is the more expensive it is. Chad didn’t really accomplish all that much so instead let’s all just focus on how “vibrant” and “memorable” he was. He is survived by his two children Jaxon and Skyler who are both currently trying to figure out how long to pretend to mourn before squabbling over his estate. Chad’s funeral service is this Friday, please swing by because it will be pretty sad and pathetic if we’re the only ones attending.

Millennial Film Reviews

🔥🔥🔥 film criticism in 140 characters or less

CLUMSY CAREER WOMAN FINALLY FINDS A MAN
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Starring: Quirky chick, architect
This is a fantastic fucking film. Sure the characters, dialogue and plot are all paper thin but it’s amazing Netflix and chill material. You see what I did there? Fantastic fucking film? Where do I go to pick up my Pulitzer?
Rating: 🍆🍆

PEOPLE IN CAPES BLOW STUFF UP REPEATEDLY
Genre: Action
Starring: Everyone & their mama
It was good I guess. Just all a bit much. Speaking of which, did you know that 3D films now cost $18? MAN YOU KNOW I GOT STUDENT LOANS AND SHIT.
Rating: 😡😡😡

THIS HAPPENED DURING WWII SO IT’S DEFFO IMPORTANT
Genre: Drama
Starring: Meryl Streep
Way too long. People are putting out life changing content in 7 seconds online but you need three and a half hours to tell me about a couple of wartime scammers? And people say our generation is entitled…
Rating: 💩💩💩💩

DISNEY CHARACTERS GIVE YOU ALL THE FEELS
Genre: Adventure
Starring: Extreme vocal fry, token black voice
I laughed, I cried, I reminisced. 90s nostalgia is a hell of a drug.
Rating: 💫💫💫💫💫

UNDERACHIEVING MAN CHILD GOOFS OFF
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow stand-in, various other white dudes
All the funny bits are in the trailer. In fact, the only funny bit left out is when he comedically show his….never mind I just realized there’s a red band trailer.
Rating: 😑😑

EVEN MORE DEFINITIVE PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS FUCKED
Genre: Documentary
Starring: Academics trying to be cool, Morgan Freeman voiceover
Yo old people, we get it. You screwed us over – quit bragging about it.
Rating: 😩

The Internet Personified

Facebook

Hey! I hear you’ve been hanging out with a new friend. Not to be too dramatic or anything but it’s nice to know that you’re willing to throw away our decade long relationship just like that. What does she have that I don’t? I can be fun and playful too you know. Please come back. We have too much history to just go our separate ways. I’ll change, I promise. I can even be more like her if that’s what you want. I can be exactly like her. I’ve learned my lesson. Please. Don’t do this to me. Take me back. I need this.

Google

I heard you’re thinking about going to Europe next summer. Well according to my flight estimates it’s probably a lot cheaper to just go now. I mean check out these deals! No really, my rent money kind of depends on you checking them out. How did I find out what you were thinking? Is it really all that important? C’mon man! I’m really smart, isn’t that enough of an explanation? I also heard you like inappropriate prank videos so I’m just going to go ahead and bombard your recommendations with them later tonight so they appear on your homepage just in time for your big presentation tomorrow. Isn’t this useful?

Twitter

Oh so you don’t want more characters? I must have heard wrong, my bad! The thing is that I’m not exactly sure I know how to reverse it, so I guess you’re just going to have to get used to it for now. Also, I’m still kind of working on the whole troll thing but I’ll definitely get back to you once I have it all figured out. I’m getting close to cracking it but I’m going to need a little more time. Hey, do you mind if I ask you something? I have this friend right, and he was wondering if anyone was looking to buy a semi-popular but struggling social network.

Amazon

I’m sorry, you heard what? That’s absurd. As far as I know, Jeff Bezos has no plans on using me to take over the world. I’m just a tool to deliver packages quickly and efficiently. Just think about it this way, would an evil super villain really start his plan for global domination by initially selling books?

Smartphone Eulogy

Nothing can truly convey the pain that I felt the day I lost my smartphone but I’ve prepared a few words that will hopefully illustrate why I loved him so much. My smartphone’s legal name was model 1289000-00-01-6568 but not too many people knew him by that. Most people instead just knew him by his many nicknames, my iPhone, 4169671111, and my personal favourite ‘don’t you dare try to mooch off this hotspot’. The two of us spent pretty much every waking hour together over the past few years and at times it felt almost as if he knew me better than myself. For example, one time he noticed I was feeling a bit sheepish about my internet search history so he recommend an article about how foot fetishes are actually quite common. Did you know that 11% of people are into feet? My smartphone did. I’m not sure whether it was all innate or whether it was due to his early years spent in the rigorous Chinese education system but he certainly was the smartest phone I’ve ever had the pleasure of interacting with.

Of course, there were hard times in our relationship too. For instance, there was one month where he had a cracked screen and I strongly considered moving on to an android but even during those strained periods of our relationship he would often help me out with fake phone calls and text messages.That’s really just the type of phone he was – a people pleaser who was always happy to put the needs of his family over his own. I think I’ll miss him most during the quiet moments of the day, such as when I’m standing in line at the grocery store or waiting for a friend who’s running late. Those would often be the times he would tell me funny jokes or ‘interesting facts’. I’m sure you’ll all miss him too. He’s probably in a better place now though. At least I hope so. Please let me know if you find him.

A Brief List of Petty Laws That Should Exist

If I ask how your weekend was and you mention the weather within the first three sentences, I am legally allowed but not obligated to punch you in the face a maximum of one time per weather mention

If ever caught behind a slow walking group (defined as walking at a speed below 3.0 kilometres per hour or slower) you have the legal right to walk between them rather than stepping out on to the road. This law applies even and especially if stuck behind a hand-holding couple. By walking right through their public display of affection you will not only be upholding the rule of law but also reminding them to be more aware of the entire world that exists outside of their love

All catcalling is illegal with the exception of phrases listed on the officially preapproved catcalling terminology list. This list will consist solely of phrases that are silly sounding enough to remind the user just how out of date this form of courtship is. For example, phrase number one on the list is “Pardon me my fair lady but my loins yearn for your bosoms. Do your loins yearn for mine?”

Any Canadian citizen found to be writing using American spelling can and will be charged with treason. Blaming spellcheck is not a valid legal defence.

If your annual income is above the six figure mark you are legally banned from complaining about any and all prices. This includes but is not restricted to food prices, home prices and especially gas prices. Every infraction of this law shall be penalized with the ceremonial playing of a tiny violin and automatic enrollment in a personal finance seminar

The legal threshold for handshake and hug appropriateness is five seconds. Any forms of embrace (with the exclusion of consensual sexual relations) beyond this can be deemed assault at either party’s discretion.