A Few Good Men Left

INT. COURTROOM – DAY

At first glance it looks like just another television show. Heavily marketed but poorly reviewed primetime courtroom drama guest starring Aziz Ansari. As Aziz fidgets between the two expensive looking defense lawyers that flank him on either side, you can’t help but wonder why he’s doing a random television guest spot. Isn’t he a little too famous for this? Maybe he blew through all his Parks and Rec money. Maybe he has a cocaine problem. Maybe he was just bored.

It isn’t until the prosecutor calls Aziz by his real name and not some obviously made up one like Tom Haverford that it becomes clear that this is not a television show. This is real life. Aziz Ansari is really on trial for crimes against feminism.

PROSECUTOR

(to witness)

Now Grace, are you sure Aziz understood you were uncomfortable? Is there any chance that he didn’t hear your protests?

GRACE

No he definitely did. When I told him “Whoa slow down..next time” he poured me another drink and said “Now does this count as a second date?”

RANDOM MALE FROM THE BACK OF THE COURTROOM

Yeah he did! That’s my boy Rico Suave Ansari!

JUDGE

Order in the court room!

The judge bangs his gavel a few times and the heckler is quickly escorted out of the court room.

JUDGE

You may continue counselor.

PROSECUTOR

What happened next?

GRACE

We began to watch an episode of Seinfeld.

PROSECUTOR

Which episode?

DEFENSE LAWYER ONE

Objection your honor. Relevance?

PROSECUTOR

Your honor, they didn’t make it to the end of the opposite episode. It’s a testament to how horny and pushy he really was. That episode is a certified classic!

JUDGE

You’re right, that’s actually my favorite episode. Overruled.

The prosecutor looks down at his note in an attempt to recall his line of questioning.

JUDGE

(in a terrible accent)

No objection for you!

The entire courtroom is stunned. There is a horribly awkward silence. Was that supposed to be a joke?

JUDGE

Soup nazi -- get it? Sorry, I definitely waited too long before saying that. I’ll leave the comedy to the professionals in the room. Go ahead counselor.

PROSECUTOR

Which Seinfeld episode was this?

GRACE

The one where George does everything the opposite of how he normally would’ve.

PROSECUTOR

Did you make it to the end of the episode?

GRACE

No.

PROSECUTOR

Why not?

GRACE

Because about halfway through Aziz took of his pants and gestured toward his penis.

PROSECUTOR

Gestured how? Can you demonstrate?

Grace thinks for a moment before emphatically pointing to her crotch using finger-guns on both hands. The prosecutor turns towards the court reporter.

PROSECUTOR

Let the record show that Grace is pointing towards her penis. Well not her penis, Aziz’s. She obviously doesn’t have one. Although she might. You never know these days, they’re getting pretty good at hiding it. Also, she wasn’t actually pointing at Aziz’s penis. It was more like she was demonstrating how Aziz pointed at his own penis....You know what I’m sure you know what I mean.

The prosecutor turns back towards Grace.

PROSECUTOR

What happened next?

GRACE

I performed oral sex on him.

The crowd begins to murmur at this revelation. We overhear a few individuals quite clearly.

RANDOM WOMAN

Damn girl! Just like that? She’s really freaky-deaky huh.

RANDOM MAN ^

If that’s assault then I guess we’re all Bill Cosby. You know what I’m saying?

The judge once again calls for order in the courtroom before allowing the prosecutor to go ahead.

PROSECUTOR

Did you want to perform oral sex on him?

GRACE

No.

PROSECUTOR

So why did you perform oral sex on Aziz if you didn’t want to?

GRACE

Because I felt I had to.

PROSECUTOR

(to judge)

And there you have it. The defendant, a powerful Hollywood white male -- oops, I guess I forgot to update that part. Sorry, your Honor. I’ve been getting a lot of these.

The prosecutor quickly makes some adjustments to his speaking notes (mostly scratching out some stuff) before continuing.

PROSCECUTOR

The defendant, a powerful male Hollywood person of color used his male privilege to intimidate my client into sex. Just like Harvey and Louis and the rest of them. They’re all exactly the same thing and since Harvey was found guilty then it’s clear that Aziz should too. I rest my case.

The judge finishes taking her own notes and then glances at her watch.

JUDGE

We’ll continue after lunch, counselors. See you all in an hour.

An extremely worried looking Aziz watches as the judge packs up and exits back into her chambers. His two lawyers lean in front of him to quickly confer.

DEFENSE LAWYER ONE

It’s more than just the haircut, did you see her key fob?

DEFENSE LAWYER TWO

No. What’s wrong with her key fob?

DEFENSE LAWYER ONE

(wincing)

She drives a Subaru.

DEFENSE LAWYER TWO

We are so fucked.

INT. COURTROOM – LATER – DAY

Aziz stands in front of an extremely butch looking female bailiff with his right hand out. He is being sworn in.

BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?

AZIZ

I do.

Aziz turns to take a seat at the witness stand. As he does a small grin creeps up on his face.

AZIZ

Not really the circumstances I imagined myself first saying those two words. Although I hear that they can cost you quite a bit here in California.

The judge does not smile at this. Both of Aziz’s lawyers eye him nervously.

AZIZ

Jeez. Tough room huh.

Aziz awkwardly sits alone for a while before the prosecutor strolls up to the stand.

PROSECUTOR

Mr. Ansari, I understand that you claim to be feminist. Do you know what consent is?

AZIZ

Yes. It’s a synonym for agree. I can even use it in a sentence if you’d like. For example, my lawyers convinced me to CONSENT to testifying at this trial even though its stupid and a waste of time.

PROSECUTOR

Do you believe Grace consented to sexual intercourse on the night in question?

AZIZ

Of course.

PROSECUTOR

Is it possible that she might have been intimidated or coerced by you into actions she truly didn’t consent to?

AZIZ

I’m 5’4 and 140 soaking wet. Not really the intimidating type. In fact, of the countless rejections that I’ve gotten from casting directors over the years that’s probably the only one I’ve never heard. Too kooky? Definitely. Not leading man material – whatever that means? All the time. But never intimidating.

PROSECUTOR

Mr. Ansari you didn’t answer the question. A simple yes or no will suffice.

AZIZ

Yes, I suppose it’s possible. It’s also possible that in two minutes a large meteorite will land on and put us all out of our misery. Unlikely but possible.

PROSECUTOR

Mr. Ansari did you explicitly ask Grace for her consent prior to intercourse? Let me remind that you are under oath and obliged to answer truthful---

DEFENSE LAWYER 1

-- Objection, your honor! He pleaded innocent for God’s sake!

JUDGE

Sustained. You don’t have to answer that Mr. Ansari

AZIZ

Let’s be honest, we’re not really here to get answers anyway.

PROSECUTOR

I just think we’re all entitled to hear the defendant actually declare his innocence.

(to Aziz)

Come on Mr. Ansari, you can answer the question if you want to.

DEFENSE LAWYER 2

He’s badgering the witness, your honor!

Aziz is no longer annoyed. He’s straight up mad.

AZIZ

You want answers?

PROSECUTOR

I want the truth.

AZIZ

You’re a woman. You can’t handle the truth.

PROSECUTOR

Did you ask for Grace’s consent prior to any sexual intercourse.

AZIZ

It’s not that simple. I did what I had to do.

DEFENSE LAWYER 1

Aziz.

At this point both of Aziz’s lawyers faces are basically screaming “shut your mouth right now”.

PROSECUTOR

Grace is telling the truth isn’t she? You didn’t ask did you.

AZIZ

You’re God damn right I didn’t. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have a penis? It’s like your life is going perfectly fine when one day puberty hits and suddenly every waking moment of your life is controlled by this unquenchable monster between your legs. Now I know a lot of women hear that and think well I have urges too. Bullshit. Women don’t cat call on the off chance that the random person from across the street might really want to have sex. Women don’t wake up with explainable and uncontrollable morning wood on the morning of their fathers funeral. Women don’t furiously rub one out to Jessica Rabbit cartoon pornography. But I can guarantee you that every man in this room has at the very minimum done at least one of those things.

There is a split reaction from the men in the crowd. Some nod in wholehearted approval. Others scrunch their faces in utter confusion. One man who looks like he’s sitting to his significant other just smiles sheepishly.

AZIZ

Look, my dick has caused me a lot of grief in my life and it is definitely the stupidest part of my body by far. But it is absolutely brilliant at one thing – trying to get me laid. And you know what my dick has surmised is the number one thing you can do to ruin your odds of that happening? Explicitly asking – “Do you want to have sex with me?” Fabio himself couldn’t get laid after saying those words. Hell, I’m pretty sure even the most hardcore bra burning, armpit hair growing, free bleeding feminist doesn’t have sexual fantasies where her handsome boy toy leans in between kisses and asks “Hey you totally consent to this right?” Talk about a fucking buzzkill.

Aziz stews for a while before continuing angrily.

AZIZ

And where’s the accountability on her part? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those cavemen that thinks “Hey she was wearing a miniskirt she deserved to get raped” but she admits she never actually said she didn’t want to have sex. She’s a grown ass woman with two working feet and a working mouth that she could have used to get herself out of the situation. So yeah, I might have assumed she was interested after I took my pants off and she chose to stick around my apartment but if that’s an assumption then so is everything else in life. I don’t know that my car is going start every morning when I stick my key in the ignition but it’s a pretty safe assumption. I don’t know that the brakes will work every morning when I press that little black pedal but it’s a pretty safe assumption. I didn’t know Grace wanted to have sex that night but it was a pretty safe assumption. The only difference is for some reason I’m the one getting blamed when things didn’t work out instead of the faulty car.

It takes a few seconds for everyone to realize that Aziz’s angry rant has come to an end. An eerie silence takes over the room.

JUDGE

Mr. Ansari that was certainly quite the outburst. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed anything like that in all my years on the bench. Given that you have admitted guilt in open court, I have no choice but to find you guilty. Is the defense prepared to proceed with sentencing?

Aziz’s two lawyers look extremely shell-shocked by all of this. They turn towards each other and begin frantically whispering.

AZIZ

Just give it to me, your honor. My career is basically over now anyway.

JUDGE

Are you sure about this Mr. Ansari? You can consult with your representation.

Aziz looks strangely unfazed by all of this.

AZIZ

Yes, I’m sure.

JUDGE

Ok then. Mr. Ansari, your admission of guilt combined with the extreme lack of remorse shown by you throughout this trial has made this a relatively easy decision to make. I sentence you to harshest possible sentence for this crime – 12 years in maximum security prison. Bailiff, please escort Mr. Ansari out of my courtroom.

AZIZ

(sarcastically towards the crowd)

Awesome. My agent’s going to love this. Straight to dvd here we come.

As the crowd loudly murmurs at this unexpected turn of events, a mild mannered middle aged man attempts to get the attention of the judge.

MIDDLE AGED MAN

Excuse me. Ma’am? Hello? This is absurd.

After waving his arms at the judge proves futile, the man nonchalantly pulls out a pistol and shoots it into the air. Everyone freezes except for a random woman who quickly draws her gun and points it at him.

MIDDLE AGED MAN

Jesus. Is this what a guy has to do to get any attention around here? This is a courtroom for heaven’s sake.

RANDOM WOMAN

Mmmhmm. It would be a straight white guy waving a gun around and starving for attention.

MIDDLE AGED MAN

What does my race and gender have to do with anything?

RANDOM WOMAN

There you go again with your white male privilege. Unfortunately for some of us, race and gender are related to everything.

MIDDLE AGED MAN

You see that’s the problem with you people. You always want to --

RANDOM WOMAN

Now what do you mean by “you people”?

MIDDLE AGED MAN

Really? You’re going to try to imply that I’m racist because we disagree? Come on. I’m not even going to dignify that with a response. I’m not going to stoop that level of --

RANDOM WOMAN

I see. So you’re referring to a group that you feel is below you?

The middle aged man points the gun directly at the random woman.

MIDDLE AGED MAN

Can you just let me finish! That’s not at all what I’m trying to say!

The man takes a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself before starting again. As he does the butch looking bailiff re-enters the courtroom. She quickly pieces together what’s going on and unholsters her own gun. The middle aged man is now outmatched 2 to 1.

MIDDLE AGED MAN

All that I was trying to say before you rudely interrupted me was that people such as yourself seem to think all sexual misconduct is the same. I mean a pat on the butt clearly doesn’t deserve the same outrage as child molestation!

BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF

Hey haven’t I see you before? Aren’t you a famous actor or something.

RANDOM WOMAN

Yeah from that movie with the math and the apples.

BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF

Ethan Hawke?

RANDOM WOMAN

Sean Astin?

BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF

Ben Affleck?

RANDOM WOMAN

No that’s definitely the other guy. The dumb one.

MIDDLE AGED MAN

(Cleary frustrated)

Matt Damon damn it! My name’s Matt Damon.

BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF

Well it looks like you have a decision to make Matt and let me state the obvious just in case you’re not as good at math as in the movies. We have two guns you have one.

Matt thinks about it and then drops his gun. He is immediately tackled and handcuffed by the butch looking bailiff.

MATT DAMON

Relax, It’s not even real. I got it off set.

The bailiff begins to drag Matt out of the courtroom (to where Aziz got lead off to) when the judge interrupts.

JUDGE

Hold on a moment. Mr. Damon? Why is your name so familiar? Do you have any upcoming court cases or maybe an outstanding warrant for your arrest or something?

MATT DAMON

Probably. I’m a white male remember? But it also could be because I’m really fucking famous. Haven’t you guys ever seen any of the Bourne movies? Ocean’s 11? 12? 13?

JUDGE

(to Bailiff)

Make sure to run him in the system for anything outstanding before you hand him off to the police.

BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF

(holding up his phone)

Just did a quick google boss. He’s had quite the past. I mean take a look at some of these headlines.

The bailiff begins reading from the phone.

BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF

Matt Damon calls for diversity in front of the camera not behind it. Matt Damon casting is another case of Hollywood whitewashing. Matt Damon tells gay actors to get back in the closet. There’s so many of these. I’m just going to go ahead and guess that he’s going to be in jail for a long, long time.

JUDGE

Well at this point in most conversations I’d say it was nice to meet you Mr. Damon but it honestly wasn’t. Get him out of here.

The bailiff leads Matt Damon away and as he does he locks eyes with a large bearded man in the crowd. A closer look reveals the man is Ben Affleck. The two share a tender goodbye moment as Dido’s “Thank You” plays and Matt Damon is taken away.

You Have Writer

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE EXAM ROOM – DAY

A nervous young woman sits on the examination table. She eyes the posters and pamphlets within the pristine room – each one more intimidating than the last. The door opens just as she is about to begin scrolling through her phone.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Hi Michelle! How are you this fine morning?

MICHELLE

I guess it really depends on the test results right? I’ve been doing a little self diagnosing recently and according to WebMD I might have brain cancer?

Doctor Harris laughs a little too loudly and sits down across from her. He’s middle aged and British which gives everything he says an air of authority.

DOCTOR HARRIS

You probably have nothing to worry about but it never hurts to be cautious. Let’s take a look.

Doctor Harris opens up a manila folder and begins reading Michelle’s test results. Michelle simultaneously attempts to read the doctor’s facial expressions.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Hmmm..

Michelle’s face drops. Doctor Harris flips the page and his brows immediately furrow.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well that’s not great.

Michelle’s eyes widen. Doctor Harris flips the page once again and looks even more concerned.

DOCTOR HARRIS

(to himself)

Never would have guessed it.

MICHELLE

Is everything alright? You’re kinda scaring me doc.

Doctor Harris looks confused – almost as if he forgot Michelle was right there. He then immediately snaps back into “super professional” mode.

DOCTOR HARRIS

According to the test results, you have writer.

MICHELLE

I’m sorry did you say writer?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Yes, are you familiar with the condition?

MICHELLE

No. What is it?

DOCTOR HARRIS

It’s a neurological disorder that results in unusual psychotic tendencies.

MICHELLE

Like what?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well it’s technically quite complex and like most neurological disorders it’s really ultimately caused by a slight chemical imbalance but let me see if I can explain it simply.

Doctor Harris thinks for a moment.

DOCTOR HARRIS

You know those weird thoughts that everyone has? Like, if a turtle were to lose its shell would it be naked or would it be homeless? Or where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? Or why is abbreviated such a long word? Well normal people have those thoughts and then think that’s a weird thought I probably shouldn’t think of that and keep living their lives. People with writer don’t do that. People with writer obsess about those thoughts and keep thinking about them for way too long. It’s like..unhealthy dysfunctional daydreaming.

MICHELLE

Sounds serious. How worried should I be?

DOCTOR HARRIS

It can get pretty bad so I won’t sugarcoat it but some have been able to live relatively normal and successful lives despite it. Mild cases are a lot more common than you might think.

MICHELLE

How bad do I have it?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well according to your test results you have a rather severe case. But I’ll have to ask you some questions to really verify the diagnosis. I do have to warn you though. Some of these questions may be a bit...personal.

MICHELLE

Not a problem. Go ahead.

Doctor Harris flips to another sheet in his folder and pulls out a pen. After each question and answer he takes notes.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Did you read a lot as a child?

MICHELLE

Yes.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Do you often spend time endlessly re-wording text messages and emails until they sound just right?

MICHELLE

Yes.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Have you ever thought less of someone due to their poor spelling?

MICHELLE

(Hesitant)

Yes.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Would you consider yourself popular in highschool?

MICHELLE

Yes. Wait....No.

DOCTOR HARRIS

I’ll let you in on a little secret. That last one is a trick question. People with writer are almost never popular in highschool.

MICHELLE

So do I officially have it?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Yes, one of the worst cases I’ve probably seen. It’s a shame really. Any decent doctor should have caught this by now.

MICHELLE

But you’ve been my doctor since forever.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Really? Have you still been coming in for your annual checkups?

MICHELLE

Every year! You always do that thing where you joke about how I’m now officially too tall for a lollipop but you still end up giving me one anyway...You don’t remember?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well that’s embarrassing.

MICHELLE

Is writer curable?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Unfortunately not.

There is an awkward silence as they both stew on this.

MICHELLE

So what am I supposed to do?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Sorry, I probably should have lead with that.

Doctor Harris hands Michelle several pamphlets. One of the them is for a medication with a ridiculously long and graphically detailed list of side effects.

DOCTOR HARRIS

These will tell you everything you need to know about writer as well as your current treatment options. I’m also going to refer you to a specialist who can get you started with therapy and begin prescribing medication. Do you have any other specific questions?

MICHELLE

I don’t think so. This is just a lot to take in.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well you can always meet with me or the specialist if you think of any. I highly recommend some of those online support groups listed. Some of my patients really swear by one. I think it’s called Medium.com? I’ll go get the specialists information for you.

Doctor Harris begins to head towards the door.

MICHELLE

Hey Doc? This might be a stupid question--

DOCTOR HARRIS

There’s no such thing as a stupid question Michelle.

MICHELLE

This writer thing. It’s not in anyway related to writing is it?

Once again Doctor Harris laughs a little too loudly. It’s demeaning.

DOCTOR HARRIS

As in the physical act of putting thoughts into words on a page?

MICHELLE

Yeah.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Nope. Completely unrelated.

 

The Internet Personified

Facebook

Hey! I hear you’ve been hanging out with a new friend. Not to be too dramatic or anything but it’s nice to know that you’re willing to throw away our decade long relationship just like that. What does she have that I don’t? I can be fun and playful too you know. Please come back. We have too much history to just go our separate ways. I’ll change, I promise. I can even be more like her if that’s what you want. I can be exactly like her. I’ve learned my lesson. Please. Don’t do this to me. Take me back. I need this.

Google

I heard you’re thinking about going to Europe next summer. Well according to my flight estimates it’s probably a lot cheaper to just go now. I mean check out these deals! No really, my rent money kind of depends on you checking them out. How did I find out what you were thinking? Is it really all that important? C’mon man! I’m really smart, isn’t that enough of an explanation? I also heard you like inappropriate prank videos so I’m just going to go ahead and bombard your recommendations with them later tonight so they appear on your homepage just in time for your big presentation tomorrow. Isn’t this useful?

Twitter

Oh so you don’t want more characters? I must have heard wrong, my bad! The thing is that I’m not exactly sure I know how to reverse it, so I guess you’re just going to have to get used to it for now. Also, I’m still kind of working on the whole troll thing but I’ll definitely get back to you once I have it all figured out. I’m getting close to cracking it but I’m going to need a little more time. Hey, do you mind if I ask you something? I have this friend right, and he was wondering if anyone was looking to buy a semi-popular but struggling social network.

Amazon

I’m sorry, you heard what? That’s absurd. As far as I know, Jeff Bezos has no plans on using me to take over the world. I’m just a tool to deliver packages quickly and efficiently. Just think about it this way, would an evil super villain really start his plan for global domination by initially selling books?

Socks and Adulting

Sometimes I feel like I missed a few mandatory classes on how to be an adult. Basic stuff like this is how you do taxes or this is how you make food that doesn’t come out of a box or this is how you put socks on like an adult. At this point I’m sure most of you are thinking “Come on Mo. There’s no adult or child way to put socks on.” And this is where I prove you wrong.

This is how a normal functioning adult puts sock on.

This is how I put socks on up until a few days ago.

It’s clearly the less efficient and less grown up way to put socks on.

I actually had a bit of a meltdown the day I figured this whole sock thing out because if I’m still putting socks on like a child with over two decades of practice then I am not on pace to survive. Am I ever going to understand fixed and variable rate mortgages? No, I’m gonna be homeless.

Local News

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with the local news and I finally realized why.

WHY I HATE THE LOCAL NEWS

First, they never just tell you the story. Like they won’t just say a hurricane is coming and you should probably leave. Instead they always gotta start with a snarky little intro. Something cheesy like:

A huff and a puff and he’ll blow your house down, is hurricane Harvey coming to town? Find out next..

Just completely unnecessary and over the top dramatic for no reason. It’s like every news anchor thinks that this is going to lead to their big break if they deliver the line just right.

Also, the ordering of the stories makes no sense. For example, on one show the first story was about a hurricane, a major national news story, which completely makes sense to lead with. The second story was about a cute dog that got rescued which would lead you to believe it was a slow news day but then came the third story. The third story was about a double murder! Now I know PETA has made major strides but when did dogs become more important than unsolved murders? That means there was a news producer that actually thought:

You know what, two murders just isn’t sexy enough, they might change the channel. We should move the dog story up.

WHY I LOVE THE LOCAL NEWS

  1. Weird interviewees are the best
  2. Watching office drama break out on live tv is mesmerizing
  3. Actually knowing what’s going on locally

Vegan Chicken Omelette

I’m pretty sure one of my friends has the world’s dumbest twitter bio, and in true Twitter form she’s managed to do it in only four words. Her Twitter bio says:

Vegan 1 and animal lover

It’s redundant right? I don’t know about you but I’ve never met anyone who’s vegan for the flavor benefits. I highly doubt that there’s even one vegan out there that thought “Fuck the animals, I just really love broccoli. It’s delicious.” That’s never happened.

Veganism is fascinating to me because vegans choose and often pay a lot of money to avoid meat products because it goes against their beliefs and my beliefs are the complete opposite of that. I believe that there’s no amount of money equivalent to a good piece of chicken. Somebody could literally offer me a billion dollars to go vegan and I honestly think I’d say no. 2 Chicken is just that important to my happiness right now. 3

One of my favorite meals is the chicken omelette. The chicken omelette has to be the most aggressive way one species can just completely dominate another species. A chicken omelette starts with a chicken abortion (of a completely innocent baby chicken) and then continues with the murder of it’s presumably grieving chicken mother, chopping her up, and then combining their dead remains to create a delicious hearty breakfast. That’s messed up. Maybe vegans really do have a point after all.

  1. One word in and not a great start
  2. Don’t get me wrong, I’d definitely sleep on it because that’s a major hypothetical life decision but ultimately, I just don’t think that’s enough to compensate for a sad chicken free life.
  3. I will refuse to let black stereotypes take the joy of eating chicken away from me until I die. Rosa parks drew the line at a bus seat, I’m drawing the line at Popeye’s.

Fast and Furious Pranks

I don’t think I’m ever going to be as as mature as my parents. In fact, I know I’m not because I’ve already begun planning pranks for when I’m their age. 30 years from now, when we’re all in self driving cars and stuff, I’m going to start telling young people that The Fast & The Furious was a documentary series.

Son, this is really just how we all drove. Dinging your bumper as you drift through a crowd to avoid a drone strike? No biggie, it happens to the best of us. Accidentally taking the wrong shortcut from one building to another in Dubai? That’s exactly what insurance is for.

I really think it could work because by then I’ll just be some innocent looking old guy with absolutely no reason whatsoever to lie about it. And that’s what makes it brilliant. But let’s say someone pushes back and seems skeptical. I have one fact that will instantly give me credibility. I’m going to ask them to look up how Paul Walker died. 1

I think the only thing that could potentially ruin this prank is that there’s a real possibility that the series is still around and popular 30 years from now. I can see the promos already:

Coming August 2047: The 20th instalment of the world’s greatest film series, Fast and FuryXX. Starring Taylor Lautner as Vin Diesel’s ethnically ambiguous son in a literal space race for the ages.

I’m making fun of it like I wouldn’t go see it but I’d definitely go see it. They’ll probably be blowing up entire planets by then and who doesn’t want to see that?

  1. This is the unfortunate part of the post where I have to explain that Paul Walker, the star (former star I guess..) of The Fast and the Furious died in a car accident. Obviously a sad and unfortunate situation, but it’s nice to know that god has a sense of humour.

The Year Ahead in Headlines

– Happy New Year! Here are some tips to help delay the eventual screwing up of your New Year’s resolution.

– Someone in Florida did something stupid again.

– Republican presidential candidate says something racist. While attempting to defuse the situation, he accidentally says something even more racist.

– You’ve already broken your new year’s eve resolution? Here’s where you fucked up.

– Angry mob of social network users threaten to jump ship after new feature is added. After spending a few minutes back in real life most decide to reconsider.

– Olympians overjoyed that we are all at least pretending to care about their sport again.

– Self deprecating celebrity reminds the world that they’re just like the rest of us

– Black teens turn unsuspecting white male into meme.

– Apple admits their last product was trash. But today they’re revealing something truly revolutionary -and it only costs twice as much as last time!

– Playing golf all year round is cool and all but this climate change stuff is actually kind of serious guys.

– It’s Columbus Day! Time to remind you just how bullshit this holiday really is.

– D list celebrity wears extremely offensive costume. Claims they had no idea it was offensive.

– Nerds still seem to think this bitcoin thing is pretty important. Let’s try to find out why.

– Remember that meme that was funny earlier this year? You can now give it to someone for Christmas!

 

Crack Mirror

Not many people are aware that that the popular show “Black Mirror” is actually spin off of a short-lived television series from the ‘80s called “Crack Mirror”. While the more modern Netflix series has certainly proven more popular, with its often bleak take on the dangers of technology, the original series was just as pessimistic about a different topic — drugs. Although only seven episodes of the show were aired before being cancelled by PBS, a full season of 12 episodes was scheduled to be produced by Ronald Reagan’s television production company ReaganCo. After several weeks of sleuthing, our team has been able to uncover the scripts of the unreleased five episodes.

Gateway:
A straight-laced college freshman is pressured into trying marijuana at party. Upon discovering that he enjoys both marijuana and the metaphorical high that comes along with breaking the law, he loses respect for all forms of authority, drops out of college and chooses to become a psychotic axe murderer.

San Junipero:
A small town nurse discovers an outbreak of lesbianism being caused by a new designer drug.

The National Anthem:
A drug addicted, high ranking US diplomat accidentally loses his stash on a foreign trade trip in Saudi Arabia. The fiending diplomat strikes a deal to buy drugs from a local anarchist group who humiliate him by forcing him to have intercourse with a pig to prove he is not an undercover cop.

Nosedive:
In a utopian world where technology has essentially taken care of all of our needs, a small group of outsiders begins creating artisanal psychedelic drugs to deal with the mind-numbing boredom of everyday life.

Crack Museum:
After a drug fuelled nuclear war wipes the earth of nearly all of its inhabitants, one survivor sets out to build a museum to document how drugs lead to the collapse of society.The first artifact he puts on display is Rick James’ crack pipe.

A Major Facebook Announcement

Dear “Friends”,

As I’m sure many of you have no doubt already heard, Alyson and I have been living apart for the past few weeks now and are in the midst of filing for divorce. Rather than continuing to allow inaccurate rumours to fester, I would like to take a moment to publicly straighten out what exactly happened. On February 17th, I walked in on Alyson thoroughly enjoying an episode of “The Big Bang Theory” in our marital bedroom. As you can imagine, this came as quite the shock and I was (and still am) horrified and disgusted. After several weeks of couples therapy, Aly and I have determined that our relationship simply cannot be mended after such a gross violation of both my trust and comedic decency. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

Regards,
Mo Osman