INT. COURTROOM – DAY
At first glance it looks like just another television show. Heavily marketed but poorly reviewed primetime courtroom drama guest starring Aziz Ansari. As Aziz fidgets between the two expensive looking defense lawyers that flank him on either side, you can’t help but wonder why he’s doing a random television guest spot. Isn’t he a little too famous for this? Maybe he blew through all his Parks and Rec money. Maybe he has a cocaine problem. Maybe he was just bored.
It isn’t until the prosecutor calls Aziz by his real name and not some obviously made up one like Tom Haverford that it becomes clear that this is not a television show. This is real life. Aziz Ansari is really on trial for crimes against feminism.
PROSECUTOR
(to witness)
Now Grace, are you sure Aziz understood you were uncomfortable? Is there any chance that he didn’t hear your protests?
GRACE
No he definitely did. When I told him “Whoa slow down..next time” he poured me another drink and said “Now does this count as a second date?”
RANDOM MALE FROM THE BACK OF THE COURTROOM
Yeah he did! That’s my boy Rico Suave Ansari!
JUDGE
Order in the court room!
The judge bangs his gavel a few times and the heckler is quickly escorted out of the court room.
JUDGE
You may continue counselor.
PROSECUTOR
What happened next?
GRACE
We began to watch an episode of Seinfeld.
PROSECUTOR
Which episode?
DEFENSE LAWYER ONE
Objection your honor. Relevance?
PROSECUTOR
Your honor, they didn’t make it to the end of the opposite episode. It’s a testament to how horny and pushy he really was. That episode is a certified classic!
JUDGE
You’re right, that’s actually my favorite episode. Overruled.
The prosecutor looks down at his note in an attempt to recall his line of questioning.
JUDGE
(in a terrible accent)
No objection for you!
The entire courtroom is stunned. There is a horribly awkward silence. Was that supposed to be a joke?
JUDGE
Soup nazi -- get it? Sorry, I definitely waited too long before saying that. I’ll leave the comedy to the professionals in the room. Go ahead counselor.
PROSECUTOR
Which Seinfeld episode was this?
GRACE
The one where George does everything the opposite of how he normally would’ve.
PROSECUTOR
Did you make it to the end of the episode?
GRACE
No.
PROSECUTOR
Why not?
GRACE
Because about halfway through Aziz took of his pants and gestured toward his penis.
PROSECUTOR
Gestured how? Can you demonstrate?
Grace thinks for a moment before emphatically pointing to her crotch using finger-guns on both hands. The prosecutor turns towards the court reporter.
PROSECUTOR
Let the record show that Grace is pointing towards her penis. Well not her penis, Aziz’s. She obviously doesn’t have one. Although she might. You never know these days, they’re getting pretty good at hiding it. Also, she wasn’t actually pointing at Aziz’s penis. It was more like she was demonstrating how Aziz pointed at his own penis....You know what I’m sure you know what I mean.
The prosecutor turns back towards Grace.
PROSECUTOR
What happened next?
GRACE
I performed oral sex on him.
The crowd begins to murmur at this revelation. We overhear a few individuals quite clearly.
RANDOM WOMAN
Damn girl! Just like that? She’s really freaky-deaky huh.
RANDOM MAN ^
If that’s assault then I guess we’re all Bill Cosby. You know what I’m saying?
The judge once again calls for order in the courtroom before allowing the prosecutor to go ahead.
PROSECUTOR
Did you want to perform oral sex on him?
GRACE
No.
PROSECUTOR
So why did you perform oral sex on Aziz if you didn’t want to?
GRACE
Because I felt I had to.
PROSECUTOR
(to judge)
And there you have it. The defendant, a powerful Hollywood white male -- oops, I guess I forgot to update that part. Sorry, your Honor. I’ve been getting a lot of these.
The prosecutor quickly makes some adjustments to his speaking notes (mostly scratching out some stuff) before continuing.
PROSCECUTOR
The defendant, a powerful male Hollywood person of color used his male privilege to intimidate my client into sex. Just like Harvey and Louis and the rest of them. They’re all exactly the same thing and since Harvey was found guilty then it’s clear that Aziz should too. I rest my case.
The judge finishes taking her own notes and then glances at her watch.
JUDGE
We’ll continue after lunch, counselors. See you all in an hour.
An extremely worried looking Aziz watches as the judge packs up and exits back into her chambers. His two lawyers lean in front of him to quickly confer.
DEFENSE LAWYER ONE
It’s more than just the haircut, did you see her key fob?
DEFENSE LAWYER TWO
No. What’s wrong with her key fob?
DEFENSE LAWYER ONE
(wincing)
She drives a Subaru.
DEFENSE LAWYER TWO
We are so fucked.
INT. COURTROOM – LATER – DAY
Aziz stands in front of an extremely butch looking female bailiff with his right hand out. He is being sworn in.
BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?
AZIZ
I do.
Aziz turns to take a seat at the witness stand. As he does a small grin creeps up on his face.
AZIZ
Not really the circumstances I imagined myself first saying those two words. Although I hear that they can cost you quite a bit here in California.
The judge does not smile at this. Both of Aziz’s lawyers eye him nervously.
AZIZ
Jeez. Tough room huh.
Aziz awkwardly sits alone for a while before the prosecutor strolls up to the stand.
PROSECUTOR
Mr. Ansari, I understand that you claim to be feminist. Do you know what consent is?
AZIZ
Yes. It’s a synonym for agree. I can even use it in a sentence if you’d like. For example, my lawyers convinced me to CONSENT to testifying at this trial even though its stupid and a waste of time.
PROSECUTOR
Do you believe Grace consented to sexual intercourse on the night in question?
AZIZ
Of course.
PROSECUTOR
Is it possible that she might have been intimidated or coerced by you into actions she truly didn’t consent to?
AZIZ
I’m 5’4 and 140 soaking wet. Not really the intimidating type. In fact, of the countless rejections that I’ve gotten from casting directors over the years that’s probably the only one I’ve never heard. Too kooky? Definitely. Not leading man material – whatever that means? All the time. But never intimidating.
PROSECUTOR
Mr. Ansari you didn’t answer the question. A simple yes or no will suffice.
AZIZ
Yes, I suppose it’s possible. It’s also possible that in two minutes a large meteorite will land on and put us all out of our misery. Unlikely but possible.
PROSECUTOR
Mr. Ansari did you explicitly ask Grace for her consent prior to intercourse? Let me remind that you are under oath and obliged to answer truthful---
DEFENSE LAWYER 1
-- Objection, your honor! He pleaded innocent for God’s sake!
JUDGE
Sustained. You don’t have to answer that Mr. Ansari
AZIZ
Let’s be honest, we’re not really here to get answers anyway.
PROSECUTOR
I just think we’re all entitled to hear the defendant actually declare his innocence.
(to Aziz)
Come on Mr. Ansari, you can answer the question if you want to.
DEFENSE LAWYER 2
He’s badgering the witness, your honor!
Aziz is no longer annoyed. He’s straight up mad.
AZIZ
You want answers?
PROSECUTOR
I want the truth.
AZIZ
You’re a woman. You can’t handle the truth.
PROSECUTOR
Did you ask for Grace’s consent prior to any sexual intercourse.
AZIZ
It’s not that simple. I did what I had to do.
DEFENSE LAWYER 1
Aziz.
At this point both of Aziz’s lawyers faces are basically screaming “shut your mouth right now”.
PROSECUTOR
Grace is telling the truth isn’t she? You didn’t ask did you.
AZIZ
You’re God damn right I didn’t. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have a penis? It’s like your life is going perfectly fine when one day puberty hits and suddenly every waking moment of your life is controlled by this unquenchable monster between your legs. Now I know a lot of women hear that and think well I have urges too. Bullshit. Women don’t cat call on the off chance that the random person from across the street might really want to have sex. Women don’t wake up with explainable and uncontrollable morning wood on the morning of their fathers funeral. Women don’t furiously rub one out to Jessica Rabbit cartoon pornography. But I can guarantee you that every man in this room has at the very minimum done at least one of those things.
There is a split reaction from the men in the crowd. Some nod in wholehearted approval. Others scrunch their faces in utter confusion. One man who looks like he’s sitting to his significant other just smiles sheepishly.
AZIZ
Look, my dick has caused me a lot of grief in my life and it is definitely the stupidest part of my body by far. But it is absolutely brilliant at one thing – trying to get me laid. And you know what my dick has surmised is the number one thing you can do to ruin your odds of that happening? Explicitly asking – “Do you want to have sex with me?” Fabio himself couldn’t get laid after saying those words. Hell, I’m pretty sure even the most hardcore bra burning, armpit hair growing, free bleeding feminist doesn’t have sexual fantasies where her handsome boy toy leans in between kisses and asks “Hey you totally consent to this right?” Talk about a fucking buzzkill.
Aziz stews for a while before continuing angrily.
AZIZ
And where’s the accountability on her part? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those cavemen that thinks “Hey she was wearing a miniskirt she deserved to get raped” but she admits she never actually said she didn’t want to have sex. She’s a grown ass woman with two working feet and a working mouth that she could have used to get herself out of the situation. So yeah, I might have assumed she was interested after I took my pants off and she chose to stick around my apartment but if that’s an assumption then so is everything else in life. I don’t know that my car is going start every morning when I stick my key in the ignition but it’s a pretty safe assumption. I don’t know that the brakes will work every morning when I press that little black pedal but it’s a pretty safe assumption. I didn’t know Grace wanted to have sex that night but it was a pretty safe assumption. The only difference is for some reason I’m the one getting blamed when things didn’t work out instead of the faulty car.
It takes a few seconds for everyone to realize that Aziz’s angry rant has come to an end. An eerie silence takes over the room.
JUDGE
Mr. Ansari that was certainly quite the outburst. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed anything like that in all my years on the bench. Given that you have admitted guilt in open court, I have no choice but to find you guilty. Is the defense prepared to proceed with sentencing?
Aziz’s two lawyers look extremely shell-shocked by all of this. They turn towards each other and begin frantically whispering.
AZIZ
Just give it to me, your honor. My career is basically over now anyway.
JUDGE
Are you sure about this Mr. Ansari? You can consult with your representation.
Aziz looks strangely unfazed by all of this.
AZIZ
Yes, I’m sure.
JUDGE
Ok then. Mr. Ansari, your admission of guilt combined with the extreme lack of remorse shown by you throughout this trial has made this a relatively easy decision to make. I sentence you to harshest possible sentence for this crime – 12 years in maximum security prison. Bailiff, please escort Mr. Ansari out of my courtroom.
AZIZ
(sarcastically towards the crowd)
Awesome. My agent’s going to love this. Straight to dvd here we come.
As the crowd loudly murmurs at this unexpected turn of events, a mild mannered middle aged man attempts to get the attention of the judge.
MIDDLE AGED MAN
Excuse me. Ma’am? Hello? This is absurd.
After waving his arms at the judge proves futile, the man nonchalantly pulls out a pistol and shoots it into the air. Everyone freezes except for a random woman who quickly draws her gun and points it at him.
MIDDLE AGED MAN
Jesus. Is this what a guy has to do to get any attention around here? This is a courtroom for heaven’s sake.
RANDOM WOMAN
Mmmhmm. It would be a straight white guy waving a gun around and starving for attention.
MIDDLE AGED MAN
What does my race and gender have to do with anything?
RANDOM WOMAN
There you go again with your white male privilege. Unfortunately for some of us, race and gender are related to everything.
MIDDLE AGED MAN
You see that’s the problem with you people. You always want to --
RANDOM WOMAN
Now what do you mean by “you people”?
MIDDLE AGED MAN
Really? You’re going to try to imply that I’m racist because we disagree? Come on. I’m not even going to dignify that with a response. I’m not going to stoop that level of --
RANDOM WOMAN
I see. So you’re referring to a group that you feel is below you?
The middle aged man points the gun directly at the random woman.
MIDDLE AGED MAN
Can you just let me finish! That’s not at all what I’m trying to say!
The man takes a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself before starting again. As he does the butch looking bailiff re-enters the courtroom. She quickly pieces together what’s going on and unholsters her own gun. The middle aged man is now outmatched 2 to 1.
MIDDLE AGED MAN
All that I was trying to say before you rudely interrupted me was that people such as yourself seem to think all sexual misconduct is the same. I mean a pat on the butt clearly doesn’t deserve the same outrage as child molestation!
BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF
Hey haven’t I see you before? Aren’t you a famous actor or something.
RANDOM WOMAN
Yeah from that movie with the math and the apples.
BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF
Ethan Hawke?
RANDOM WOMAN
Sean Astin?
BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF
Ben Affleck?
RANDOM WOMAN
No that’s definitely the other guy. The dumb one.
MIDDLE AGED MAN
(Cleary frustrated)
Matt Damon damn it! My name’s Matt Damon.
BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF
Well it looks like you have a decision to make Matt and let me state the obvious just in case you’re not as good at math as in the movies. We have two guns you have one.
Matt thinks about it and then drops his gun. He is immediately tackled and handcuffed by the butch looking bailiff.
MATT DAMON
Relax, It’s not even real. I got it off set.
The bailiff begins to drag Matt out of the courtroom (to where Aziz got lead off to) when the judge interrupts.
JUDGE
Hold on a moment. Mr. Damon? Why is your name so familiar? Do you have any upcoming court cases or maybe an outstanding warrant for your arrest or something?
MATT DAMON
Probably. I’m a white male remember? But it also could be because I’m really fucking famous. Haven’t you guys ever seen any of the Bourne movies? Ocean’s 11? 12? 13?
JUDGE
(to Bailiff)
Make sure to run him in the system for anything outstanding before you hand him off to the police.
BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF
(holding up his phone)
Just did a quick google boss. He’s had quite the past. I mean take a look at some of these headlines.
The bailiff begins reading from the phone.
BUTCH LOOKING BAILIFF
Matt Damon calls for diversity in front of the camera not behind it. Matt Damon casting is another case of Hollywood whitewashing. Matt Damon tells gay actors to get back in the closet. There’s so many of these. I’m just going to go ahead and guess that he’s going to be in jail for a long, long time.
JUDGE
Well at this point in most conversations I’d say it was nice to meet you Mr. Damon but it honestly wasn’t. Get him out of here.
The bailiff leads Matt Damon away and as he does he locks eyes with a large bearded man in the crowd. A closer look reveals the man is Ben Affleck. The two share a tender goodbye moment as Dido’s “Thank You” plays and Matt Damon is taken away.
