Hey, I definitely love what you’ve done with this so far but I had a few suggestions for you to consider:
Is it possible to make him at least a little more likeable? I get that he’s meant to be the lead villain but he just seems almost laughably evil. Such an important character should really have a much stronger character arc.
On the War Parts:
The good news is that I absolutely love the potential for further sequels with the whole “WW1, WW2, WW3” framing! However, the goriness of some of these scenes really puts us at risk of losing our PG-13 rating. Is there anyway to show the viewers the atrocities of war without actually showing them the atrocities of war?
On Nelson Mandela:
I found this whole subplot to be a bit too unrealistic, melodramatic and “on the nose”. One note characters like this don’t exist in real life and him becoming president immediately seems like a bit of a stretch. Perhaps we can cut out the superfluous bit with him in jail..
On the Clinton Trump Plothole:
There seem to be some obvious inconsistencies in this universe. For example, earlier in the piece, President Clinton is shamed for his sexual impropriety and casualness with the truth while President Trump seems to be viewed positively for similar but far worse behaviour. Please address this plot hole.
On the Ending:
We are generally fans of happy endings here at the studio which is why were so troubled by the dark and ominous ending. Are there any changes we could make to address this? It doesn’t even have to be major – maybe there’s a way to put a positive spin on the whole nuclear fallout scene.
Once again, this is an excellent start but please let me know when you can have a second draft ready with the above changes.
– Big Shot Fancy Pants Studio Exec