I don’t think I’m ever going to be as as mature as my parents. In fact, I know I’m not because I’ve already begun planning pranks for when I’m their age. 30 years from now, when we’re all in self driving cars and stuff, I’m going to start telling young people that The Fast & The Furious was a documentary series.

Son, this is really just how we all drove. Dinging your bumper as you drift through a crowd to avoid a drone strike? No biggie, it happens to the best of us. Accidentally taking the wrong shortcut from one building to another in Dubai? That’s exactly what insurance is for.

I really think it could work because by then I’ll just be some innocent looking old guy with absolutely no reason whatsoever to lie about it. And that’s what makes it brilliant. But let’s say someone pushes back and seems skeptical. I have one fact that will instantly give me credibility. I’m going to ask them to look up how Paul Walker died. ¹

I think the only thing that could potentially ruin this prank is that there’s a real possibility that the series is still around and popular 30 years from now. I can see the promos already:

Coming August 2047: The 20th instalment of the world’s greatest film series, Fast and FuryXX. Starring Taylor Lautner as Vin Diesel’s ethnically ambiguous son in a literal space race for the ages.

I’m making fun of it like I wouldn’t go see it but I’d definitely go see it. They’ll probably be blowing up entire planets by then and who doesn’t want to see that?

So I met a white the white Tyrone. ¹ His name was Tyrone Murphy and he looked like the complete opposite of what you would imagine a Tyrone would look like..because let’s face it when you hear the name Tyrone you picture a young black guy and this guy was old and white and wrinkly as hell. This guy looked didn’t look like a Tyrone. This guy looked like the guy that calls black guys Tyrone when he doesn’t know their name.

Anyway, I sit down to talk to the guy and he informs me that the name Tyrone is actually of Irish origin. Bet you didn’t know that! At some point it started gaining popularity amongst African-Americans and in the great tradition of white flight, Irish people were like “You know what? You can have Tyrone. We’re white now. We’re just going to start naming our kids basic, regular white names.” ²

I’m at this weird stage where I’m mature enough to know that I’m not supposed to be this immature. Like I’m at the age at which my mom already had me, a human she was responsible for at all times and I at this very same age, still pretend automatic doors are magic. ¹

I joke when I’m nervous and a lot of the time it gets me in trouble. Like one time I was answering questions in a job interview, when the interviewer mentioned that I’d gotten through all the hard ones at which point I said “That’s what she said,” and she said “Get out.” 

I didn’t get that job.

Another time I was at a funeral and the widow mentioned her husband died two days before his 70th birthday and I said “69? Nice!”

The worst instance of this was one time when my dad and I were having a really serious conversation where he told me his deepest, darkest secret, which was that he felt a little guilty for leaving his family to immigrate to Canada. Then he asked me what my deepest, darkest secret was. And in hindsight I do not have one of those. But I felt like I needed to say something so I said “Dad I never told you this before but I used to pronounce the word meme, mehmay” ²

I’m thinking about starting a support group called inappropriate jokes anonymous. We could even partner with alcoholics anonymous. They’d share their heartbreaking struggles with addiction and we would try not to crack jokes.

Some Muslim friends of mine seem to get offended when I occasionally go by Mo and not Mohamed. They think that it’s because I’m embarrassed to be Muslim, which is completely untrue. I’m always very up front about my beliefs but there are a few reasons that I sometimes use the nickname. The first is that the name Mohamed is probably the most religious name in Islam, which is a lot of pressure for someone like me that’s only semi-religious. The only more ironic naming than a semi-religious Mohamed is every Latin gang-banger named Jesus. And at least a gang-banger named Jesus could lean into it.

Look esé you don’t pay me I’m going to have to have to send you to my namesake Jesus Cristo ¹

But there’s no way I can lean into mine. Just imagine a Mohamed trying to kick game without cringing. It’s impossible.

Excuse me miss, do you believe in the hereafter? Well I saw you from across the room and now you know what I’m here after.

The other reason I sometimes use Mo online is because while I’m definitely not embarrassed about where I come from, I am 100% embarrassed about the fact that I share a name with some complete douches. If you google my name – Mohamed Osman – two of the top three results are pretty horrible! The first – and this is 100% true – is a middle aged Sudanese bodybuilder. Like this dude is at least 35 years old which I think we can all agree is way too old to be posting pictures of yourself in your undies and lathered up in oil. ² The second most famous Mohamed Osman according to google is a guy who’s well known for a darker reason. This Mohamed Osman was a terrorist. And not only was he a terrorist, he was literally the worst kind of terrorist. A failed terrorist. ³ Mohamed Osman Mohamud planned on blowing up a Christmas tree lighting which is really bad for obvious reasons but also because it kind of sounds like he just ripped off Die Hard. But I guess terrorists ain’t big on originality. I feel like if he did watch Die Hard he was definitely rooting for Han:

Non-Terrorist: Hey what do you think about Die Hard?

Terrorist: Great movie very sad though.

Non-Terrorist: Oh yeah that part where he tells his wife he loves her.

Terrorist: Yes and he didn’t even get to finish the job at the end.

Non-Terrorist: Wait…are you talking about Hans?

The worst part is that now that I know what comes up when you google Mohamed Osman I can’t even get mad anymore when I get “randomly selected” at airports. Because I know the security agent thinks I could potentially be a) an escaped terrorist from prison or b) a thirty something Muslim bodybuilder, which let’s face it sounds like someone one divorce away from being a potential terrorist. So there’s a lot of baggage with my full birth name and almost no downside to occasionally using Mo. ⁴

Like most things in corporate America, slogans are bullshit. The idea that you as a business are going to try to tell me how I should perceive your company is ridiculous and antiquated. I mean does anybody actually still fall for this? I need to meet some of these people that are walking around thinking “Yeah I did just spent 40 minutes on hold, but their slogan says they put customers first….It must have just been a busy day or something.” Here’s what it would look like if some well-known business slogans were a little more accurate.

State Farm: Like a good neighbor, State Farm minds its own business.
Unlike a certain DJ would lead you to believe, there is only one key to successfully being a good neighbor – mind your own fucking business. Nosy neighbors are the worst and today’s companies just don’t seem to understand this. Since when did it become acceptable to ask for my phone number, email, address and social security number at the cash register? Earlier this year I got a letter from my car insurance provider asking if I would like to install a tracking device on my car in order to pay lower premiums. Uhhhh no? I’d rather pay the extra cash just to keep you in the dark about my occasional 3 am visits to the local 7-11.

McDonald’s: I’m loving it – for now.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there are really only two true coming of age moments in life. The first occurs when you realize Santa Claus isn’t a real person and the second is the day you realize McDonald’s isn’t real food. It turns out there is a finite amount of Big Macs your body can take before it stops trying to keep up the facade and just stops processing “McFood” completely. If you are young and lucky enough to still be living in this honeymoon period – congratulations, enjoy it while it lasts. On the other hand, if you have already had this literally gut-wrenching realization, well, enough said.

Energizer: Keeps going and going and going until you actually really need it.
We’ve all done it. Opened up our calculator to see that it has less than 10% of its battery life left. You should change those batteries you think to yourself, except you get used to that 10% warning message and eventually just kind of forget about it. A few weeks later you’re sitting in your college classroom getting ready for your final exam, when something seems off about your calculator. The warning sign now says 5%. Being the intelligent student that you are, you do the math and come to the conclusion that if you lasted few weeks on just 5% of the battery life you should be alright to finish up this exam. EXCEPT IT PROMPTLY DIES ON YOU LIKE 10 MINUTES LATER. Oh, what’s that? It’s just me that’s this irresponsible? Cool.

Nike: Just do it..or not. You’re pretty tired & you have a big day tomorrow.
I watch a lot of sports, which honestly means I watch a lot of sports ads with a little live sports peppered in between. I don’t get sports ads. I guess they are supposed to make us believe that if we purchase the gear we might just be able to play like pros? When I watch sports ads my thought process is typically more along the lines of “Wow. Look at Dwyane Wade’s calves. My calves are never going to be that big”. Clearly they are working though, because we all know the one guy that wears the entire latest Jordan brand collection out on the court at once but is somehow still the worst player there. Spike Lee lied to you bro, it turns out it’s not the shoes.

UPS: What can Brown mess up for you?
So you buy this gift right? It’s the perfect gift, super thoughtful yet super practical and somehow still within your budget. But then you see the expected delivery date – 4 to 7 business days. Once again, you do the math and as long as this gift is here within 6 business days you’ll be fine. The gift arrives on the 7th day. Yes I’m painfully aware that this is once again 100% my fault. I’m petty, deal with it.

Las Vegas: What happens in Vegas leads to a really awkward conversation several weeks later.
I was hesitant about even touching this one since it is part of what could arguably be the greatest marketing campaign of all time. People really do think that they can get away with things that would never be socially acceptable elsewhere just because they’re in Vegas. What this slogan conveniently fails to mention is that we now live in the smartphone era, which means nothing “stays” anywhere.

Subway: Eat “fresh”
Listen Subway, I don’t know who you think you’re fooling with this stuff but please stop it. There is nothing fresh about fake meat that has been sitting in it’s own fake meat juices for hours on end. It’s not that I’m against what you’re trying to do, I practically lived on Subway during my college years, but even then I pretty much knew that the entire Subway customer base consists of people who are too cheap to buy real food but also too self conscious to get another burger. It may be subtle, but it’s about time that your slogan reflected this.

You know who the worst people in the world are?

*Senses reader tightening up*

That was my fault. That definitely sounded like the start of an ugly rant. Like the most probable next sentence was going to be:

The Jews – Now let me tell you why!The Muslims – Don’t you agree?The Blacks – Can’t they just get it together already!

This isn’t that at all. At least I hope so.

The worst people in the world are people who say they have no regrets. Like at all. In life.

That’s batshit crazy!

If you have no regrets that means either you’ve never eaten McDonald’s or you eat McDonald’s so regularly that your body can now process plastic. Either way you have something to regret.

There’s no way any sane person thinks “You know what, I did it, I’ve just been killing it my entire life, I made the right decision every time and now I’m a security guard..That’s just god’s plan for me. This is it.” If you have no regrets and you spend your day guarding more successful peoples stuff, what does that really say about you?

I think what people mean when they say the don’t have regrets is that they’re grateful. That they understand how fortunate they are in the overall grand scheme of things. But you can be both. Like one time I went on a date with this girl that was clearly an egomaniacal asshole but also clearly way out my league good-looking. I regretted it but I was still grateful that she gave me the chance. It was a nice self esteem boost and sometimes you just need that.

Sometimes I do this weird thing where I daydream what it’s like to be white. Because while I’m sure it’s not as cool as I imagine in my head, it does have to be pretty awesome. That’s the only explanation for a lot of super white hobbies. Take camping for example. This is what the basic idea of camping sounds like to most non-white people:

What if your life was so perfect that you spent a couple weekends a year pretending to be dirt poor, just for fun?

Skydiving is yet another white people hobby we generally don’t get the thought process behind:

My life is too safe. Let’s jump out of a plane strapped to a stoned hippy for the lulz

But the ultimate white privilege hobby is definitely serial killing. Do you know how confident you have to be that you’re not going to get pulled over to commit multiple murders? I get nervous driving with weed in the car so a dead body is kind of a no-no for me.

Writing jokes is generally pretty fun but there is one thing about it that is heartbreaking. Comedy is the only activity where someone can beat you by complete accident. The other day my friend showed me a video of a sneezing baby that was way funnier than every single joke I’ve ever told combined. This baby was like a young Eddie Murphy. In fact if this baby had any other material he could probably go on tour. That’s how funny this baby’s reaction to sneezing was.

At first even I had to grudgingly admit that the baby had skills. He knew how to work his audience. But then we watched it a couple more times and at this point my friend is literally crying tears of laughter. I on the other hand, was crying internally. Because it was at this point that I had the most insecure thought in history. I actually thought to myself

Oh my god my friend thinks this baby is funnier than me..

In any other domain that just doesn’t happen. Imagine if you were an athlete in a really tough sport, let’s say male gymnastics. ¹ And let’s say you spend your whole life training to make it to the Olympics and do. And let’s say you come in second place and look over to see who the judges scored better than you and in first place was…a sneezing baby. You’d be pissed! Well know you know exactly how I feel about babies. I’m very anti-baby. ²