Socks and Adulting

Sometimes I feel like I missed a few mandatory classes on how to be an adult. Basic stuff like this is how you do taxes or this is how you make food that doesn’t come out of a box or this is how you put socks on like an adult. At this point I’m sure most of you are thinking “Come on Mo. There’s no adult or child way to put socks on.” And this is where I prove you wrong.

This is how a normal functioning adult puts sock on.

This is how I put socks on up until a few days ago.

It’s clearly the less efficient and less grown up way to put socks on.

I actually had a bit of a meltdown the day I figured this whole sock thing out because if I’m still putting socks on like a child with over two decades of practice then I am not on pace to survive. Am I ever going to understand fixed and variable rate mortgages? No, I’m gonna be homeless.

Racist Compliment

So I got a compliment recently that turned out to be racist? This girl goes:

– You’re really friendly … (a bit of compliment)..

– Not intimidating at all … (a bit wierd and repetitive)

– Not like most black guys … (?? SUPER RACIST ??)

I didn’t know how to respond and I think she could see that on my face because then she patted me on the knee and said “that’s a good thing Mo”  just to reassure me I guess. And before you ask, yes she most definitely is. 

The annoying part is I knew what she meant. I know what I look like. I wear glasses, I have big front teeth and I kind of look like Mr. Potato Head. I look like the black guy that gets put on all the campus recruitment material. To a lot of people I’m basically diet black – close enough but way less threatening to your health. Diverse but not too diverse.

So anyways, I’m thinking about how to respond to this racist compliment right and part of me wanted to say something really funny and smart. Something like:

Thanks, that was only a little bit racist – just like a lot of white people!

But that’s not what I said. I said part of that. What I actually said was:


That’s it..that’s all I said. Because it didn’t fully click until a few sentences later and at that point it was waaay too late. So I did the next best thing instead. I unfollowed her on Twitter. Really got back at her. She’ll see that she’s under 400 followers and then she’ll definitely put it all together.

The Rap Guide to Shelf Help

It’s not at all an exaggeration to say that there was a period of time in my adolescence where rappers had a bigger influence on my life than my own parents. It sounds crazy to me looking back at it now but there’s no doubt that for a three to four year stretch this was certainly the case. In fact, if I had to list my biggest influences from the age of 12-15 the list would probably look something like this:

  1. Kobe Bryant 1
  2. 50 Cent
  3. Young Jeezy
  4. Nelly
  5. Jay Z 2
  6. Any Film with potential Jessica Alba nudity
  7. My Parents

Like many people my age, I grew up on hip hop. Not listening to hip hop, but on hip hop. I like to think of rap music as the drug I was on that made all of my decisions as a middle school child in the mid 2000’s make sense. Like the time I decided to take dating advice from a man who once dropped the legendary line “I love you like a fat kid loves cake.” Or how for several years, I sincerely believed that I was a size XXL – even though I barely weighed 110 pounds. Thankfully for me, my mother drew the line at unnecessarily wearing a band-aid on my face.

Hip hop was more than just music to me at that age. It was a guide to life. And while in retrospect most of the decisions I made during this “heavily rap influenced” era of my life were as poor as my fashion choices, there were some positive life lessons that I ended up taking away from this period. Here’s what it would look like if some of my favourite rappers wrote self help books:

Kanye West – The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self-Confidence

If this whole etymology thing works the way it’s supposed to, 200 years from now the word confident will have morphed into the word Kanye-fident and rightfully so. No one in the history of the world has believed in anything the way Kanye West believes in himself. There’s a thin line between confidence and arrogance, and while Kanye has definitely veered into arrogant territory at times, there is something endearing about someone who isn’t afraid to say what they truly feel all the time.

Unauthorized Excerpt:

One thing that I’ve found that works for Kanye is saying things out loud. That’s why every morning I look in the bathroom mirror and I say my mantra:

“I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things. I’m a creative genius and there’s no other way to word it. For me to say I wasn’t a genius, I would just be lying to you and to myself. When I think of competition, it’s like I try to create against the past. I think about Michelangelo and Picasso. You know, the pyramids. Because you can’t look at a glass half-full or empty if it’s overflowing.” 3

And then I brush my teeth and get dressed. Now will most of you reading be able to afford the dope ass outfit I put on? Probably not. But it really doesn’t matter because the dopest thing I’m always going to be wearing is confidence.

50 Cent – The Art of War

50 Cent is without a doubt hip hop’s most likeable bully. Over the past decade, he has had beef with nearly everyone in hip hop and has sometimes even expanded his scope to include non rappers. Remember that one time he named his dog Oprah? Or that other time he taught the world Floyd Mayweather couldn’t really read?4 In fact, rap beef has been such an integral part of 50 Cent’s career that it even has a dedicated section on his wikipedia page. And while a case can be made that his various feuds are the only thing keeping him relevant right now, it’s not as if he acted any differently during the prime of his career. As Ja Rule, Fat Joe and pretty much every other New York rapper from the early 2000’s can attest – 50 Cent was a pretty big bully back then too. As one of the first rap superstars of the internet era, 50 set the blueprint for how to use web trolling to remain relevant and personable in the public eye. So sure, he might not know what a grapefruit is, but when it comes to beef 50 cent is a god damn connoisseur.

Unauthorized Excerpt:

“Where is Ja?” It’s a question that I ask myself all too often – particularly on nights that I can’t sleep. My homies say I’m paranoid but is it really that crazy to think that he could be out there right now plotting his way to finally get his revenge against me? Shit, he could be here in this house and I wouldn’t even know it. It’s one of the downsides of living in this 23 bedroom mansion. Consider this lesson one in the art of war; war never stops even when it appears one side has won. Always be prepared.

Now excuse me, I have to go write another diss record just in case.

Snoop Dogg – The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People:

When most people get high their productivity drops. Once that THC kicks in, it’s like all of those chores suddenly don’t seem so important anymore and it really does seem like more of a television and cereal-for-dinner type of night anyway. When Snoop is high, he sells millions of albums, while starring in multiple film and television roles and amassing a net worth of over $100 million. Uncle Snoop clearly knows some things that the rest of the world doesn’t.

Unauthorized Excerpt:

So check it out nephew, this publisher gave me quite a nice check to give you fools some advice on how to better your lives. Now I have to be honest, some of y’all are lost causes. But I’m not one to focus on the player haters and perpetrators so let’s get to it. The first thing S-N-O-O-P-D-O-G-G would advise is that all of you ladies and gentlemen start worrying about your health. Now, personally, I am a fan of the seaweed diet. I call it that because the only rule to the diet is that once you see weed you have to smoke it. Some people are going to say this is unhealthy, don’t listen to them. I’ve lived by this diet for over 30 years and haven’t gotten sick once. And if weed really affects your short-term memory, then how come I always remember to smoke weed? Another important part of being healthy is exercise. People always ask me how I manage to stay so slim at my age. It’s actually really simple. Two words – crip walking.

Diddy – Think & Grow Rich

Of all the people on this list, Diddy is the closest to an actual real life self help guru. And unlike most self help gurus, Diddy’s advice actually comes with no strings attached. You don’t need to buy a book or go to an expensive seminar to get it, all you need to do is follow him on social media and watch as those life changing motivational messages slowly trickle in. Unfortunately, just like most self help gurus, the advice itself isn’t all that practical. It’s all sizzle and no steak. But Diddy is a master at selling the sizzle. There are few things as motivational as watching Diddy talk that talk. I mean just listen to this, or this, or this or any of these. It’s gotten to the point where I really don’t even expect rapping anymore when I see “featuring Diddy” on a track. I just expect another motivational speech that will make me feel like I’m just a couple steps away from becoming a billionaire. How exactly am I going to make the billion? I’m not sure, I’m still working on that part. But I’m motivated and that’s half the battle right?

Unauthorized Excerpt:

The best way to get something done is to begin. Success doesn’t make champions, challenges do… So if you want to fly, you have to give up the things that weigh you down. A real person is not perfect, and a perfect person is not real.Your mistakes should be your motivation, not your excuses. Have you been on your grind today? Or have you let the negativity consume you! Focus people! God 1st! Get money! Never stop! Let’s go!!! 5

Birdman – How to Win Friends and Influence People

Birdman is an awful rapper. He’s also happens to the fifth richest one in the world. He’s the owner of the label Cash Money Records – the home of a couple of rappers that happen to be pretty damn good. How did this come to be? Does he have super human networking skills? Was he just in the right place at the right time? Does he tell really good jokes? The world deserves to know Mr. Birdman, tell us the secret.

Unauthorized Excerpt:


  1. Nothing tops yelling out “KOBE!” and hitting a game winner in middle school. I’m pretty confident my life peaked right at that moment.
  2.  Yes I had Nelly over Jay at one point in my life. I have no explanation for it other than I was 12.
  3. These are all real things Kanye has said at one point or another.
  4.  Ironically, just like Floyd, 50 has a pretty spotless record of his own. I mean 50 Cent pretty much is the Floyd Mayweather of rap beef. Also, did 50 give Floyd the only L of his career?
  5.  Once again, real Diddy tweets.

As a Black Person

People can get so uncomfortable when you talk about race and as a black person I have to admit sometimes it’s hilarious. I take a lot of pleasure in watching people squirm to avoid talking about it. For example, one of my favorite hobbies as a black person, is seeing how many times I can use the phrase “as a black person” before it gets noticeably weird. So far my high score is 9. It was on a first date and the one where she finally called me out on it was when she asked if we should get dessert and I said “as a black person I just can’t do that”. 1

The beauty of the phrase “as a black person” is in just how passive aggressive it is, because unless the person you’re talking to is blind they already know you’re black but you’re just casually reminding them anyway. If you’re ever in a boring conversation I highly recommend you try it out. You don’t even have to be black. 2

Sometimes all it takes is one “as a black person” to make my day. If it’s well placed and in a conversation that’s just random enough. My favorite one ever was on this poor fellow who happened to ask me for directions to a restaurant.3 I gave them to him, he thanked me and then I decided to have a little fun.

“Not a problem, as a black person I wouldn’t recommend going there but it’s not a problem at all,” I responded.

The look on his face as he tried to comprehend what that meant was amazing. He didn’t even dare to ask why! What he did do though was walk off and then immediately ask someone else for directions. And I have to say, as a black person I was a little offended.


  1. I snuck off a few in that paragraph and most of you guys didn’t even notice. As a black person I’m impressed.
  2. It’s probably funnier when you’re not. Just remember to the change the word black to whatever you are, or else it won’t really work.
  3. It was a Mcdonald’s. I don’t know why I chose to write restaurant, clearly not the right word there. I also could’ve just wrote Mcdonald’s I’m pretty sure most of you have heard of it.

All You Can Eat

This is a bit of a controversial opinion so I’m just going to put it out there. I think North America’s official sport should be all you can eat buffet. First off, let’s face it, it would be more accurate at this point. We have an obesity problem so we might as well lean into it. 1 Also just think about how intimidating that would be at the Olympics. Walking out at the opening ceremony with giant spoons and forks like:

Oh your national sport is running? That’s cute. We have so much food we eat it for sport.

I actually think that all you can eat restaurants are more competitive than sports because not everyone is into sports but everyone likes taking advantage of a potential deal. It doesn’t matter if you’re 100 pounds or 400 pounds, everyone sees a buffet and thinks the exact same set of thoughts. They always starts innocent and then get super competitive:

$19.99 for as much food as I want? That’s a great deal. In fact that’s an irresponsible deal. How dare you offer me this deal? Challenge accepted. I’m gonna put you out of business.

Because no one goes to a buffet to eat a comfortable amount of food. You don’t even go to a buffet to get your moneys worth. Everyone goes to a buffet with one intention only – to do as much damage as financially possible.

We take buffets so serious in our family. I remember one time we were going to a buffet for my sister’s birthday and I forgot and made breakfast. Big mistake. My mom came down and just straight up smacked the toast out of my hand..then threw it in the trash..then came back and smacked me on the back of my head..then went back to sleep without saying a word! I deserved it, I almost broke the cardinal rule – no eating before the buffet. 2

Buffets change my dad too. Because my dad’s not all that into sports but when we’re in the car on the way to a buffet he turns into an overzealous coach. As soon as we get within eyesight of the restaurant he starts his pregame pep talk:

Now this isn’t just any restaurant were going to this is an all you can eat buffet! So I don’t want to see you drinking any water, eating any bread, in fact no carbs whatsoever! We’re here for protein and dessert only! Mo I know you like noodles but we have those at home so stick to the game plan!

The only thing that’s missing is us huddling up outside the car and yelling break. 3

Now all you can eat is not a single player sport. You’re facing off against an opponent and it’s not the owner. It’s the waiters. The second you take a sip of water you better believe that there’s going to be a waiter asking you if you’d like a refill. Or just to “top it off”. They always come out of nowhere too. I’m pretty sure teleportation has already been invented and it’s being used exclusively by all you can eat buffet waiters.

My favorite part is the post game because you would think that you would leave an all you can eat restaurant feeling better than you came in. But that’s not what happens when you eat four and a half pounds of roast beef, shrimp and cheescake. It creeps up on you slow too. First you start breathing heavy..then you start sweating for no end up leaving the buffet looking like you just ran a marathon! 4

  1. As much as people love to, you really can’t blame teens for this. At that age, road hockey just can’t compete with hot-pockets, air conditioning and naked internet girls.
  2. It wasn’t until she threw the toast in the trash that it finally all clicked like “oh yeah today’s buffet day”..because the only thing my mom hates more than us wasting food is us not taking advantage of buffet pricing.
  3. Sometimes I like to mess with him and I’ll say something like “But I hear they have really good pasta!” It makes him so mad and it works every time.
  4. You know those before and after photos in weight loss commercials? Buffet photos are like the opposite of that.

The Real C Word

I recently discovered the ultimate litmus test for determining how innocent someone truly is. I was hanging out with a younger cousin of mine  when he froze and turned to me.

“You just said the C word!”

At first I panicked because we were playing NBA 2K at the time and I can say some pretty vile stuff when it comes to Xbox, but like any responsible adult, I turned to him and just straight up denied it. 1

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.”

This went on for a while so I’ll just skip ahead and cut to the part where my cousin eventually provided a little more info.

“Yes, you just said c-r-a-p.”

A giant wave of relief washed over me. It was like finding out I didn’t have cancer or something.

“Oh crap! I thought you meant the real C word!”

In hindsight I’ll admit that probably wasn’t the best response for that particular situation. But it’s crazy because my nephew is twenty six and at that age I definitely knew what the real C word was. 2 By this point I’d really opened up Pandora’s box and now my cousin really wanted to know.

“What’s the real C word?”

As soon as the words left his lips my aunt/his mom walked into the room. And if there was ever a look that captured the all of the vulgarness of the C word it was the look that she gave me at that moment. She didn’t say anything but her eyes basically screamed “How dare you try to corrupt the mind of my innocent 13 year old child, you motherfucking cunt.” 3

The next thing she did was probably, no definitely, the single greatest bit of parenting I’ve ever seen. My little 13 year old cousin asks his Mom what the real C word is and she looks at him and without missing a beat goes

“The real C word? The real C word is..cancer.”

Amazing..I don’t know if becoming a parent just instantly makes you a better liar or something but I was really blown away. There’s no way I would have been able to come up with that. I probably would’ve tried to stall for a bit before just going “Fuck it. There comes a time where every boy becomes a man anyway…the word is cunt son.. the word is cunt.” 4

Part of me hopes his parents are able to keep him that innocent forever. Another part of me laments the fact that I missed out on a really transformative coming of age moment. Every barmitzvah should have a section where the kid learns the real C word.

  1. It’s almost an involuntary reflex at this point.
  2. Totally kidding, he’s actually thirteen but I’m pretty sure I still knew at that age. He’s also really tall for his age which makes it easy to forget how young he is.
  3. Sorry, C word  just wouldn’t capture how mad she was. As vile as it may seem at times, it’s only just a word.
  4. My thinking is if I was going to have to deal with the wrath of my aunt anyway I might as well have truly earned it. Almost like a technical foul in basketball.

Local News

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with the local news and I finally realized why.


First, they never just tell you the story. Like they won’t just say a hurricane is coming and you should probably leave. Instead they always gotta start with a snarky little intro. Something cheesy like:

A huff and a puff and he’ll blow your house down, is hurricane Harvey coming to town? Find out next..

Just completely unnecessary and over the top dramatic for no reason. It’s like every news anchor thinks that this is going to lead to their big break if they deliver the line just right.

Also, the ordering of the stories makes no sense. For example, on one show the first story was about a hurricane, a major national news story, which completely makes sense to lead with. The second story was about a dog rescuing a child from drowning which would lead you to believe it was a slow news day but then came the third story. The third story was about a double murder! Now I know PETA has made major strides but when did smart dogs become more important than unsolved murders? That means there was a news producer that actually thought:

You know what, two murders just isn’t sexy enough, they might change the channel. We should move the dog story up.


  1. Weird interviewees are the best
  2. Watching office drama break out on live tv is mesmerizing
  3. Actually knowing what’s going on locally

Vegan Chicken Omelette

I’m pretty sure one of my friends has the world’s dumbest twitter bio, and in true Twitter form she’s managed to do it in only four words. Her Twitter bio says:

Vegan 1 and animal lover

It’s redundant right? I don’t know about you but I’ve never met anyone who’s vegan for the flavor benefits. I highly doubt that there’s even one vegan out there that thought “Fuck the animals, I just really love broccoli. It’s delicious.” That’s never happened.

Veganism is fascinating to me because vegans choose and often pay a lot of money to avoid meat products because it goes against their beliefs and my beliefs are the complete opposite of that. I believe that there’s no amount of money equivalent to a good piece of chicken. Somebody could literally offer me a billion dollars to go vegan and I honestly think I’d say no. 2 Chicken is just that important to my happiness right now. 3

One of my favorite meals is the chicken omelette. The chicken omelette has to be the most aggressive way one species can just completely dominate another species. A chicken omelette starts with a chicken abortion (of a completely innocent baby chicken) and then continues with the murder of it’s presumably grieving chicken mother, chopping her up, and then combining their dead remains to create a delicious hearty breakfast. That’s messed up. Maybe vegans really do have a point after all.

  1. One word in and not a great start
  2. Don’t get me wrong, I’d definitely sleep on it because that’s a major hypothetical life decision but ultimately, I just don’t think that’s enough to compensate for a sad chicken free life.
  3. I will refuse to let black stereotypes take the joy of eating chicken away from me until I die. Rosa parks drew the line at a bus seat, I’m drawing the line at Popeye’s.

Ugly Babies and the Parent License

You ever see someone so ugly you wish their face came with a little warning? Something like:

Warning: The following face may not be suitable for all audiences

My friend just had a kid and his baby has one of those faces. Look, while I’m certainly not mean enough to straight up call an infant ugly, I am honest enough to say baby Tamara isn’t cute. Which is saying a lot for a baby. That’s pretty much the only thing you expect from a baby and Tamara just isn’t holding up her end of that deal right now.

Of course it’s not her fault, it’s her dad’s fault in two ways. First, he literally made her and when the meal is messed up you you don’t get mad at the food you blame the cook, you know what I mean? Second, he really should have warned me before I witnessed the traumatic experience that was his daughters face. That was probably too far. Hopefully she’ll grow into it. 1

The first time my friend told me about Tamara was a little over 9 months ago. 2 I remember having two distinct thoughts upon hearing the news. The first was “Congratulations I’m so happy for you,” which is the thought your supposed to have. My friend really wanted a kid and this wasn’t one of those oh shit I guess we gotta just roll with it and pretend we’re happy situations. The second one was the more honest one which was “It’s kind of crazy that we let just anyone have a baby!” 3

Luckily for me, I didn’t say that thought out loud.

It’s kind of insane that there are no rules around who can or can’t have a kid. Think about it this way, you need to pass three separate tests to ride a moped but when you have a kid it’s literally just

“Here you go. I hope you don’t mess him up too bad!”

That’s crazy! Let’s be real, a bad moped driver is mostly just a danger to himself and the people around them. Eventually natural selection kind of just sorts that shit out. You know who a bad parent is a danger to? The entire planetary population. You think Hitler couldn’t have used a slightly more loving dad? A bad parent can do way more damage than a bad moped driver.

Child protective services isn’t enough, you should definitely need some sort of license before even having a kid. I was on a bus one night at around one am with this guy and his toddler. Now look, do I absolutely know that he was a bad father from our 10 minute bus ride? No. But I do know that:

a) He was on public transportation at one am with a toddler.

b) He had a tattoo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on his neck. All four, from Donatello below his right ear all the way across to Michaelangelo below his left ear. It was like a hoodrat Mount Rushmore. 4

Now I’m pretty sure that if this guy showed up to his local adoption agency with his TMNT tattoo it would have went something like this.




Look I know I don’t have car or a job but I have a good heart and I really want to adopt a kid. Can I?

The CASE WORKER begins to laugh hysterically.


Yet somehow just because the kid squirted out of his dick (or his significant other if we’re being anatomically accurate) we need to wait and see how everything turns out. It’s a huge double standard. A neck tattoo is just a few inches a way from face tattoo and I think that we can all agree that anyone with a face tattoo probably shouldn’t be raising children. 5

  1. Hopefully for us mostly. Also her dad was kind of a ruthless player back in the day and neither of her parents is particularly bad looking so karma might just be a real thing.
  2. Because that’s how biology works for all you virgins out there. *Points vaguely in the direction of a nervous looking teen*
  3. Really tells you all you need to know about my faith in friend’s parenting abilities.
  4. Honestly, if he wasn’t holding a toddler in his lap I would have been really impressed. That’s how good the tattoo was.
  5. I say probably only because who’s really going to tell Mike Tyson he’s not father material. You gotta prepare for the exceptions.

Racism Connoisseur

At times being black and Muslim feels a little like winning the lottery twice, except instead of getting money you get racism, which is way less fun. It’s not all bad though. One of the benefits of being both is that you get really good at distinguishing between different types of racism. You become almost a racism connoisseur.. And like any good connoisseur you get to know your likes, dislikes, your flavor preferences and just generally end up with a more refined racism palette.

For example, my least favorite type of racism is one you might not expect. My least favorite type of racism is the assumption that all black guys are extremely well endowed. Not because it’s not true ladies but because like anything in life, it’s all about managing expectations. If I were (hypothetically) slightly above average as a member of any another race it would be totally cool. But just because I’m black all of a sudden it’s a disappointment? That’s just unfair. It’s textbook racism and I won’t stand for it. 1

My favorite type of racism is what I like to call public transportation racism. Public transportation racism is when all the seats are taken except for the seat next to you and there’s a standing middle aged lady standing who looks way too scared to sit down. I always feel conflicted when this happens because on the one hand it’s definitely hurtful but I also really enjoy my personal space. The joke’s on you lady – you just did me a huge favor. Thanks for the racism. It’s never someone you want to sit next to you. It’s always the lady that’s kind of talking to herself, with the huge jacket and the nail clippers which she definitely planned on using.2 The point is racism isn’t always bad. Sometimes, racism works out for all parties involved.

  1. I mean I’ll probably still get it up but that’s besides the point
  2. The thing that annoys me about people who cut their nails on the subway, beyond the fact that what their doing is disgusting, is that I guess their doing it to save time? But it’s never someone who looks super busy. It’s never a guy in a suit with a Bluetooth earpiece cutting his nails. It’s always some retired lady who’s just reached that old age where she doesn’t care anymore. That age where you stand up to give an impromptu speech and everyone gets really nervous.