INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE EXAM ROOM – DAY
A nervous young woman sits on the examination table. She eyes the posters and pamphlets within the pristine room – each one more intimidating than the last. The door opens just as she is about to begin scrolling through her phone.
DOCTOR HARRIS
Hi Michelle! How are you this fine morning?
MICHELLE
I guess it really depends on the test results right? I’ve been doing a little self diagnosing recently and according to WebMD I might have brain cancer?
Doctor Harris laughs a little too loudly and sits down across from her. He’s middle aged and British which gives everything he says an air of authority.
DOCTOR HARRIS
You probably have nothing to worry about but it never hurts to be cautious. Let’s take a look.
Doctor Harris opens up a manila folder and begins reading Michelle’s test results. Michelle simultaneously attempts to read the doctor’s facial expressions.
DOCTOR HARRIS
Hmmm..
Michelle’s face drops. Doctor Harris flips the page and his brows immediately furrow.
DOCTOR HARRIS
Well that’s not great.
Michelle’s eyes widen. Doctor Harris flips the page once again and looks even more concerned.
DOCTOR HARRIS
(to himself)
Never would have guessed it.
MICHELLE
Is everything alright? You’re kinda scaring me doc.
Doctor Harris looks confused – almost as if he forgot Michelle was right there. He then immediately snaps back into “super professional” mode.
DOCTOR HARRIS
According to the test results, you have writer.
MICHELLE
I’m sorry did you say writer?
DOCTOR HARRIS
Yes, are you familiar with the condition?
MICHELLE
No. What is it?
DOCTOR HARRIS
It’s a neurological disorder that results in unusual psychotic tendencies.
MICHELLE
Like what?
DOCTOR HARRIS
Well it’s technically quite complex and like most neurological disorders it’s really ultimately caused by a slight chemical imbalance but let me see if I can explain it simply.
Doctor Harris thinks for a moment.
DOCTOR HARRIS
You know those weird thoughts that everyone has? Like, if a turtle were to lose its shell would it be naked or would it be homeless? Or where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? Or why is abbreviated such a long word? Well normal people have those thoughts and then think that’s a weird thought I probably shouldn’t think of that and keep living their lives. People with writer don’t do that. People with writer obsess about those thoughts and keep thinking about them for way too long. It’s like..unhealthy dysfunctional daydreaming.
MICHELLE
Sounds serious. How worried should I be?
DOCTOR HARRIS
It can get pretty bad so I won’t sugarcoat it but some have been able to live relatively normal and successful lives despite it. Mild cases are a lot more common than you might think.
MICHELLE
How bad do I have it?
DOCTOR HARRIS
Well according to your test results you have a rather severe case. But I’ll have to ask you some questions to really verify the diagnosis. I do have to warn you though. Some of these questions may be a bit...personal.
MICHELLE
Not a problem. Go ahead.
Doctor Harris flips to another sheet in his folder and pulls out a pen. After each question and answer he takes notes.
DOCTOR HARRIS
Did you read a lot as a child?
MICHELLE
Yes.
DOCTOR HARRIS
Do you often spend time endlessly re-wording text messages and emails until they sound just right?
MICHELLE
Yes.
DOCTOR HARRIS
Have you ever thought less of someone due to their poor spelling?
MICHELLE
(Hesitant)
Yes.
DOCTOR HARRIS
Would you consider yourself popular in highschool?
MICHELLE
Yes. Wait....No.
DOCTOR HARRIS
I’ll let you in on a little secret. That last one is a trick question. People with writer are almost never popular in highschool.
MICHELLE
So do I officially have it?
DOCTOR HARRIS
Yes, one of the worst cases I’ve probably seen. It’s a shame really. Any decent doctor should have caught this by now.
MICHELLE
But you’ve been my doctor since forever.
DOCTOR HARRIS
Really? Have you still been coming in for your annual checkups?
MICHELLE
Every year! You always do that thing where you joke about how I’m now officially too tall for a lollipop but you still end up giving me one anyway...You don’t remember?
DOCTOR HARRIS
Well that’s embarrassing.
MICHELLE
Is writer curable?
DOCTOR HARRIS
Unfortunately not.
There is an awkward silence as they both stew on this.
MICHELLE
So what am I supposed to do?
DOCTOR HARRIS
Sorry, I probably should have lead with that.
Doctor Harris hands Michelle several pamphlets. One of the them is for a medication with a ridiculously long and graphically detailed list of side effects.
DOCTOR HARRIS
These will tell you everything you need to know about writer as well as your current treatment options. I’m also going to refer you to a specialist who can get you started with therapy and begin prescribing medication. Do you have any other specific questions?
MICHELLE
I don’t think so. This is just a lot to take in.
DOCTOR HARRIS
Well you can always meet with me or the specialist if you think of any. I highly recommend some of those online support groups listed. Some of my patients really swear by one. I think it’s called Medium.com? I’ll go get the specialists information for you.
Doctor Harris begins to head towards the door.
MICHELLE
Hey Doc? This might be a stupid question--
DOCTOR HARRIS
There’s no such thing as a stupid question Michelle.
MICHELLE
This writer thing. It’s not in anyway related to writing is it?
Once again Doctor Harris laughs a little too loudly. It’s demeaning.
DOCTOR HARRIS
As in the physical act of putting thoughts into words on a page?
MICHELLE
Yeah.
DOCTOR HARRIS
Nope. Completely unrelated.