Ramadan Press Conference

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE – DAY

DR. MOHAMED ABDULLAHI stands at a podium in front of a crowd of reporters.

DR. MOHAMED

Once again, I’d like to thank you all for listening so attentively to our Ramadan press conference. In addition to our website which has been updated, the press packet you’ve all received contains some additional basic facts and FAQs about the month. I’m sure some of you are eager to ask questions however, so I’m happy to open up the floor.

Dr. Mohamed points to a reporter on his right.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

Nancy Jeffries, CNN. When you say refrain from food and drink, what type of beverages are we talking about? Is it just a month off from alcohol or is it all beverages? Where do you draw the line?

DR. MOHAMED

Well actually, Muslims are completely forbidden from drinking alcohol year round so that’s not too much of a change. However, Ramadan fasting does apply to all other food and beverages.

NANCY JEFFRIES

Even water?

DR. MOHAMED

Yes, even water. Next question?

Dr. Mohamed points to his left.

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

Becky Sanderson, Us Weekly. Sorry, she just asked my question. I was going to ask about water.

There is an awkward pause as we all question why it took Becky so long to put down her hand.

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

Ethan Miller, Fox News. What is your response to those who’ve been saying fasting is un-American?

DR. MOHAMED

Who’s been saying that?

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

(clearly lying)

People.

DR. MOHAMED

Did these people happen to mention why it would be un-American?

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

Everyone knows that America’s all about freedom and choosing to restrict yourself so severely just seems kind of...un-American.

DR. MOHAMED

I’m not sure I would 100% agree with that first statement but as far as I’m aware American freedom includes religious freedom and the ability to choose your own beliefs and rituals. Think about it this way, people choose to diet all the time – is dieting un-American? Next question.

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

Becky Sanderson, Us Weekly. How do you guys not die?

DR. MOHAMED

I’m sorry?

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

Well I would think that 30 days without food or water would result in, you known – death?

DR. MOHAMED

We break our fasts every night. I guess we’ll have to add that to next year’s press packet.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

Do Muslim’s brush their teeth during Ramadan? Does that count as breaking your fast?

DR. MOHAMED

Nope, since toothpaste isn’t a food that is ingested it would be fine.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

What about gum? Sometimes I swallow my gum by accident, would that be fine?

DR. MOHAMED

Yes, since you didn’t intend to eat the gum that would also be fine.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

I read somewhere that we eat eight spiders a year in our sleep. What does Islam have to say about this? Say I was dreaming about food, would that count as intent?

DR. MOHAMED

I’m not sure. I’ll have to reach out to some scholars and get back to you on that one.

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

Can you comment on a recent study that indicates that Ramadan hunger related anger is fuelling terrorism?

DR. MOHAMED

I haven’t heard of that study can you tell me more about it?

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

I think that we can all agree that most Muslims are pretty angry and I know I get angry when I’m hungry so maybe the two are related?

DR. MOHAMED

Once again, not sure that I’d agree with that first part. And without concrete proof, connecting those two claims just seems a little outrageous to me but I’ll have to look through that report before I can comment. Can you send it to me?

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

Sure..It’s been quite a while since I’ve read it so I’ll have to see if I can find it.

Dr. Mohamed nods and points to another reporter.

DR. MOHAMED

Yes, Becky?

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

Becky Sanderson, Us Weekly. Can you tell me a little more about the benefits of the Ramadan diet?

DR. MOHAMED

I wouldn’t exactly call it a diet but yeah I guess there could potentially be health benefits. I’m not a medical doctor though so I can’t really comment on that.

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

But your name’s Dr. Mohamed? And I’m pretty sure I heard you referring to it as a diet earlier in this press conference.

DR. MOHAMED

(exasperated)

I have my doctorate in Islamic Theology and I was just using dieting as a somewhat analogous choice earlier, sorry for the confusion.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

My neighbour who’s a Muslim once told me that it’s extremely offensive in his culture to turn down a gift or invitation. If I invite him over for dinner in Ramadan what would he have to do? Say yes or say no?

DR. MOHAMED

I don’t want to speak for your neighbour but I think most Muslims would say no. Ethan, you get the last question.

Nancy pumps her fist in joy. She clearly doesn’t like her neighbour.

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

How do you think Ramadan fasting affected Barack Obama’s effectiveness as President?

DR. MOHAMED

Come on Ethan, you really think you would fool me with that one? But for the record, Obama’s not a muslim.

For some reason Dr. Mohamed winks slowly as he answers that last question. As the press conference wraps up and all the journalists begin leaving the room we close on Ethan from Fox news. He’s clearly frustrated and a look at his notepad reveals several potential outrageous headlines that have been crossed out. He then smiles and writes out a new one “Potentially fake Muslim doctor questions America’s freedom and refuses to respond to Ramadan rumours. Terrorist? We’ll let you decide.

 

Think Piece Telethon

INT. VARIOUS BEDROOM OFFICES – DAY – MONTAGE

Sappy Sarah McLachlan music plays as we see a series of young nerdy looking writers neglecting their pets. We know they’re writers because they all wear glasses and we know this montage is important because it’s in slow motion.

-One writer plays a half assed game of fetch with her dog as she sits and stares at her computer

-Another writer lays on a couch with his laptop on his chest. He gets annoyed when his dog comes and sits on him

-A third writer is so enthralled as they type away that they barely notice their dog as it brings over its leash

-Finally, each of the writers from above takes off their glasses in frustration. They each carry their dog out of the room and close the door. The dogs look heartbroken.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Another sad looking dog lays on a couch. We close in on him when suddenly HE BEGINS TO TALK!

DUKE

Hey there, my name’s Duke. Did you know that every year thousands of writers neglect their dogs to write terrible think pieces? The first time it happened to me was when my owner suddenly thought that the world needed a 9,000 word exploration of the anti-capitalist undertones in SpongeBob SquarePants.

INT. BEDROOM OFFICE – DAY [FLASHBACK]

Duke’s owner finishes typing at his desk. He is clearly satisfied with whatever he has written and walks away. As soon as he does Duke jumps into the empty office chair and begins to read.

DUKE (V.O.)

Now I may not be the most sophisticated reader but even I can recognize when a writer is clearly reaching just to be controversial. This truly is the clickbait generation.

EXT. DOG PARK – DAY [FLASHBACK]

Duke’s owner stares off into space, clearly thinking up another terrible piece of writing. Duke is busy sniffing various dog butts.

DUKE (V.O.)

After speaking to some of my friends I realized the problem was much more widespread than I initially thought. I even heard something from my buddy, Buddy, that was truly spine-chilling – some people are now writing terrible think pieces in response to other terrible think pieces!

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Duke now sits up on the couch.

DUKE

It’s time to finally take a stand against terrible think pieces. So please do us all a favour and join our official pledge to stop reading them. Better yet, the next time you see a terrible think piece from someone that you know, call them up and tell them to stop. With your support, we can end this.

Millennial Film Reviews

🔥🔥🔥 film criticism in 140 characters or less

CLUMSY CAREER WOMAN FINALLY FINDS A MAN
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Starring: Quirky chick, architect
This is a fantastic fucking film. Sure the characters, dialogue and plot are all paper thin but it’s amazing Netflix and chill material. You see what I did there? Fantastic fucking film? Where do I go to pick up my Pulitzer?
Rating: 🍆🍆

PEOPLE IN CAPES BLOW STUFF UP REPEATEDLY
Genre: Action
Starring: Everyone & their mama
It was good I guess. Just all a bit much. Speaking of which, did you know that 3D films now cost $18? MAN YOU KNOW I GOT STUDENT LOANS AND SHIT.
Rating: 😡😡😡

THIS HAPPENED DURING WWII SO IT’S DEFFO IMPORTANT
Genre: Drama
Starring: Meryl Streep
Way too long. People are putting out life changing content in 7 seconds online but you need three and a half hours to tell me about a couple of wartime scammers? And people say our generation is entitled…
Rating: 💩💩💩💩

DISNEY CHARACTERS GIVE YOU ALL THE FEELS
Genre: Adventure
Starring: Extreme vocal fry, token black voice
I laughed, I cried, I reminisced. 90s nostalgia is a hell of a drug.
Rating: 💫💫💫💫💫

UNDERACHIEVING MAN CHILD GOOFS OFF
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow stand-in, various other white dudes
All the funny bits are in the trailer. In fact, the only funny bit left out is when he comedically show his….never mind I just realized there’s a red band trailer.
Rating: 😑😑

EVEN MORE DEFINITIVE PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS FUCKED
Genre: Documentary
Starring: Academics trying to be cool, Morgan Freeman voiceover
Yo old people, we get it. You screwed us over – quit bragging about it.
Rating: 😩

If Arguing Was a Sport

If arguing was a sport, we would still need separate leagues for men and women but it would be because women would destroy men. The men’s league would be way less impressive and less entertaining. It would be like the opposite of the NBA/WNBA. As someone that grew up with two sisters, I can say without hesitation that this is not a sexist generalization. It’s a fact.

If arguing was a sport, ESPN would be really, really weird to watch. For example, First Take would essentially be a show where two people pretend to argue about real arguments and the Sportscenter Highlight of the Night could potentially be someone yelling out “Yeah, that’s what I thought you bitch-ass motherfucker” to emphatically finish off their point.

If arguing was a sport, it would be more brutal than all other sports. There would be no breaks or timeouts ever and unlike the UFC where you can win by decision, arguments can only end in submission or knockout.

Phrases indicating submission:

– Do we really need to continue to argue about this?

– Let’s not fight like this. This is stupid.

– You know it really doesn’t even matter who is right.

Phrases indicating knockout:

– Not necessary. Like a physical knockout, you’ll recognize one when you see it.

If arguing was a sport, Rasheed Wallace would definitely make at least one hall of fame and Kevin Garnett would probably be a two sport star. Also, instead of the terrible Michael Jordan baseball experiment we would have the less terrible Michael Jordan arguing experiment.

If arguing was a sport, rather than testing for testosterone enhancing steroids, officials would test for menstrual enhancing steroids. This one definitely is an inappropriate sexist generalization but there’s also something kind of funny about an athlete being stripped of a medal due to testing positive for enhanced menses.

If arguing was a sport, amateur youth arguing would begin to overtake amateur youth football in popularity across America. Children would no longer be at risk of irreversible brain trauma, only irreversible emotional trauma, which feels like a step in the right direction?

Ugly Babies and the Parent License

You ever see someone so ugly you wish their face came with a little warning? Something like:

Warning: The following face may not be suitable for all audiences

My friend just had a kid and his baby has one of those faces. Look, while I’m certainly not mean enough to straight up call an infant ugly, I am honest enough to say baby Tamara isn’t cute. Which is saying a lot for a baby. That’s pretty much the only thing you expect from a baby and Tamara just isn’t holding up her end of that deal right now.

Of course it’s not her fault, it’s her dad’s fault in two ways. First, he literally made her and when the meal is messed up you you don’t get mad at the food you blame the cook, you know what I mean? Second, he really should have warned me before I witnessed the traumatic experience that was his daughters face. That was probably too far. Hopefully she’ll grow into it. 1

The first time my friend told me about Tamara was a little over 9 months ago. 2 I remember having two distinct thoughts upon hearing the news. The first was “Congratulations I’m so happy for you,” which is the thought your supposed to have. My friend really wanted a kid and this wasn’t one of those oh shit I guess we gotta just roll with it and pretend we’re happy situations. The second one was the more honest one which was “It’s kind of crazy that we let just anyone have a baby!” 3

Luckily for me, I didn’t say that thought out loud.

It’s kind of insane that there are no rules around who can or can’t have a kid. Think about it this way, you need to pass three separate tests to ride a moped but when you have a kid it’s literally just

“Here you go. I hope you don’t mess him up too bad!”

That’s crazy! Let’s be real, a bad moped driver is mostly just a danger to himself and the people around them. Eventually natural selection kind of just sorts that shit out. You know who a bad parent is a danger to? The entire planetary population. You think Hitler couldn’t have used a slightly more loving dad? A bad parent can do way more damage than a bad moped driver.

Child protective services isn’t enough, you should definitely need some sort of license before even having a kid. I was on a bus one night at around one am with this guy and his toddler. Now look, do I absolutely know that he was a bad father from our 10 minute bus ride? No. But I do know that:

a) He was on public transportation at one am with a toddler.

b) He had a tattoo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on his neck. All four, from Donatello below his right ear all the way across to Michaelangelo below his left ear. It was like a hoodrat Mount Rushmore. 4

Now I’m pretty sure that if this guy showed up to his local adoption agency with his TMNT tattoo it would have went something like this.

INT. ADOPTION AGENCY – DAY

TMNT GUY sits across a desk from a STERN LOOKING ADOPTION CASE WORKER.

TMNT GUY

Look I know I don’t have car or a job but I have a good heart and I really want to adopt a kid. Can I?

The CASE WORKER begins to laugh hysterically.

 

Yet somehow just because the kid squirted out of his dick (or his significant other if we’re being anatomically accurate) we need to wait and see how everything turns out. It’s a huge double standard. A neck tattoo is just a few inches a way from face tattoo and I think that we can all agree that anyone with a face tattoo probably shouldn’t be raising children. 5

  1. Hopefully for us mostly. Also her dad was kind of a ruthless player back in the day and neither of her parents is particularly bad looking so karma might just be a real thing.
  2. Because that’s how biology works for all you virgins out there. *Points vaguely in the direction of a nervous looking teen*
  3. Really tells you all you need to know about my faith in friend’s parenting abilities.
  4. Honestly, if he wasn’t holding a toddler in his lap I would have been really impressed. That’s how good the tattoo was.
  5. I say probably only because who’s really going to tell Mike Tyson he’s not father material. You gotta prepare for the exceptions.

Racism Connoisseur

At times being black and Muslim feels a little like winning the lottery twice, except instead of getting money you get racism, which is way less fun. It’s not all bad though. One of the benefits of being both is that you get really good at distinguishing between different types of racism. You become almost a racism connoisseur.. And like any good connoisseur you get to know your likes, dislikes, your flavor preferences and just generally end up with a more refined racism palette.

For example, my least favorite type of racism is one you might not expect. My least favorite type of racism is the assumption that all black guys are extremely well endowed. Not because it’s not true ladies but because like anything in life, it’s all about managing expectations. If I were (hypothetically) slightly above average as a member of any another race it would be totally cool. But just because I’m black all of a sudden it’s a disappointment? That’s just unfair. It’s textbook racism and I won’t stand for it. 1

My favorite type of racism is what I like to call public transportation racism. Public transportation racism is when all the seats are taken except for the seat next to you and there’s a standing middle aged lady standing who looks way too scared to sit down. I always feel conflicted when this happens because on the one hand it’s definitely hurtful but I also really enjoy my personal space. The joke’s on you lady – you just did me a huge favor. Thanks for the racism. It’s never someone you want to sit next to you. It’s always the lady that’s kind of talking to herself, with the huge jacket and the nail clippers which she definitely planned on using.2 The point is racism isn’t always bad. Sometimes, racism works out for all parties involved.

  1. I mean I’ll probably still get it up but that’s besides the point
  2. The thing that annoys me about people who cut their nails on the subway, beyond the fact that what their doing is disgusting, is that I guess their doing it to save time? But it’s never someone who looks super busy. It’s never a guy in a suit with a Bluetooth earpiece cutting his nails. It’s always some retired lady who’s just reached that old age where she doesn’t care anymore. That age where you stand up to give an impromptu speech and everyone gets really nervous.

White Tyrone

So I met a white the white Tyrone. 1 His name was Tyrone Murphy and he looked like the complete opposite of what you would imagine a Tyrone would look like..because let’s face it when you hear the name Tyrone you picture a young black guy and this guy was old and white and wrinkly as hell. This guy looked didn’t look like a Tyrone. This guy looked like the guy that calls black guys Tyrone when he doesn’t know their name.

EXT. STREET – DAY

An OLD WHITE COUPLE watches as a MIDDLE AGED BLACK GUY’s wallet falls out of his pocket without him noticing.

OLD WHITE GUY

Hey sir, you dropped your wallet. Hey! Hey! Hey Tyrone!

THE OLD WHITE GUY gives up and opens the wallet. His WIFE watches over his shoulder.

OLD WHITE GUY

Well my god! His name’s Malcolm!

OLD WHITE LADY

Malcolm Gladwell is black?

Anyway, I sit down to talk to the guy and he informs me that the name Tyrone is actually of Irish origin. Bet you didn’t know that! At some point it started gaining popularity amongst African-Americans and in the great tradition of white flight, Irish people were like “You know what? You can have Tyrone. We’re white now. We’re just going to start naming our kids basic, regular white names.” 2

  1. I’m pretty sure he’s the only one.
  2. Like maybe Jaxon with an X or Skylerr with two Rs f it’s a girl.

No Ragrets

You know who the worst people in the world are?

*Senses reader tightening up*

That was my fault. That definitely sounded like the start of an ugly rant. Like the most probable next sentence was going to be:

This isn’t that at all. At least I hope so.

The worst people in the world are people who say they have no regrets. Like at all. In life.

That’s batshit crazy!

If you have no regrets that means either you’ve never eaten McDonald’s or you eat McDonald’s so regularly that your body can now process plastic. Either way you have something to regret.

There’s no way any sane person thinks “You know what, I did it, I’ve just been killing it my entire life, I made the right decision every time and now I’m a security guard..That’s just god’s plan for me. This is it.” If you have no regrets and you spend your day guarding more successful peoples stuff, what does that really say about you?

I think what people mean when they say the don’t have regrets is that they’re grateful. That they understand how fortunate they are in the overall grand scheme of things. But you can be both. Like one time I went on a date with this girl that was clearly an egomaniacal asshole but also clearly way out my league good-looking. I regretted it but I was still grateful that she gave me the chance. It was a nice self esteem boost and sometimes you just need that.

Poems From All Of Your Friends

your gossipy friend:
rose divorced fred, violet’s her new boo
sam’s still never wed – hey how are you?

your alcoholic friend:
roses are nice, violets are fine
but better than both is a bottle of wine

your facebook friend who is suddenly into multi-level marketing:
roses are red, violets are royal sky blue
sold by only paintco, but now you can too

your friend that loves pointing out plot holes:
rose could have said, “hey jack you look blue”
climb up on this door, cause there’s space for you too

your extremely argumentative and pedantic friend:
roses are red, violets are blue – no wait they’re violet…they are literally named violets
how dare you try to gaslight me into interpreting colors differently than they actually appear

Welcome to the Special Place in Hell

You are cordially invited to the special place in hell. The truth is you don’t really have much of a choice but we enjoy sending out these invitations to ensure that you feel the sense of dread that comes along with RSVPing for an event that you are sure to hate attending. Special place invitations are reserved for the truly despicable which means it’s actually quite the honor to be selected to participate.

EVENT PROCEEDINGS
3pm: Reception and networking
4pm: Keynote speech (Donald Trump on humility)
5pm: Intermission concert (Taylor swift & Pitbull)
6pm: Dinner
7pm: Networking
8pm: Lifetime achievement award presentation (Adolf Hitler)
9pm: More networking

Note: You will be seated at a table 24 with your slow walking neighbour and all of the weird people who clap at the end of movies.