White People Say the Darndest Things


THE OPENING GRAPHICS AND THEME MUSIC of the show begin. It initially seems like your typical wacky game show intro except the camera work is a little too frantic and the studio audience has no white people in it.


It’s now time for White People Say the Darndest Things! As always, the white people on today’s episode are not scripted actors and have not been told what to say. Now let’s get going and bring out our host – STEEEEVE HARVEEEEEY!!!

STEVE HARVEY swaggers out onto the centre of the studio stage. What should be a quick walk to centre stage takes forever due to his excessive waving, grinning and pointing to audience member as they cheer him on.


Welcome to White People Say the Darndest Thing everybody! On today’s show we have not one, not two, not three but four white people! That’s right – double episode!

The audience cheers at this news.


To my left we have Dick and Phyllis O’Callahan!

DICK and PHYLLIS (60s) blankly stare at the camera. Dick sweats excessively under the stage lights and they both look uncomfortable.


And to my right we have Tanner and Cheryl Hawthorne!

TANNER and CHERYL (20s) seem much more comfortable on stage. Tanner waves at the camera while Cheryl blows a kiss. Steve walks over to Dick and Phyllis.


Now Dick, do you like your name?


Yeah, I love Dick.


But even you have to admit. It doesn’t have the best connotations.


Screw the connotations Bill. It’s my name and I’m proud of it.


I’m sorry. Bill?


I’ve been watching your shows since forever Mr. Cosby so I feel like I know you pretty well. I was kind of hoping we we’re already on a first name basis.


I think there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding. My name is Steve Harvey. Bill no longer hosts the show.


You’re not Bill Cosby? What happened to Bill?


He’s been a little busy with his own issues lately. We can talk about it during the commercial break.


So are you related? You just look so alike!


Nope not related. Let’s talk about your family instead. You have any kids?


We have a daughter named Shannon and a dog named Aaron that’s pretty much like our son.

Dick takes a photo out of his wallet. It’s a picture of their dog messily kissing Shannon on the mouth.


Are you guys all so affectionate?


Don’t try to make this weird Bill. There’s nothing wrong with a little peck between family members. We all kiss each other.


And what does Shannon do for a living?


She’s a DJ, model and actor. I always joke that she has more jobs than a Mexican!

The studio audience, which laughed at every absurd line prior to this, does not laugh at her joke. A shot of the crowd shows unanimous disapproval.


What about you guys? What do you guys do?


We’re retired so we haven’t been doing much recently. Mostly just writing and eating. I really enjoy writing correction requests to newspaper editors and Phyllis just started a foodie blog so we’ve been out there eating up a storm!


What’s the most exotic thing you guys have eaten Phyllis?


Definitely this small Portuguese place we tried a while back. I think it was called Nando’s?

Steve gives his infamous look of exasperation into the camera and walks over to Tanner and Cheryl.


So where you guys from?




C’mon now. Ain’t no white people from Atlanta. Cheryl, where you really from?


Well I’m 3/8ths Scottish, 1/8th British, 4/12ths German , 2/13ths French and 1/19th Italian.


(fake counting on his fingers)

Damn, all that math just to add up to...one white person, that’s crazy! How long have you two been married?


We’re not.


Well how long y’all been dating?


We’re brother and sister.


So? I hear that’s not a problem down south!

Steve gives a cheesy grin to the camera as the audience laughs


Now Tanner, that’s a bit of an odd name for you isn’t it. I mean we’ve already established that you’re pretty white. Do you know who named you that?


My mom I guess.

Tanner points to a MIDDLE AGED LADY in the audience.


What’s your relationship with your mother like?


I mean most of the time we’re pretty cool. You know except for when she’s acting like a bitch.

The audience gasps in unison. Mothers in the crowd begin shaking their heads and frowning in disappointment. Tanner’s own mom begins to blush in embarrassment.


Can you give me an example of a time where she was being a bitch?


I never said she was a bitch. I said she was acting like a bitch. There’s a difference. Like sometimes she won’t let my friends come over. Or she’ll enter my room without knocking. The worst is when she buys diet Pepsi even though she knows I think it tastes like shit compared to regular Pepsi.


And how does your mom normally react when you tell her she’s acting like a bitch?


Usually she acts like an even bigger bitch. Like she’ll take away my Xbox or something.


What else does she do to punish you?


That’s it. She takes away my Xbox. What could be worse than that?

The audience laughs. Steve turns to Cheryl.


Cheryl, I understand you haven’t seen your mother or any of your family for a while?


Yeah, I just came back from a year of travelling! It was my gift to myself for graduating college and getting my first job.


An entire year of travel? Sounds expensive! What did you study that pays enough to afford all that?


I double majored in communications and humanism. I actually had to dip into my savings to pay for the plane tickets and my parents helped out with accommodations and food. Nothing too extravagant though – just hostels. I really wanted to slum it with the locals to get the authentic experience you know?


So where are you going to be working now?


I’m actually not sure if I still have a job lined up. I finally got the chance to go through my email after being off the grid for so long and my boss seems way less chill about my travelling than I thought he’d be..It’s cool though, I think I want to go to graduate school anyway.


And what are you planning on studying this time?


Food nutrition I think. I got really into veganism and buddhism when I was in India. I even got this tattoo – it says curry in Sanskrit. Ironic right?!

As Cheryl shows her tattoo to the camera, Steve Harvey returns to centre stage.


Well it’s certainly been interesting meeting all of y’all but we’ve got to get to the final section section of the show – the free for all. This is the part of the show where we open up the floor to both families to talk about a current events issue. Today’s issue is the recent NFL protests. Dick, you seem like a big NFL fan – what are your thoughts on these protests?


I hate them. When are these blacks going to finally quit crying racism? You’re millionaires for god’s sake! It’s like you said Bill, maybe if they pulled up their pants and didn’t look so thuggish the police wouldn’t be so afraid!

Steve Harvey opens his mouth to remind Dick that he’s not Bill Cosby before changing his mind.


What about you Cheryl? You seem like you disagree..


Yeah, as a fan of hip hop music, I’m pretty aware of the issues the black community faces so I’m completely in support of the protests. In fact, I even went as Colin Kaepernick for Halloween.

She pulls up a picture on her phone and shows it to the camera. It’s photo of her in a Colin Kaepernick jersey and blackface.


And you Tanner? What are your thoughts?


I’m all for protesting, just pick a better way. I don’t think they should be disrespecting our flag and our veterans.


Excuse my French Bill but what the hell does kneeling have to do with our veterans? Stop fence sitting young man. Do you think the blacks are whining or do they have a point?


Look I do think the police brutality issue is definitely overstated. Black on black crime is a magnitude worse and we don’t seem to be as concerned with that.


Exactly! This is a man that has his head on straight Bill!


And even beyond this issue, I just feel like we’re moving towards an era of reverse racism . I mean the number of scholarships and internships my girlfriend is able to get just because she’s Asian and female is insane!


Wait, your girlfriend’s Asian? You can do better than that son.


Nobody asked for your opinion grandpa.


Now come on now Tanner. There’s no need for name calling. Dick what’s your problem with Tanner dating an Asian?


I don’t have a problem with it. I just think it’s a sign that he couldn’t find someone better. Someone more like him.


Fuck you, you can’t just talk about my girl like that! You think I won’t swing on you cause you’re old?

Tanner lunges toward Dick.


It’s about time someone gave your generation a whoopin!

Dick stand up and begins waving his cane aggressively.Two burly security guards jump on stage to separate the two. Steve Harvey takes this moment to address the camera.


Well that’s all the time we have today on White People Say the Darndest Things. We hope you can join us next week!

The credits begin to roll. They are completely normal except the first two which are tiny and scroll through at a much faster speed than the rest. These happen to say “Created By – Bill Cosby” and “Executive Producer – Bill Cosby”.

Scary Hours

“I see way too many people here right now that i didn’t know last year,” Drake mumbled to noone in particular as he looked out onto the dancefloor from his VIP terrace.

His annual OVO Halloween birthday party was already well under way and much like last year and the year before, it was bigger and more immaculate. As he scanned through the crowd’s endless sea of mysterious faces, Drake couldn’t help but wonder if the party budget had reached the point of diminishing returns. He watched as two girls who must have been highschool or college aged entered the party.

“Oh my god, Becky look at her butt,” one of them yelled in shock as they walked by one of the many go-go dancers OVO had hired for the event.

Drake smiled, remembering that it wasn’t too long ago that he was the one using a fake id to sneak into parties he wasn’t supposed to be in. Best I Ever Had feels like a decade ago he thought to himself. A sudden tap on his shoulder interrupted his reminiscing.

“It’s about time,” Chubbs muttered, leaning in to be heard over the music.

Drake took one last look at the crowd and then turned to Chubbs. “I swear it feels like the last few nights we’ve been everywhere and back but I just can’t remember it all. What am I doing”

Chubbs looked deeply into Drake’s eyes for a moment before grinning and pointing to his hand. “Drake, will you please stop smoking la la? You know that shit doesn’t help.”

“Tell the DJ, pump-p-p-pump pump it up,” a drunk Joe Budden shouted out from the back of the crowd, rudely interrupting Drake mid-sentence.

Drake waited as the DJ fiddled with the equipment to turn up his microphone and then moved the microphone closer to his lips. “How bout now?”

The crowd nodded and murmured in approval. They could actually hear him now.

“They say more money more problems, my nigga don’t believe it. I mean, sure, there’s some bills and taxes I’m still evading but I blew six million on myself and I feel amazing.”

Drake took a deep breath as the crowd roared in approval at this flex.

“My classmates, they went on to be chartered accountants or work with their parents, but thinking back on how they treated me…my high school reunion might be worth an appearance. Make everybody have to go through security clearance,” he continued.

“All I care about is money and the city that I’m from –”

“– Nigga, what is that?” somebody shrieked, interrupting Drake mid-speech yet again. It sounded a lot like Joe Budden but Drake couldn’t be sure with all the stage lights and cameras pointed at him. He squinted to get a better look at what was causing all the commotion in the crowd. A man covered in blood seemed to be stumbling towards the stage.

Wait a minute, was that Jay-Z?

Drake watched in horror as what looked an awful lot like a zombified Jay-Z made his way through the crowd biting party-goers.

“Sasquatch, Godzilla, King Kong, Loch Ness,” Jay chanted as he worked his way up towards Drake.

Drake’s bodyguard Baka ushered him and the rest of his crew towards an open door behind them and then pulled a pistol from his waistband, pointing it directly at zombie Jay-Z.

“Don’t make me turn this red light on your head like you Roxanne” Baka yelled menacingly.

“Goblin, ghoul, a zombie with no conscience,” Jay chanted, continuing his slow march towards them, only pausing to occasionally take bites out of terrified partygoers.

“Just know I’m a shooter first,” Baka yelled out. He fired off a few warning shots as if to prove his point but it all looked like an attempt to reassure himself more than anything.

Zombie Jay seemed to find this threat amusing. “Stop your silly nonsense. Think. What do these things all have in common?” he asked Baka.

“This is not a playground, ain’t no fist fight bitch I’m blastin,” Baka warned, slowly starting to pull the trigger.

“Everybody knows I’m a motherfucking monster!” Jay yelled out before beginning to run directly at Baka, moving surprisingly swiftly for his age. I guess 40 really is the new 20.

Baka fired two shots directly into Jay-Z’s chest which didn’t seem to do anything but annoy him. He figured he had time for one more well placed shot before Jay got within biting distance and aimed his gun a little higher.

“I drink Henny when I shoot my pistol at the range. That way when I’m tipsy, I still know I got my aim,” he whispered to himself as he placed his red laser directly onto the the charging zombie Jay’s forehead.

Just like a good basketball player recognizing a short jumpshot, Baka knew that his aim was off as soon as he pulled the trigger and the pinging sound the bullet made as ricocheted off a metal speaker in the background only made the miss more gut-wrenching. Baka turned to run back towards the door behind only to have his stomach drop even further. The door had already been closed behind him.

So much for OVO loyalty.

Drake and the rest of the crew watched through the door’s narrow window frame as Zombie Jay lunged headfirst at Baka. Their two bodies exploding in the air upon collision like a linebacker lowering the boom on a poor unsuspecting slot receiver.

Blood was instantly everywhere.

Zombie Jay’s first bite must have been out of the left side of Baka’s chest since he quickly crumpled backwards towards his left. With Zombie Jay straddled on top of Baka’s torso it was difficult to see exactly what was happening but Baka’s screaming made it hard to imagine that things were looking good. The rapidly increasing pool of blood towards his left wasn’t promising either. It’s kind of hard to put up a fight when your bleeding out.

But suddenly there was a glimmer of hope. Literally.

Drake watched as a shiny knife came swinging out of Baka’s right hand directly into Zombie Jay’s neck. Zombie Jay immediately began grasping at it, falling forward off of Baka’s body and revealing a horribly disfigured and almost unrecognizable Baka.

Baka always said the Louis pouch he wore across his body wasn’t for fashion.

This is all Drake thought as he stared at Baka and Jay through the window. Baka’s dead body lay still on the floor just a few feet from where he stood and Zombie Jay’s barely breathing body was right next to him. Drake knew opening the door was out of the question until Jay’s body finally stopped moving but he felt it was finally time to break the heavy silence that filled the room.

“You know, I never cried when Pac died but I probably will when Hov does.”

“Oh you fancy huh?” Drake said, playfully pulling at the flamboyant pink feather boa that Nicki wore.

The two stood next to each other in an empty office that apparently belonged to the nightclub’s owner. The office was nice but sparse, with a dark mahogany desk on one end, a makeshift bar by the door and a large floor to ceiling window that overlooked the dancefloor. The same dancefloor where tonight’s zombie chaos had all begun.

“I came dressed to kill,” said Nicki.

She gestured for him to hand her his joint and immediately put it out once he did.

“It’s my birthday, I get high if I want to,” complained Drake.

He watched as Nicki took a seat behind the almost comically oversized desk before walking over to the makeshift bar. Drake figured it wouldn’t be long before the rest of his security team finally returned with a zombie-free path out of the building and he probably wouldn’t get another chance at alcohol for a while.

“Look, I’m just thinking out loud,” Nicki said from behind him. “Maybe it’s time to finally put this pussy on your sideburns.”

“Girl don’t tempt me,” Drake chuckled, unsure of whether she was joking or not. “You know the things we could do in twenty minutes girl?”

Drake poured himself a glass of Remy before turning around and walking towards her.

He put his glass on the edge of the table before sitting down across from her and shaking his head.

“Nah, next time we fuck, I don’t wanna fuck, I wanna make love.”

“C’mon. We done did everything, you can think of.”

“You know, you used to call me on my cell phone when you need my love.”

“I don’t need no frauds. There’s drama when you call.”

“’Cause you don’t say you love me to your friends when they ask you. Even though we both know that you do. And I don’t wanna just talk, I wanna trust.”

Drake leaned across the table to remove Nicki’s sunglasses and get a better look at her eyes.

A chill suddenly ran down his spine.

The yellowish tint in her eyes was undeniable. Those weren’t the normal eyes of Nicki Minaj. Those were the eyes of a soon-to-be zombie. Those were the eyes Baka had before they eventually turned red and started to bleed.

Drake stood up and pretended to pensively stare out the window, struggling to summon every ounce of acting ability he had picked up from his years at Degrassi and hoping that Nicki couldn’t sense his nervousness. He made sure to keep his face neutral while mentally running through the night’s events, wondering when exactly Nicki might have been bitten.

Maybe it was only one small bite. That’s not so bad. She hasn’t shown any zombie-like signs yet. I’ll just play it cool and wait it out until the others get back. Maybe there’s even an antidote out there that can reverse mild cases.

Dozens, if not hundreds of thoughts rushed through Drake’s mind in the next few moments as he tried to figure out what to do. But it was what Drake heard next that let him know that there was really only one option available.

“OK, first things first I’ll eat your brains,” Nicki said bluntly from across the room.

Drake was stunned. There was was not even a hint of doubt in Nicki’s voice.

“Then I’mma start rocking gold teeth and fangs,” she continued calmly.

Drake turned around to look at Nicki. He couldn’t help but notice the lack of emotion on her face. It was as if she was just simply reading out instructions from an IKEA manual and not the the instructions to his death.

“You’re making me nervous,” Drake said, taking a slight step backwards.

“Why? Cause I’m a motherfucking monster and that’s what a monster do,” Nicki responded.

This was all the confirmation he needed. Drake immediately pulled a pistol from his velour hoodie and shot Nicki right between the eyes. She instantly fell onto the floor into an unrecognizable heap of feathers, makeup and blood.

“You must have forgot. I been Steph Curry with the shot,” Drake said coolly.

If I die, I’m a legend.

Drake’s entire body trembled as he peered out the broken window at Oliver and Chubbs standing in the club parking lot three stories below him.

“Jump, man! Jump, man! Jump, man!” they yelled back up at him.

Drake knew that the zombies would break through the flimsy door behind him and burst into the office any moment now, so he carefully contorted his body through the broken window and stepped out onto the ledge, making sure to avoid stepping on any large pieces of glass.

The first crack that Drake heard was the sound of the door beginning to splinter behind him. Suddenly the zombies on the other side of the door seemed even more frightening. Drake knew that every second spent on this ledge would be one less second available once they got through the door so he mustered every ounce of courage in his body and stepped off the ledge.

The second crack that Drake heard seemed even louder than the first. He would later find out that it was the sound of his left tibia snapping into two upon hitting the ground. As of right now though, he was certain he was going to die. Drake had never felt pain like this in his life. It was as if someone took exactly how hurt he felt when recording “Marvin’s Room”, injected it directly into his leg and then amplified it somehow to feel about ten times worse.

As his friends rushed over to his writhing body, Drake spotted a dark figure heading towards them from the distance. Drake squinted to get a better look. Was this finally it? Was this the grim reaper finally coming to take him away?

“Oh man, oh man, not again!” Drake howled as soon as he realized that the dark figure wasn’t a figment of his imagination.

“Just hold on, we’re going home” Oliver and Chubbs kept repeating as they tried to help Drake to his feet, completely failing to recognize the imminent threat behind them.

Drake watched as the dark figure kept coming closer. It looked eerily familiar. But it wasn’t until he was able to make out what the figure was chanting that he recognized who it was.

“Platinum that platinum this. Meanwhile I’m on the carpet with a platinum chick. I got a platinum rollie, platinum whip,”

Holy fuck. Zombie Meek Mill.

“Back to back,” Drake immediately called out to his team, gesturing for them to look out for other potential zombies in the parking lot.

“I just wanna know. I just wanna know was it Quentin Miller? Was it Hush or was it Detail where you really got your flow?” Meek yelled out as he continued to walk closer and closer.

“Man, I just wanna know,” he continued, this time a little louder.

“You don’t have to try and say it louder nigga. Trust, we heard you the first time,” Drake replied.

“I just wanna know, if you ain’t write that running through the six shit. Tell us who the fuck was Quentin running through the six with?”

Zombie Meek was now getting dangerously close.

“You underestimated greatly,” said Drake before taking out his pistol and aiming it right at Zombie Meek Mill’s head.

Zombie Meek stopped dead in his tracks and looked directly at Drake before unleashing his next barb.

“You fucking dork, you changed the style because you studied us.”

“You gon’ hype me up and make me catch a body like that,” Drake shot back immediately.

Drake paced back and forth a few times, visibly seething with anger. He then stopped, looked directly at Zombie Meek and pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened. At first everyone was a little too shocked to comprehend it all but the second and third cold metallic clicks made it pretty clear. Drake was all out of bullets.

Meek let out a long laugh before taking a step forward and continuing, “Hold up, wait a minute! Y’all thought I was finished?”

Drake was just about to begin saying his final prayers when he spotted a white Bentley aggressively driving towards them from the other side of the parking lot.

Was that? No way. It couldn’t be. Either way, Meek definitely didn’t see the car coming.

“You let Tip homie piss on you in a movie theater nigga, we ain’t forget –”

The Bentley gained on Zombie Meek in just a few seconds, driving directly over him from behind and crushing him instantly. Unfortunately, it showed no signs of slowing down as it continued to head towards Drake, Oliver and Chubbs.

“We should all disappear right now!” yelled Drake as the crew scattered in separate directions.

The car continued to accelerate and Drake, with his badly injured leg, was almost certain that he would become roadkill when the driver hit the brakes and drifted to a screeching stop just a few feet away from him.

40 smiled as he rolled down the window.

“Meek Mill trying to take you away from me? Only over my dead body!”

Smartphone Eulogy

Nothing can truly convey the pain that I felt the day I lost my smartphone but I’ve prepared a few words that will hopefully illustrate why I loved him so much. My smartphone’s legal name was model 1289000-00-01-6568 but not too many people knew him by that. Most people instead just knew him by his many nicknames, my iPhone, 4169671111, and my personal favourite ‘don’t you dare try to mooch off this hotspot’. The two of us spent pretty much every waking hour together over the past few years and at times it felt almost as if he knew me better than myself. For example, one time he noticed I was feeling a bit sheepish about my internet search history so he recommend an article about how foot fetishes are actually quite common. Did you know that 11% of people are into feet? My smartphone did. I’m not sure whether it was all innate or whether it was due to his early years spent in the rigorous Chinese education system but he certainly was the smartest phone I’ve ever had the pleasure of interacting with.

Of course, there were hard times in our relationship too. For instance, there was one month where he had a cracked screen and I strongly considered moving on to an android but even during those strained periods of our relationship he would often help me out with fake phone calls and text messages.That’s really just the type of phone he was – a people pleaser who was always happy to put the needs of his family over his own. I think I’ll miss him most during the quiet moments of the day, such as when I’m standing in line at the grocery store or waiting for a friend who’s running late. Those would often be the times he would tell me funny jokes or ‘interesting facts’. I’m sure you’ll all miss him too. He’s probably in a better place now though. At least I hope so. Please let me know if you find him.

Post-Convo Monologues

Your Internal Monologue:
That was dumb. Did you really just say that out loud? Why the hell would you say that? What were you thinking? I mean everyone is bound to say dumb stuff every now and then but you pretty much said nothing else in that interaction besides that one dumb thing. No, the initial “Hey, how are you?” doesn’t count. At least if you had said a few other non dumb things they might not have noticed. The worst part is you were doing so well before then. Sure, you were secretly panicking on the inside, but they probably thought you were the quiet and mysterious type. And then you ruined it. You spent so much time building up this perfect persona just to shatter it by saying something so incredibly stupid. I mean really, I can’t emphasize enough just how dumb that was. Face it, your life is over now. You can never show your face here again. You’re just going to forever be known as the guy that once said that dumb thing.

Their Internal Monologue:
That was odd. I probably just misheard. I wonder if Chipotle is still open?

Your Slogan Is a Lie, Let’s Fix That

Like most things in corporate America, slogans are bullshit. The idea that you as a business are going to try to tell me how I should perceive your company is ridiculous and antiquated. I mean does anybody actually still fall for this? I need to meet some of these people that are walking around thinking “Yeah I did just spent 40 minutes on hold, but their slogan says they put customers first….It must have just been a busy day or something.” Here’s what it would look like if some well-known business slogans were a little more accurate.

State Farm: Like a good neighbor, State Farm minds its own business.
Unlike a certain DJ would lead you to believe, there is only one key to successfully being a good neighbor – mind your own fucking business. Nosy neighbors are the worst and today’s companies just don’t seem to understand this. Since when did it become acceptable to ask for my phone number, email, address and social security number at the cash register? Earlier this year I got a letter from my car insurance provider asking if I would like to install a tracking device on my car in order to pay lower premiums. Uhhhh no? I’d rather pay the extra cash just to keep you in the dark about my occasional 3 am visits to the local 7-11.

McDonald’s: I’m loving it – for now.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there are really only two true coming of age moments in life. The first occurs when you realize Santa Claus isn’t a real person and the second is the day you realize McDonald’s isn’t real food. It turns out there is a finite amount of Big Macs your body can take before it stops trying to keep up the facade and just stops processing “McFood” completely. If you are young and lucky enough to still be living in this honeymoon period – congratulations, enjoy it while it lasts. On the other hand, if you have already had this literally gut-wrenching realization, well, enough said.

Energizer: Keeps going and going and going until you actually really need it.
We’ve all done it. Opened up our calculator to see that it has less than 10% of its battery life left. You should change those batteries you think to yourself, except you get used to that 10% warning message and eventually just kind of forget about it. A few weeks later you’re sitting in your college classroom getting ready for your final exam, when something seems off about your calculator. The warning sign now says 5%. Being the intelligent student that you are, you do the math and come to the conclusion that if you lasted few weeks on just 5% of the battery life you should be alright to finish up this exam. EXCEPT IT PROMPTLY DIES ON YOU LIKE 10 MINUTES LATER. Oh, what’s that? It’s just me that’s this irresponsible? Cool.

Nike: Just do it..or not. You’re pretty tired & you have a big day tomorrow.
I watch a lot of sports, which honestly means I watch a lot of sports ads with a little live sports peppered in between. I don’t get sports ads. I guess they are supposed to make us believe that if we purchase the gear we might just be able to play like pros? When I watch sports ads my thought process is typically more along the lines of “Wow. Look at Dwyane Wade’s calves. My calves are never going to be that big”. Clearly they are working though, because we all know the one guy that wears the entire latest Jordan brand collection out on the court at once but is somehow still the worst player there. Spike Lee lied to you bro, it turns out it’s not the shoes.

UPS: What can Brown mess up for you?
So you buy this gift right? It’s the perfect gift, super thoughtful yet super practical and somehow still within your budget. But then you see the expected delivery date – 4 to 7 business days. Once again, you do the math and as long as this gift is here within 6 business days you’ll be fine. The gift arrives on the 7th day. Yes I’m painfully aware that this is once again 100% my fault. I’m petty, deal with it.

Las Vegas: What happens in Vegas leads to a really awkward conversation several weeks later.
I was hesitant about even touching this one since it is part of what could arguably be the greatest marketing campaign of all time. People really do think that they can get away with things that would never be socially acceptable elsewhere just because they’re in Vegas. What this slogan conveniently fails to mention is that we now live in the smartphone era, which means nothing “stays” anywhere.

Subway: Eat “fresh”
Listen Subway, I don’t know who you think you’re fooling with this stuff but please stop it. There is nothing fresh about fake meat that has been sitting in it’s own fake meat juices for hours on end. It’s not that I’m against what you’re trying to do, I practically lived on Subway during my college years, but even then I pretty much knew that the entire Subway customer base consists of people who are too cheap to buy real food but also too self conscious to get another burger. It may be subtle, but it’s about time that your slogan reflected this.

Double Positives

At some point in school you probably learned about the double negative rule in mathematics. For those of you who either don’t remember or who have consciously chosen to block all math from your life due to childhood trauma, the rule essentially states that subtracting a negative number is equivalent to adding that number. Simply put, two negatives make a positive. Unfortunately, many schools fail to teach the lesser known double positive rule which states that in some rare instances two positives can make a negative. Below are a few examples of the double positive rule in action:

Fruit + cake = fruitcake

Rap freestyles + social justice advocacy = spoken word

Cooking fried food + being naked = awkward emergency room visit

Water + electricity = death

Chocolate + cute puppy = heartbreaking death

Clubbing + baby seals = literally many heartbreaking deaths

Red + blue = purple

Sex + family = traumatic orgy

Toothpaste + orange juice = traumatic mouth orgy

Pizza + pineapples = crime against humanity

Most Common Last Words by Age Group

0 – 1: Not applicable for obvious and sad reasons.
1 – 9: Unintelligible crying that was instinctively tuned out by all parties within earshot.
9 – 26: Hey guys, check this out!
27: At least I’m in that cool club I guess.
28 – 50: I mean I’m pretty sure I remember signing up for the extra life insurance coverage.
50+: Jesus, finally.