INT. PRESS CONFERENCE – DAY

DR. MOHAMED ABDULLAHI stands at a podium in front of a crowd of reporters.

DR. MOHAMED

Once again, I’d like to thank you all for listening so attentively to our Ramadan press conference. In addition to our website which has been updated, the press packet you’ve all received contains some additional basic facts and FAQs about the month. I’m sure some of you are eager to ask questions however, so I’m happy to open up the floor.

Dr. Mohamed points to a reporter on his right.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

Nancy Jeffries, CNN. When you say refrain from food and drink, what type of beverages are we talking about? Is it just a month off from alcohol or is it all beverages? Where do you draw the line?

DR. MOHAMED

Well actually, Muslims are completely forbidden from drinking alcohol year round so that’s not too much of a change. However, Ramadan fasting does apply to all other food and beverages.

NANCY JEFFRIES

Even water?

DR. MOHAMED

Yes, even water. Next question?

Dr. Mohamed points to his left.

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

Becky Sanderson, Us Weekly. Sorry, she just asked my question. I was going to ask about water.

There is an awkward pause as we all question why it took Becky so long to put down her hand.

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

Ethan Miller, Fox News. What is your response to those who’ve been saying fasting is un-American?

DR. MOHAMED

Who’s been saying that?

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

(clearly lying)

People.

DR. MOHAMED

Did these people happen to mention why it would be un-American?

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

Everyone knows that America’s all about freedom and choosing to restrict yourself so severely just seems kind of...un-American.

DR. MOHAMED

I’m not sure I would 100% agree with that first statement but as far as I’m aware American freedom includes religious freedom and the ability to choose your own beliefs and rituals. Think about it this way, people choose to diet all the time – is dieting un-American? Next question.

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

Becky Sanderson, Us Weekly. How do you guys not die?

DR. MOHAMED

I’m sorry?

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

Well I would think that 30 days without food or water would result in, you known – death?

DR. MOHAMED

We break our fasts every night. I guess we’ll have to add that to next year’s press packet.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

Do Muslim’s brush their teeth during Ramadan? Does that count as breaking your fast?

DR. MOHAMED

Nope, since toothpaste isn’t a food that is ingested it would be fine.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

What about gum? Sometimes I swallow my gum by accident, would that be fine?

DR. MOHAMED

Yes, since you didn’t intend to eat the gum that would also be fine.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

I read somewhere that we eat eight spiders a year in our sleep. What does Islam have to say about this? Say I was dreaming about food, would that count as intent?

DR. MOHAMED

I’m not sure. I’ll have to reach out to some scholars and get back to you on that one.

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

Can you comment on a recent study that indicates that Ramadan hunger related anger is fuelling terrorism?

DR. MOHAMED

I haven’t heard of that study can you tell me more about it?

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

I think that we can all agree that most Muslims are pretty angry and I know I get angry when I’m hungry so maybe the two are related?

DR. MOHAMED

Once again, not sure that I’d agree with that first part. And without concrete proof, connecting those two claims just seems a little outrageous to me but I’ll have to look through that report before I can comment. Can you send it to me?

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

Sure..It’s been quite a while since I’ve read it so I’ll have to see if I can find it.

Dr. Mohamed nods and points to another reporter.

DR. MOHAMED

Yes, Becky?

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

Becky Sanderson, Us Weekly. Can you tell me a little more about the benefits of the Ramadan diet?

DR. MOHAMED

I wouldn’t exactly call it a diet but yeah I guess there could potentially be health benefits. I’m not a medical doctor though so I can’t really comment on that.

BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)

But your name’s Dr. Mohamed? And I’m pretty sure I heard you referring to it as a diet earlier in this press conference.

DR. MOHAMED

(exasperated)

I have my doctorate in Islamic Theology and I was just using dieting as a somewhat analogous choice earlier, sorry for the confusion.

NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)

My neighbour who’s a Muslim once told me that it’s extremely offensive in his culture to turn down a gift or invitation. If I invite him over for dinner in Ramadan what would he have to do? Say yes or say no?

DR. MOHAMED

I don’t want to speak for your neighbour but I think most Muslims would say no. Ethan, you get the last question.

Nancy pumps her fist in joy. She clearly doesn’t like her neighbour.

ETHAN MILLER (FOX)

How do you think Ramadan fasting affected Barack Obama’s effectiveness as President?

DR. MOHAMED

Come on Ethan, you really think you would fool me with that one? But for the record, Obama’s not a muslim.

For some reason Dr. Mohamed winks slowly as he answers that last question. As the press conference wraps up and all the journalists begin leaving the room we close on Ethan from Fox news. He’s clearly frustrated and a look at his notepad reveals several potential outrageous headlines that have been crossed out. He then smiles and writes out a new one “Potentially fake Muslim doctor questions America’s freedom and refuses to respond to Ramadan rumours. Terrorist? We’ll let you decide.”

INT. VARIOUS BEDROOM OFFICES – DAY – MONTAGE

Sappy Sarah McLachlan music plays as we see a series of young nerdy looking writers neglecting their pets. We know they’re writers because they all wear glasses and we know this montage is important because it’s in slow motion.

-One writer plays a half assed game of fetch with her dog as she sits and stares at her computer

-Another writer lays on a couch with his laptop on his chest. He gets annoyed when his dog comes and sits on him

-A third writer is so enthralled as they type away that they barely notice their dog as it brings over its leash

-Finally, each of the writers from above takes off their glasses in frustration. They each carry their dog out of the room and close the door. The dogs look heartbroken.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Another sad looking dog lays on a couch. We close in on him when suddenly HE BEGINS TO TALK!

DUKE

Hey there, my name’s Duke. Did you know that every year thousands of writers neglect their dogs to write terrible think pieces? The first time it happened to me was when my owner suddenly thought that the world needed a 9,000 word exploration of the anti-capitalist undertones in SpongeBob SquarePants.

INT. BEDROOM OFFICE – DAY [FLASHBACK]

Duke’s owner finishes typing at his desk. He is clearly satisfied with whatever he has written and walks away. As soon as he does Duke jumps into the empty office chair and begins to read.

DUKE (V.O.)

Now I may not be the most sophisticated reader but even I can recognize when a writer is clearly reaching just to be controversial. This truly is the clickbait generation.

EXT. DOG PARK – DAY [FLASHBACK]

Duke’s owner stares off into space, clearly thinking up another terrible piece of writing. Duke is busy sniffing various dog butts.

DUKE (V.O.)

After speaking to some of my friends I realized the problem was much more widespread than I initially thought. I even heard something from my buddy, Buddy, that was truly spine-chilling – some people are now writing terrible think pieces in response to other terrible think pieces!

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Duke now sits up on the couch.

DUKE

It’s time to finally take a stand against terrible think pieces. So please do us all a favour and join our official pledge to stop reading them. Better yet, the next time you see a terrible think piece from someone that you know, call them up and tell them to stop. With your support, we can end this.