MOHAMED OSMAN

0 – 1: Not applicable for obvious and sad reasons.
1 – 9: Unintelligible crying that was instinctively tuned out by all parties within earshot.
9 – 26: Hey guys, check this out!
27: At least I’m in that cool club I guess.
28 – 50: I mean I’m pretty sure I remember signing up for the extra life insurance coverage.
50+: Jesus, finally.

Dear “Friends”,

As I’m sure many of you have no doubt already heard, Alyson and I have been living apart for the past few weeks now and are in the midst of filing for divorce. Rather than continuing to allow inaccurate rumours to fester, I would like to take a moment to publicly straighten out what exactly happened. On February 17th, I walked in on Alyson thoroughly enjoying an episode of “The Big Bang Theory” in our marital bedroom. As you can imagine, this came as quite the shock and I was (and still am) horrified and disgusted. After several weeks of couples therapy, Aly and I have determined that our relationship simply cannot be mended after such a gross violation of both my trust and comedic decency. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

Regards,
Mo Osman

You are cordially invited to the special place in hell. The truth is you don’t really have much of a choice but we enjoy sending out these invitations to ensure that you feel the sense of dread that comes along with RSVPing for an event that you are sure to hate attending. Special place invitations are reserved for the truly despicable which means it’s actually quite the honor to be selected to participate.

EVENT PROCEEDINGS
3pm: Reception and networking
4pm: Keynote speech (Donald Trump on humility)
5pm: Intermission concert (Taylor swift & Pitbull)
6pm: Dinner
7pm: Networking
8pm: Lifetime achievement award presentation (Adolf Hitler)
9pm: More networking

Note: You will be seated at a table 24 with your slow walking neighbour and all of the weird people who clap at the end of movies.