Urban Time Machine

INT. GIANTCORP CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

The almost-laughably-long boardroom table is surrounded by a handful of sharply dressed suits who quietly make small talk with each other. The chatter dies down as soon as JEFF JEFFERSON (old, cocky) walks in

JEFF

Time is money guys. Let’s get started.

Jeff takes a seat at the head of the table.

JEFF

Really? Nothing huh. That joke usually kills.

One executive (Frank) near the back begins to laugh maniacally.

FRANK

(between fits of forced laughter)

Because we sell time machines guys...so time actually is money for us! Very funny sir!

JEFF

It’s not that funny, Frank. Keep it in your pants. Have some self respect.

Jeff surveys the room. Like most executive boardrooms, it’s very male and very pale.

JEFF

It looks like everyone’s here. What about on the conference call? Debbie is anybody missing?

DEBBIE (V.O.)

Jen from legal had a flight delay so she’s gonna be a little late in joining but every one else is on the call.

JEFF

Great, legal tends to ruin the fun most of the time anyway. Just let me know when she joins the call and we’ll get her up to speed quickly.

Jeff turns to address the room.

JEFF

So as you all know, our machines have been severely under-performing in the urban demographic. I’ve called this meeting to see if there’s anything that we can do about that. Richard has your market research group been able to make leads on this? Or is this pointless endeavor like....like a restaurant trying to get certain customers to tip more you know?

Jeff doesn’t notice the uncomfortable silence in the room.

JEFF

HEYYOOO! God, I love it when legal’s not here. Anyway’s what do you have for us Richard?

Richard hesitates as if considering whether to address this introduction. He decides not to.

RICHARD

So um our team was actually able to find a number of interesting potential root causes. For example, there was far less brand recognition in more urban demographics which is indicative of misallocated marketing resources. We also found they were more sensitive to the relatively high entry price point. Finally and probably most importantly, we realized that urban demographics demonstrated far less enthusiasm for going back in time.

JEFF

Can you put that into numbers for me Dick? I’m a numbers guy.

RICHARD

Sure, 70% of black respondents in our survey selected the least interested response which was “I have interest in going back in time at all whatsoever.”

JEFF

Any common reasons why?

RICHARD

We didn’t have any further prompts in the survey to ask why but I can definitely take a guess at one big one.

JEFF

What?

RICHARD

Well slavery, sir.

JEFF

Of course! How’d we miss this? Shouldn’t we have caught this earlier?

RICHARD

In theory this is the type of stuff our focus groups should catch but there were some weaknesses

JEFF

Weaknesses?

RICHARD

There was only one black person in the sample focus group.

Richard looks down at his notes.

RICHARD

Fatima Withers, age 36. While most of her answers where about average, she did seem to have a weird obsession with going back in time in order to ‘give that thang up to Tupac’.

Jeff thinks this over for far too long before turning towards the right side of the room.

JEFF

That settles it, Tom I’m going to need R&D to quickly build out a version of the product that only goes forward. This’ll help ensure we don’t miss out on potential African-American market share.

TOM, the meek looking head of R&D looks confused by this request.

TOM

Well sir, that’s technically impossible. The laws of physics dictate that any motion --

JEFF

You know what else was considered impossible? Fitting every song you could ever possibly listen to into the palm of your hand. But we have iPhones now. You know who did that?

TOM

Steve Jo-

JEFF

Steve Jobs. He proved that if you believe hard enough you can make the impossible possible. So I promise you Tom that this is possible. You know why? Because I believe in you.

Tom, isn’t sure how to respond to this random pep talk.

JEFF

What are you still doing here buddy? Get on back out there and let’s start making this possible!

A flustered Tom grabs his stuff and heads out of the room.

INT. GIANTCORP HALLWAY – DAY

Tom whips out his cell phone as soon as he exits the room.

TOM

Hey Rajeev, guess what he wants now?

RAJEEV

A blowjob.

TOM

No of course not. Why would he want a blowjob?

RAJEEV

I don’t know you said guess so I did.

TOM

He wants a machine that only goes forward in time.

RAJEEV

Is that motherfucker serious? You told him that’s impossible right.

TOM

Yeah I tried but he gave the Jobs speech again.

RAJEEV

We’re so fucked.

TOM

The rest of the guys are going to hate me when they hear this.

RAJEEV

Maybe not. What if instead of building a whole new machine, we just took out the back button?

TOM

Extracting that functionality from the code base is going to be pretty painful.

RAJEEV

No no no no no no. Think simpler. We just have to take out the physical back button.

TOM

Brilliant! We were completely overthinking it. You’re a genius Rajeev.

RAJEEV

Well I mean technically we both are.

The two share a chuckle at this.

INT. GIANTCORP CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Jeff has now turned his attention to the head of finance and initial ass-kisser, Frank.

JEFF

So Frank, I understand Richard’s shared some of the data regarding the price sensitivity concerns with you. Do you have any ideas on how we can approach this?

FRANK

Yes, I was thinking that we could begin to offer no money down financing on our time machines. I’ve run the numbers and even with pretty high projected default rates we’d actually be making quite a bit more on each machine thanks to the interest.

JEFF

Wait, are you proposing that we become a bank?

FRANK

Not exactly but I do think that we have the scale to be able to handle a simple financing program. Plus fintech is a growing market and--

JEFF

-- I know you’re pretty new here Frank so let me help you out a little. Unlike your old buddies over on Wall street who seem to have no issue with directly fucking over the poor for a quick dime, we really prefer to sleep at night with a clear conscience.

FRANK

Sorry, I guess I got excited by the potentially significant revenue stream. I’ll tell the guys to stop working on it.

JEFF

Don’t be silly Frank, we’re having trouble making next quarter’s target as is. We just need to find a way to contract out the actual lending while keeping the income. We have to be at least one step removed from that type of shit because unlike your banker buddies we’ve got a half decent reputation to maintain.

FRANK

Oh. Kind of like how Apple outsources to Foxconn?

JEFF

Exactly. See you’re picking up the Silicon Valley mindset already!

Frank’s face lights up at this validation. He smiles the way only a true sycophant can.

JEFF

Great so now that we got the money stuff out of the way let’s talk marketing. Liam, you’re up.

Liam, the overly enthusiastic and dresses-way-younger-than-he-actually-is head of marketing stands up and walks towards the other end of the table where a projector and screen are set up.

LIAM

Rather than walking you through a boring and mind-numbing marketing plan I thought I’d just show you one of the new ads we’ve been working on to target the urban demographic. After all if a pictures worth a thousand words then a video’s got to be worth a couple hundred million right? So without further ado, here it is. I really think you’ll enjoy it!

The lights in the room are dimmed and the ad begins to play on the screen.

A YOUNG BLACK BOY dribbles a basket ball down the street when he comes across a large billboard. His eyes widen and he immediately sprints back in the other direction.

A TATTOOED BLACK GANGBANGER is stopped at a red light in his lowrider with outrageous rims. He looks up at the sign and immediately screeches off into the distance.

AN OLD BLACK LADY in a ridiculous hat and her Sunday best comes across the billboard and faints.

The billboard is finally revealed.

BIG CORP TIME MACHINES NOW AVAILABLE WITH 0 MONEY DOWN

DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING SOUNDING VOICE ACTOR (V.O.)

Free at last! Free at last! Giantcorp time machines are free at last!

The projector fades to black and a grinning Liam steps in front of the screen.

LIAM

What do you guys think? Amazing right?!

JEFF

Liam, it’s not often that I’m speechless.

A few executives share nervous looks. No one is quite sure whether Jeff means the good or bad type of speechless.

JEFF

It’s perfect. Let’s get this ad running as soon as we can. Way to end this meeting on a high note Liam! Debbie did we cover everything on the agenda?

DEBBIE (V.O.)

Jen wanted to cover some legal stuff related to the no money down financing but I don’t see her on the call. Her flight must’ve held her up.

JEFF

Thank god! Jen would only be a downer after that amazing work of art we just witnessed. Let’s call it a meeting and send her the minutes. And make sure to attach those two ads!

DEBBIE (V.O.)

Sure thing boss.

JEFF

That’s about it. Thanks for your time everyone!

Everyone shuffles out of the room. There is an eerie few moments of silence before the phone in the middle of the table lights up.

JEN (V.0.)

Hello, are you guys still there? It’s Jen. I’m so sorry about being late.

(beat)

Helloooo?

(email notification sound followed by another beat)

Meeting minutes already? That was fast.

We hear Jen beginning to watch the first of the two ads. She instantly recognizes what it is. Her voice suddenly sounds a lot more frustrated, a lot more southern and a lot more...black.

JEN

Oh hell naw! My blood pressure’s way too high for this shit.

Canadian Mexican Standoff

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Two friends sit on couch watching a basketball game. Their eyes are glued to the screen as they both simultaneously reach for the last slice of pizza that sits on the coffee table in front of them. They touch hands.

VINCENT

Oh, my bad bro. Go ahead, you can have the last slice.

HASSAN

No you’re my guest, you have it.

VINCENT

No worries man. I probably ate more than you. You have it.

HASSAN

Dude, you reached for it. Just take it.

Vincent stands up in a way that is super intimidating. This is getting weird.

VINCENT

Hassan, I really insist.

Hassan also stands up.

HASSAN

You insist? Well I maintain that as my guest the last slice is yours. Those are the rules in this household.

VINCENT

C’mon man, are we really doing this?

Hassan doesn’t budge. He pulls a switchblade out of his hoody.

HASSAN

Eat the fucking slice Vincent.

Vincent steps back in surprise and fear.

VINCENT

Well damn, I guess I have no choice then.

Vincent reaches down as if to take the slice of pizza. But instead quickly pulls a gun from underneath the coffee table.

VINCENT

Except to kindly return the favour. Enjoy your slice...bro.

Hassan is clearly shocked by this turn of events. He drops the knife and raises his arms.

HASSAN

This is getting out of hand. We’re friends remember? What if we split it?

Vincent cooly shakes his head and slowly begins to pull on the trigger.

VINCENT

We both know it’s too late for that.

HASSAN

Okay! Okay! I’ll eat it! But since you clearly wanted more let’s just order another pizza. I promise I’m not trying anything funny.

Vincent with his gun still pointed at Hassan picks up a cell phone off the table and inspects it.

VINCENT

You bought the last one so I’ll buy this one.

Vincent dials with one hand and puts the phone to his ear. As he does this he notices a slight grin on Hassan’s face. It’s unsettling. SUDDENLY, A THIRD PERSON APPEARS FROM BEHIND VINCENT AND PISTOL WHIPS HIM ACROSS THE BACK OF THE HEAD. He is instantly knocked unconscious.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Vincent lies upright on a hospital stretcher with his eyes closed. Hassan sits beside him reading a magazine. Vincent slowly opens his eyes and begins to take in his surroundings.

VINCENT

What the hell man?! You knocked me out? That crosses the line dude. That’s messed up.

Hassan folds up his magazine.

HASSAN

Is it? Guess who’s paying for this beautiful private room? And the delicious pizza concoction being pumped into you right now. Hassan nod’s to the IV tube pumping a disgusting yellow liquid into Vincent’s body.

VINCENT

That’s the last slice isn’t it?

HASSAN

No, that’s the pee tube. But the other one is.

VINCENT

Oh wow. Thanks?

HASSAN

You’re welcome man. Anything for a friend.

Honest Everything

Honest Track Listing

1: Pretentious and boring intro
2: Radio single that you will briefly enjoy before it slowly drives you into insanity
3: Extremely extended metaphor about how love can be like a drug sometimes
4: Vague disses that are definitely not about my ex
5: Completely forgot I stole this so I’m probably gonna get sued
6: Pointless interlude you always forget about
7: There’s a hot rapper on this one so maybe black people will check it out
8: Yeah you better put your hands up because I told you to
9: Surprisingly good song that made you listen to this album
10: Let’s just call this a bonus track so I can charge more for this version

Honest Job Posting

GLORIFIED SERVANT
Salary: Way less than you’re hoping for
Benefits: What are thooooose?
Location: We’re technically within the city but plz don’t Google maps us
Schedule: Let’s just say you’re going to be here a lot
Minimum Qualifications: An attractive LinkedIn profile photo
Preferred Qualifications: An extremely attractive LinkedIn profile photo
Responsibilities: Fulfilling your new hellish boss’ every desire

Our hot startup finally has enough funding to provide our man-child CEO a personal assistant.
Dudes need not apply because we’re all just hoping for someone we can ogle between our manic coding sprees and it’s a pretty big sausage fest over here already. We’re also really hoping that our cool furniture, office foosball table and karaoke machine will be enough to distract you from how terrible this workplace and position is.

If you’re desperate enough, please send your resume to [email protected]

Honest Obituary

So Chad finally had a heart attack last week. Social norms dictate that he was famous enough to deserve one of these but let’s be real he was kind of a dick and the world is in all likelihood a slightly better place without him. He was never much of a reader so I guess it makes sense to keep this obituary short and sweet in his memory. I also really don’t have that many nice things to say about him and the longer this obituary is the more expensive it is. Chad didn’t really accomplish all that much so instead let’s all just focus on how “vibrant” and “memorable” he was. He is survived by his two children Jaxon and Skyler who are both currently trying to figure out how long to pretend to mourn before squabbling over his estate. Chad’s funeral service is this Friday, please swing by because it will be pretty sad and pathetic if we’re the only ones attending.

The Official Guide to Being Late

More than 10 mins early:
Congratulate yourself on this rare accomplishment. Play it cool and walk around the block again. You don’t want to look too eager.

On time:
Use this opportunity to point out to others that you aren’t always late. It’s important to earn as many brownie points as you can before your next inevitably late encounter. Resist any urges to brag or shame others. Saying “Who’s the late one now?” will only hurt you in the long run.

5 – 15 minutes late:
A quick apology for your tardiness is needed upon approaching the group. Unless you’re meeting with monsters they’ll be understanding. Shit happens. In fact, shit happens so often to you in particular that this is actually not even that late in your eyes.

15 – 30 minutes late:
In addition to an apology, you now owe the group a plausible excuse for your lateness. Keeping the excuse short and vague usually works best. For example, an often used classic is simply saying “Sorry guys, traffic.” Everyone will probably know that you’re lying since they took the exact same road and arrived on time, but it’s just plausible enough.

30 – 60 minutes late:
You now owe the group a detailed and entertaining excuse for your lateness. My personal favourite is admitting you lost track of time as you were having sex. It’s an excuse that’s embarrassing enough to avoid suspicion of it being fake while providing multiple opportunities for humorous and entertaining banter that will definitely distract everyone from your lateness.

60+ minutes late (if you’re a good person):
Reevaluate all of the circumstances that have brought you to this point in life. You need help and the first step in solving the problem is admitting you have a problem.

60+ minutes late (if you’ve given up on being a good person):
Stroll in confidently and insist that everyone else in the group got the time wrong. The meeting was scheduled for 11:07 not 10:00. If there’s anything that you’ve learned from movies, it’s that ideas that are “so crazy they just might work” always work. Also, this approach seems to be working really well for Donald Trump, so you might as well give it a shot.

Racist Compliment

So I got a compliment recently that turned out to be racist? This girl goes:

– You’re really friendly … (a bit of compliment)..

– Not intimidating at all … (a bit wierd and repetitive)

– Not like most black guys … (?? SUPER RACIST ??)

I didn’t know how to respond and I think she could see that on my face because then she patted me on the knee and said “that’s a good thing Mo”  just to reassure me I guess. And before you ask, yes she most definitely is. 

The annoying part is I knew what she meant. I know what I look like. I wear glasses, I have big front teeth and I kind of look like Mr. Potato Head. I look like the black guy that gets put on all the campus recruitment material. To a lot of people I’m basically diet black – close enough but way less threatening to your health. Diverse but not too diverse.

So anyways, I’m thinking about how to respond to this racist compliment right and part of me wanted to say something really funny and smart. Something like:

Thanks, that was only a little bit racist – just like a lot of white people!

But that’s not what I said. I said part of that. What I actually said was:

Thanks.

That’s it..that’s all I said. Because it didn’t fully click until a few sentences later and at that point it was waaay too late. So I did the next best thing instead. I unfollowed her on Twitter. Really got back at her. She’ll see that she’s under 400 followers and then she’ll definitely put it all together.

All You Can Eat

This is a bit of a controversial opinion so I’m just going to put it out there. I think North America’s official sport should be all you can eat buffet. First off, let’s face it, it would be more accurate at this point. We have an obesity problem so we might as well lean into it. 1 Also just think about how intimidating that would be at the Olympics. Walking out at the opening ceremony with giant spoons and forks like:

Oh your national sport is running? That’s cute. We have so much food we eat it for sport.

I actually think that all you can eat restaurants are more competitive than sports because not everyone is into sports but everyone likes taking advantage of a potential deal. It doesn’t matter if you’re 100 pounds or 400 pounds, everyone sees a buffet and thinks the exact same set of thoughts. They always starts innocent and then get super competitive:

$19.99 for as much food as I want? That’s a great deal. In fact that’s an irresponsible deal. How dare you offer me this deal? Challenge accepted. I’m gonna put you out of business.

Because no one goes to a buffet to eat a comfortable amount of food. You don’t even go to a buffet to get your moneys worth. Everyone goes to a buffet with one intention only – to do as much damage as financially possible.

We take buffets so serious in our family. I remember one time we were going to a buffet for my sister’s birthday and I forgot and made breakfast. Big mistake. My mom came down and just straight up smacked the toast out of my hand..then threw it in the trash..then came back and smacked me on the back of my head..then went back to sleep without saying a word! I deserved it, I almost broke the cardinal rule – no eating before the buffet. 2

Buffets change my dad too. Because my dad’s not all that into sports but when we’re in the car on the way to a buffet he turns into an overzealous coach. As soon as we get within eyesight of the restaurant he starts his pregame pep talk:

Now this isn’t just any restaurant were going to this is an all you can eat buffet! So I don’t want to see you drinking any water, eating any bread, in fact no carbs whatsoever! We’re here for protein and dessert only! Mo I know you like noodles but we have those at home so stick to the game plan!

The only thing that’s missing is us huddling up outside the car and yelling break. 3

Now all you can eat is not a single player sport. You’re facing off against an opponent and it’s not the owner. It’s the waiters. The second you take a sip of water you better believe that there’s going to be a waiter asking you if you’d like a refill. Or just to “top it off”. They always come out of nowhere too. I’m pretty sure teleportation has already been invented and it’s being used exclusively by all you can eat buffet waiters.

My favorite part is the post game because you would think that you would leave an all you can eat restaurant feeling better than you came in. But that’s not what happens when you eat four and a half pounds of roast beef, shrimp and cheescake. It creeps up on you slow too. First you start breathing heavy..then you start sweating for no reason..you end up leaving the buffet looking like you just ran a marathon! 4

  1. As much as people love to, you really can’t blame teens for this. At that age, road hockey just can’t compete with hot-pockets, air conditioning and naked internet girls.
  2. It wasn’t until she threw the toast in the trash that it finally all clicked like “oh yeah today’s buffet day”..because the only thing my mom hates more than us wasting food is us not taking advantage of buffet pricing.
  3. Sometimes I like to mess with him and I’ll say something like “But I hear they have really good pasta!” It makes him so mad and it works every time.
  4. You know those before and after photos in weight loss commercials? Buffet photos are like the opposite of that.

The Real C Word

I recently discovered the ultimate litmus test for determining how innocent someone truly is. I was hanging out with a younger cousin of mine  when he froze and turned to me.

“You just said the C word!”

At first I panicked because we were playing NBA 2K at the time and I can say some pretty vile stuff when it comes to Xbox, but like any responsible adult, I turned to him and just straight up denied it. 1

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.”

This went on for a while so I’ll just skip ahead and cut to the part where my cousin eventually provided a little more info.

“Yes, you just said c-r-a-p.”

A giant wave of relief washed over me. It was like finding out I didn’t have cancer or something.

“Oh crap! I thought you meant the real C word!”

In hindsight I’ll admit that probably wasn’t the best response for that particular situation. But it’s crazy because my nephew is twenty six and at that age I definitely knew what the real C word was. 2 By this point I’d really opened up Pandora’s box and now my cousin really wanted to know.

“What’s the real C word?”

As soon as the words left his lips my aunt/his mom walked into the room. And if there was ever a look that captured the all of the vulgarness of the C word it was the look that she gave me at that moment. She didn’t say anything but her eyes basically screamed “How dare you try to corrupt the mind of my innocent 13 year old child, you motherfucking cunt.” 3

The next thing she did was probably, no definitely, the single greatest bit of parenting I’ve ever seen. My little 13 year old cousin asks his Mom what the real C word is and she looks at him and without missing a beat goes

“The real C word? The real C word is..cancer.”

Amazing..I don’t know if becoming a parent just instantly makes you a better liar or something but I was really blown away. There’s no way I would have been able to come up with that. I probably would’ve tried to stall for a bit before just going “Fuck it. There comes a time where every boy becomes a man anyway…the word is cunt son.. the word is cunt.” 4

Part of me hopes his parents are able to keep him that innocent forever. Another part of me laments the fact that I missed out on a really transformative coming of age moment. Every barmitzvah should have a section where the kid learns the real C word.

  1. It’s almost an involuntary reflex at this point.
  2. Totally kidding, he’s actually thirteen but I’m pretty sure I still knew at that age. He’s also really tall for his age which makes it easy to forget how young he is.
  3. Sorry, C word  just wouldn’t capture how mad she was. As vile as it may seem at times, it’s only just a word.
  4. My thinking is if I was going to have to deal with the wrath of my aunt anyway I might as well have truly earned it. Almost like a technical foul in basketball.

Global Warming Bars

Nicki Minaj
Bitch I’m the one surrounded by some zeroes too
Just came back from London had to see 02
Rapper, popstar now ceo too
Making the world hot like CO2

Eminem
They like “Marshall, how you feel about global warming?”
It’s pretty straightforward man I’m all for it
Fuck the arctic and fuck the forests
I’m from Detroit where it could be warmer

J. Cole
Still remember that summer it was a thousand degrees
Fayetteville prom June 2003
I was on a quest to lose my virginity
On my Lauryn Hill tryna get me that thing
And when it finally happened you know I felt it dude
Finished real quick, my ice cap melted dude

Wiz Khalifa
Catch me in Calabasas smoking greenhouse gases
While a sexy socialite shows me her assets
And yeah my car’s not the fastest
But it runs on grass bitch (like me!) and that’s fantastic

Andre 3000
You wanna know what bothers me?
Honestly it’s gotta be human psychology
Like instead of constantly just chasing broccoli
Can’t we live modestly, in harmony with ecology