volume02

Life’s Not Fair

EXT. BEACH – DAY

Most people go to the beach to relax but Sam (5) isn’t most people and right now she’s about as focused as can be.

SAM

Come on. Where are you Mr. Seashell? I’m gonna find you.

Sam scours the beach. Head down. With purpose. She barely notices that the ice cream cone she’s holding is starting to melt and drip. Her parents sit far off in the distance under a giant umbrella. Dad watches Sam intently while Mom is busy reading a book.

DAD

Sam! Quit playing and finish your ice cream. That thing’s melting all over the place!

Sam barely registers this warning. She suddenly spots something shiny a few feet away and rushes toward it. Jackpot! Another beautiful seashell! Sam bends over to pick up the seashell and as she does most of her ice cream slips off the cone and into the sand.

DAD

Don’t you dare eat that Sam!

Sam, who might have just been contemplating whether the 5 second rule applies to the beach, begins to cry. She throws her seashell down in disgust. Dad puts down his beer, gets up off his beach towel and walks toward Sam.

DAD

It’s okay Sam. It’s just ice cream. We have a lot more at home.

SAM

It’s not the same. Their ice cream’s better. Can I get another one?

DAD

We’re not getting another one. I told you it was melting!

SAM

I barely got to eat it. It’s not fair.

Dad kneels down to look Sam in the eye. There’s a grave look on his face.

DAD

You’ve just learned one of life’s most important lessons. Do you know what that lesson is?

Sam doesn’t know.

DAD

Life’s not fair. Sometimes that’s just how it is.

Sam is still mad. What does that even mean? This is clearly not the lesson she was hoping for.

DAD

And anyway, that seashell actually looks pretty cool so it might’ve even been worth it.

Sam rethinks this. Dad might have a point there.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Sam sits on the floor watching a movie with her parents curled up on the couch behind her. Mom is busy scrolling through her phone and dad is busy trying to steal some potato chips out of the small bag that is on her lap.

He moves slowly and is just about to get his hand into to the bag when Mom slaps his hand away. This is particularly impressive given that her eyes never leave her phone.

MOM

Nice try.

Dad then spots an easier target. Sam has her potato chips dumped out into a pile on the coffee table in front of her. She is so enthralled with the movie that she doesn’t notice as dad slyly takes a few. He makes sure to chew them slowly.

He begins to collect some more when Sam turns around to ask a question. She sees dad move his hand and immediately recognizes what’s been happening. Dad’s been caught red handed.

SAM

What’s a --Hey! That’s not fair!

Dad quickly puts the two chips he’s already been able to snag into his mouth as Sam positions her body to protect the remaining pile. The commotion causes Mom to finally look up from her phone. She’s not impressed.

DAD

(to Mom)

Life’s not fair. Remember?

INT. APARTMENT LOBBY – NIGHT

Dad enters the lobby and heads over to the post office boxes. He is dressed sharply, wearing a nice grey suit. The suit looks like it might be new but Dad’s face looks worn out. He’s had a long day and it’s kind of ruining the outfit. As he flips through his mail, he gets a phone call.

DAD

Hello?

He stops flipping. This phone call is more important than pizza flyers.

DAD

Hi Catherine, I’m hoping this is good news?

There is a moment of uneasiness before we see that Dad is clearly devastated. Rejection stings at any age and you never quite get numb to it.

DAD

I’m sorry to hear that. Was there any particular reason why?

(beat)

No I understand. Thanks. Please keep me in mind if anything similar comes up.

(beat)

You too.

Dad stares at his phone after hanging up. It’s like he’s mentally trying to undo that phone call from happening.

INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT

Mom is in the kitchen chopping up vegetables when Dad enters and greets her with a kiss.

MOM

Hey! Didn’t hear you come in. How was the interview?

DAD

Honestly? I have no idea. They were pretty hard to read.

MOM

Well I still have a good feeling about the other guys. Hopefully you’ll hear back from them soon.

Dad stares at mom as she picks up the cutting board and turns towards the stove. He really doesn’t want to ruin the great mood that she is in.

DAD

They actually called me today. Just before I came in.

MOM

Let me guess, another interview?

DAD

Worse. I didn’t get it.

Mom turns back towards dad. She can’t believe it.

MOM

Really? Three interviews and no offer? That’s ridiculous! How can they just waste someone’s time like that?

DAD

You’re telling me...

The two share an uncomfortable silent moment before Sam bursts into the kitchen. She’s completely oblivious to the tension in the room and skips over to give Dad a hug.

SAM

Why are you making dinner? Dad said we’re getting pizza today.

MOM

Did he?

Mom gives dad a look that says “you have some explaining to do”.

DAD

I said maybe. Mom’s already started on dinner and I’m really tired. Sam, we’ll have to get pizza another time.

This time it’s Sam that can’t believe the words that are coming out of Dad’s mouth. The shock on her face quickly turns to every parent’s worst nightmare -- pre-crying face. Sam quickly turns into an incomprehensible blubbering mess and rushes out of the room just as quickly as she came in. Mom glares at Dad.

DAD

Don’t give me that look. I was really hoping for a celebration meal!

Mom stays silent. Dad gets even more defensive.

DAD

We can make her one. We have perfectly good frozen pizza at home!

MOM

You know how much she loves pizza. That’s not fair.

Mom leaves the kitchen to go comfort Sam. Dad winces as he slams his keys on the kitchen counter. He knows he just messed up. He loosens his tie and begins looking through the mail he’s just brought in. There are a few too many past due bills in the pile.

DAD

(to himself)

Life’s not fair...

Just in case he wasn’t feeling shitty enough, Dad looks up to see that the stir-fry that Mom was making has begun to burn.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Sam’s bedroom might look small and messy to the average adult eye but to her the bedroom is perfect. The moon shaped light-night on the wall and the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling give the room an outdoor feel. The only thing messing up the illusion is the muffled sound of her parents arguing in the other room. Sam lies in bed wide awake.

MOM

(Offscreen)

How many times have we talked about this? Exactly. It’s really just that simple. I can’t keep letting this go over and over again. It’s not okay.

DAD

(Offscreen)

So you’re just going to leave? Like our vows mean nothing? Like we don’t have a child that needs both of us?

MOM

(Offscreen)

Don’t you dare try to hide behind Sam. I will always be there for her. You need to start taking responsibility for your actions. This isn’t college anymore.

Sam rolls over to her side as we hear the sound of a door slam and the sound of footsteps coming towards her door a few moments later. She panics and pulls the sheets over her head. Sam is so terrible at pretending to be a sleep that it’s actually quite cute. Dad opens her bedroom door and lets out a weary chuckle.

DAD

Of course you’re still up.

Sam doesn’t budge. She insists on playing dead. Dad walks over and sits at the foot of her bed.

DAD

I know you’re awake Sam. How much of that did you hear?

Sam takes a moment before giving up the charade and pulling the sheets down from her face.

SAM

Where’s Mom going?

DAD

To Auntie Tania’s house.

SAM

Is she coming back soon?

DAD

I don’t know. I hope so.

SAM

How come you and Mom fight more than other people’s parents? It’s not fair.

DAD

It isn’t but I promise that Mom and I are working on it.

Sam is not impressed with this answer.

DAD

I want you to remember two things okay Sam? First, even if sometimes it doesn’t seem that way, Mom and I will always love you and want what’s best for you. Okay? Always.

Dad stops to make sure she’s listening.

DAD

Second, what’s the most important thing to remember about life and fairness?

SAM

(reluctantly)

Life’s not fair.

INT. APARTMENT LOBBY – NIGHT

Sam, now in her teens, is almost unrecognizable. In fact, if it wasn’t for the nametag on her Wal-Mart employee vest we probably wouldn’t recognize her. Streaks of messy blonde and blue hair poke out from underneath her beanie hat and her nose ring and multiple ear cartilage piercings indicate that she is clearly going through a bit of a rebellious phase. She wears large headphones over her ears that blast loud punk music. After grabbing the mail, Sam quickly heads for the elevators.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Dad sits in the living room smoking a cigarette as he watches a baseball game. A polite person might say that Dad has not aged well and a blunt person would say that he looks like shit. There are dark bags under his eyes and his shirt is dirty. There are far too many empty beer bottles scattered across the coffee table in front of him and he barely budges as Sam enters the apartment and wrestles off her vest behind him. She heads straight towards her bedroom without greeting him.

A moment later a furious Sam comes storming back into the living room and walks directly between Dad and the TV.

SAM

Where’s my desk?

DAD

You mean my desk. I bought that thing before you were born. Now if you don’t mind, it’s the top of the eighth.

SAM

I’m not doing this. Where is it?

Dad pulls a few crumpled bills out of his front shirt pocket.

DAD

And I guess technically some of it is over here too.

Dad sarcastically gestures towards the beer and food on the coffee table.

SAM

You pawned my desk? Are you fucking kidding me? I had three weeks of pay hidden in there!

DAD

Shit..Looks like Alberto got a great deal then. I guess that’s probably why they always say that keeping family secrets are bad. To avoid situations like this.

Sam stares at him in disgust for a moment, trying desperately to hold back her tears. She grabs a pack of cigarettes off of the coffee table and storms back to her room.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

There is a blank corner of the room where Sam’s desk clearly used to sit and the moon shaped night-light may also be gone but the glow-in-the-dark stars in Sam’s bedroom still remain. Sam sits at the base of her bed smoking a cigarette as her runny mascara begins to dry. She stares deeply at an old family photo of a much happier and much younger Sam playing at the beach. As we close in on the photo we can’t help but notice that Sam has a tattoo on her left wrist that reads “LIFE’S NOT FAIR”.

EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT – DAY

Sam, now middle aged and looking a lot more like her mother, stares at her own reflection in a car window. This isn’t the stare of someone trying to make sure their outfit looks okay, this is the stare of someone deep in thought and apparently someone else has noticed.

SAM’S HUSBAND

Sam?

Sam’s turns to her left where her husband is standing towards the trunk of the car with what must be their son. The two look like they walked out of a department store catalogue in their stylish matching black outfits. Sam snaps out of the daze that she’s in and heads over to join them. They walk towards the church hand in hand like a perfect family.

As they near the church they see a giant sign with a familiar face. This is Sam’s dad’s funeral service.

SAM’S SON

Why am I the only one that has to miss Daniel’s birthday party? This is going to be so boring, it’s not fair.

Sam stops walking and crouches down to look her son in the eye. She has the same grave look on her face that her father once gave her all those years ago. She stares at her son for a moment and just as she opens her mouth to potentially utter those three pesky words we cut to black.

The Only Truly Renewable Energy Source

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE BREAK ROOM – DAY

Larry Bayschen, a nerdy looking scientists in lab coat, pours himself a cup of coffee as he wraps up a conversation with someone offscreen.

LARRY

I remember what those years were like with Allen, we must have gone through a box of tissues a week! If only we could find a way to convert all of that energy into electricity right? I’ll see you around buddy. Hey, don’t forget to send me that email!

Larry, still smiling at his dumb joke, begins to stir his coffee when his eyes widen and he suddenly stops. He reaches into his shirt pocket for a pen and begins to frantically write on a nearby napkin.

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY

Larry now stands at a whiteboard in his office and is still frantically writing away. He has used up most of the whiteboard and is struggling to fit whatever he is writing into the last corner when he stops and pauses.

LARRY

I’ve always wanted to do this.

Larry moves down the wall from the whiteboard and continues writing on a window instead. We see that he is writing complex math formulas.

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY – LATER

Larry stands in the middle of his office admiring his now completed masterpiece. We finally get to see the entire whiteboard and window. They’re both filled with incomprehensible math but also several diagrams that are instantly recognizable – diagrams of dicks. Giant dicks, tiny dicks, dicks with formulas in them, annotated dicks with formulas outside them, just lots and lots of dicks. Larry walks to his desk and presses a button on his telephone.

NANCY (OFFSCREEN)

Yes Mr. Bayschen?

LARRY

Nancy, I think I might have just cracked this whole thing. I’m going to need you to clear my schedule for this afternoon because I’m really on a roll here.

NANCY

Oh okay. Well I don’t want to throw you off or anything but you didn’t have any meetings scheduled anyway. Anthony actually just cancelled. Is that all Mr. Bayschen?

LARRY

No uh. One more thing.

NANCY

Yes?

LARRY

This is going to sound a bit odd, so I’m just going to go ahead and say it. Can you buy me a bunch of those shake weights? It’s actually work related.

NANCY

Sure it is..

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY

Larry types away busily at his computer when the front door to his office bursts open and another scientists walks in.

HAKEEM

Hey Larry, we were just going to go grab some coffee. Want to join us?

Hakeem sees a Larry furiously using the shake weight below the table. It looks quite inappropriate.

HAKEEM

You seem busy, I can always come back tomorrow.

Hakeem begins to head back out the door when he notices one of the formulas on the whiteboard.

HAKEEM

Wait a second, is this what I think this is Larry?

LARRY

Yeah, you’re actually the first person that’s seen it. What do you think?

HAKEEM

Larry I’m going to be completely honest with you. This is going to be either the most brilliant or most idiotic thing to ever come out of this office. Do you really think it can work?

LARRY

I don’t know. I still haven’t found any reason why it can’t.

The two lock eyes. Hakeem is intrigued.

MONTAGE

-Larry walks Hakeem through the various formulas throughout the room. Larry is extremely excited when he notices that Hakeem has suddenly stopped nodding along. Hakeem stops Larry as if to say “You forgot something” and then draws a few hairs on one of the dick diagrams. The two smile at this dumb joke. So far so good.

-Larry shows Hakeem his brilliant idea on a modified shake weight. Once again, it looks quite inappropriate. Hakeem shakes his head and snatches away the shake weight. Hakeem then begins using it even more furiously – using two hands instead of one. This is much better.

– Larry sits at his desk screwing together what appears to be a small watch while Hakeem stands behind him. Larry puts the watch on his wrist and begins using the shake weight (using two hands of course). As Larry continues to pump away, a lightbulb on his desk flickers on. Both of their jaws drop in amazement.

LARRY

Holy shit. It works perfectly.

HAKEEM

Nope, not yet.

Hakeem walks across the room to the window sill which has hand sanitizer on it. He pumps a little into his hand, walks over and transfers it into Larry’s hand.

HAKEEM

Now it’s perfect. I think you’ve finally earned it Larry.

The two laugh at this exceptionally dumb joke like only nerdy scientists could.

INT. SUPER FANCY HOME OFFICE – DAY

Larry and Hakeem sit in an expensive and intimidating home office. Across from them sits an impeccably dressed man who looks exactly like Anthony Weiner. The two scientists are showing him a video of their experiment. There is an uncomfortable silence after the video stops playing as Anthony tries to comprehend it all.

ANTHONY

Are you guys messing with me? You guys have to be messing with me right?

LARRY

No, sir. This is 100% real.

ANTHONY

Look, I know you scientist types are late bloomers but you do know what this looks like right?

HAKEEM

We’re well aware. It uh, it actually inspired the design.

ANTHONY

And there’s no way we can use the technology in a less...graphic way?

LARRY

It’s by far the most effective design. Humans don’t often move in such a vigorous and repetitive manner.

ANTHONY

Unbelievable. We put 40% of our R&D budget into this and this is the result? A demo video that looks like something out of an awkward high school health class.

Anthony slams the laptop screen down in disgust.

ANTHONY

You guys remember all the feminine hygiene jokes when the iPad came out right? This is going to be a million times worse than that.

Anthony closes his eyes and rubs his temples as he thinks.

ANTHONY

(sarcastically)

Marketing is going to love this.

EXT. ROADSIDE – DAY

A burly man in a bright orange vest finishes putting up a giant roadside billboard. As he finishes, he steps back to admire his work and giggles. The billboard says “The Planet Comes First” in big bold letters with a photo of Larry and Hakeem’s device. In smaller letters it says “The world’s first renewable energy pocket rocket. A Weiner Industries product.”

INT. STOCK EXCHANGE STAGE – DAY

Anthony Weiner stands behind a large podium, in front of an enthusiastic audience.

ANTHONY WEINER

Today is an important day in the history of Weiner Industries but we are not here today solely to celebrate our success and IPO. No, today is much more important than that. Today is a celebration of human ingenuity.

INT. HOME OFFICE – DAY

A middle aged woman sits at a desk typing away when the lights in her office begin to flicker. She immediately begins to pump away on a shake weight looking device and the lights return back to normal.

ANTHONY WEINER (V.O.)

Today we are celebrating the innovative thinking that has brought into this world a powerful and reliable new energy source.

EXT. ROADSIDE – DAY

A middle aged man sit in his car roadside. We can’t be 100% sure but it certainly looks like he rubbing one out vigorously. He finishes and then starts his car.

ANTHONY WEINER (V.O.)

An energy source that is portable and efficient.

EXT. STREET – DAY

A homeless man pumps away on the sidewalk right next to a small portable heater.

ANTHONY WEINER (V.O.)

While also remaining cheap and accessible enough to bring electricity to even the least fortunate.

INT. STOCK EXCHANGE STAGE – DAY

We’re back at the IPO podium.

ANTHONY WEINER

So it’s only right that I ask Larry Bayschen, the man who invented this revolutionary power source, the man who Weiner Industries and the world at large will forever remember as a scientific genius to help me ring this bell. Mr. Bayschen?

Larry smiles and joins Anthony as the crowd roars. A bit of a chant even begins to break out.

CROWD

LA-RRY! LA-RRY! LA-RRY!

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY

Larry is fast asleep in his chair with his feet on his desk as a conference call blares over the telephone speaker on his desk. He abruptly wakes up as he hears his name.

TELEPHONE VOICE 1

What do you think Larry? Larry? Larry?

TELEPHONE VOICE 2

I think we might of lost him.

TELEPHONE VOICE 1

Larry? You still there?

Larry scrambles to get his bearings. We see a glimpse of his notes which contain crude drawings of “Anthony Weiner-face” in the margins.

LARRY

Uh, yes. Yes, sir. Still here guys.

Unfortunately for him.

Supervillain Gregg Popovich

INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR – NIGHT

COACH GREGG POPOVICH stares at a GIANT NAKED MAN that floats upright in a glass pod filled with water. Popovich runs his fingers along the glass and marvels at what is soon to become his newest basketball player.

COACH POPOVICH

It’s beautiful. This is your finest work yet.

We see that he is talking to a MEEK SCIENTIST who presumably created whatever this floating human thing is.

COACH POPOVICH

Can we make it’s hands bigger?

MEEK SCIENTIST

Bigger? They’re already a lot bigger than the last one.

Popovich gives the scientist a harsh look that says this is not a conversation we are going to have. He’s practiced this look on countless sideline reporters over the years.

COACH POPOVICH

They need to be even bigger.

MEEK SCIENTIST

I’ll see what I can do.

COACH POPOVICH

That’s not a yes. Are they going to be bigger the next time I come back here?

The scientist acquiesces and nods.

COACH POPOVICH

Good. I wanted to talk to you about Steve’s guy. Steph.

There is notable disgust in Popovich’s voice.

COACH POPOVICH

Can you believe the ego on that asshole? Who uses their own name? I thought Phil had a big head and even he had the decency to use the name Michael.

The scientist open his mouth to respond to this when Popovich continues.

COACH POPOVICH

And Steph’s not even better. He’s just more likeable. I thought we had that sorted out in the last release.

MEEK SCIENTIST

About that. It uh. It turns out the data we were using was a little outdated. Braids and a cool nickname just aren’t enough anymore. We can try to keep working on the personality but it’ll slow down everything else.

COACH POPOVICH

Forget it. It’s too late. Put all those resource into shot development. Let’s give the two Steves a run for their money.

Popovich begins to head toward a pair of large elevator doors before stopping and turning.

COACH POPOVICH

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I know I’m being sentimental but let’s give Timmy a little more juice. I have a feeling that this is going to be the year it all clicks.

Popovich presses the up button and enters the elevator

MEEK SCIENTIST

Pop?

COACH POPOVICH

Yes.

MEEK SCIENTIST

The new guy needs a name. So far I’ve just been calling him Bobby.

COACH POPOVICH

Bobby? That’s not bad. He needs to be foreign though. People are going to start asking questions if it’s another American.

Popovich thinks for a moment.

COACH POPOVICH

We’ll call him Boban. Boban....Marjanovic.

The elevator doors close on a grinning Popovich.

 

Horrible Product Endorsements

100% authentic Napa Valley wine – Ginuwine
Tinder (or Ashley Madison) – Tiger Woods
Those see through couch covers every grandma has – Tom Cruise
Some type of sports bra – Janet Jackson
Kickboxing cardio classes – Solange Knowles
Extremely fast acting sleeping pills – Bill Cosby