INT. STUDIO – DAY
THE OPENING GRAPHICS AND THEME MUSIC of the show begin. It initially seems like your typical wacky game show intro except the camera work is a little too frantic and the studio audience has no white people in it.
STUDIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
It’s now time for White People Say the Darndest Things! As always, the white people on today’s episode are not scripted actors and have not been told what to say. Now let’s get going and bring out our host – STEEEEVE HARVEEEEEY!!!
STEVE HARVEY swaggers out onto the centre of the studio stage. What should be a quick walk to centre stage takes forever due to his excessive waving, grinning and pointing to audience member as they cheer him on.
STEVE HARVEY
Welcome to White People Say the Darndest Thing everybody! On today’s show we have not one, not two, not three but four white people! That’s right – double episode!
The audience cheers at this news.
STEVE HARVEY
To my left we have Dick and Phyllis O’Callahan!
DICK and PHYLLIS (60s) blankly stare at the camera. Dick sweats excessively under the stage lights and they both look uncomfortable.
STEVE HARVEY
And to my right we have Tanner and Cheryl Hawthorne!
TANNER and CHERYL (20s) seem much more comfortable on stage. Tanner waves at the camera while Cheryl blows a kiss. Steve walks over to Dick and Phyllis.
STEVE HARVEY
Now Dick, do you like your name?
DICK
Yeah, I love Dick.
STEVE HARVEY
But even you have to admit. It doesn’t have the best connotations.
DICK
Screw the connotations Bill. It’s my name and I’m proud of it.
STEVE HARVEY
I’m sorry. Bill?
DICK
I’ve been watching your shows since forever Mr. Cosby so I feel like I know you pretty well. I was kind of hoping we we’re already on a first name basis.
STEVE HARVEY
I think there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding. My name is Steve Harvey. Bill no longer hosts the show.
DICK
You’re not Bill Cosby? What happened to Bill?
STEVE HARVEY
He’s been a little busy with his own issues lately. We can talk about it during the commercial break.
DICK
So are you related? You just look so alike!
STEVE HARVEY
Nope not related. Let’s talk about your family instead. You have any kids?
DICK
We have a daughter named Shannon and a dog named Aaron that’s pretty much like our son.
Dick takes a photo out of his wallet. It’s a picture of their dog messily kissing Shannon on the mouth.
STEVE HARVEY
Are you guys all so affectionate?
DICK
Don’t try to make this weird Bill. There’s nothing wrong with a little peck between family members. We all kiss each other.
STEVE HARVEY
And what does Shannon do for a living?
PHYLLIS
She’s a DJ, model and actor. I always joke that she has more jobs than a Mexican!
The studio audience, which laughed at every absurd line prior to this, does not laugh at her joke. A shot of the crowd shows unanimous disapproval.
STEVE HARVEY
What about you guys? What do you guys do?
DICK
We’re retired so we haven’t been doing much recently. Mostly just writing and eating. I really enjoy writing correction requests to newspaper editors and Phyllis just started a foodie blog so we’ve been out there eating up a storm!
STEVE HARVEY
What’s the most exotic thing you guys have eaten Phyllis?
PHYLLIS
Definitely this small Portuguese place we tried a while back. I think it was called Nando’s?
Steve gives his infamous look of exasperation into the camera and walks over to Tanner and Cheryl.
STEVE HARVEY
So where you guys from?
TANNER
Atlanta.
STEVE HARVEY
C’mon now. Ain’t no white people from Atlanta. Cheryl, where you really from?
CHERYL
Well I’m 3/8ths Scottish, 1/8th British, 4/12ths German , 2/13ths French and 1/19th Italian.
STEVE HARVEY
(fake counting on his fingers)
Damn, all that math just to add up to...one white person, that’s crazy! How long have you two been married?
CHERYL
We’re not.
STEVE HARVEY
Well how long y’all been dating?
TANNER
We’re brother and sister.
STEVE HARVEY
So? I hear that’s not a problem down south!
Steve gives a cheesy grin to the camera as the audience laughs
STEVE HARVEY
Now Tanner, that’s a bit of an odd name for you isn’t it. I mean we’ve already established that you’re pretty white. Do you know who named you that?
TANNER
My mom I guess.
Tanner points to a MIDDLE AGED LADY in the audience.
STEVE HARVEY
What’s your relationship with your mother like?
TANNER
I mean most of the time we’re pretty cool. You know except for when she’s acting like a bitch.
The audience gasps in unison. Mothers in the crowd begin shaking their heads and frowning in disappointment. Tanner’s own mom begins to blush in embarrassment.
STEVE HARVEY
Can you give me an example of a time where she was being a bitch?
TANNER
I never said she was a bitch. I said she was acting like a bitch. There’s a difference. Like sometimes she won’t let my friends come over. Or she’ll enter my room without knocking. The worst is when she buys diet Pepsi even though she knows I think it tastes like shit compared to regular Pepsi.
STEVE HARVEY
And how does your mom normally react when you tell her she’s acting like a bitch?
TANNER
Usually she acts like an even bigger bitch. Like she’ll take away my Xbox or something.
STEVE HARVEY
What else does she do to punish you?
TANNER
That’s it. She takes away my Xbox. What could be worse than that?
The audience laughs. Steve turns to Cheryl.
STEVE HARVEY
Cheryl, I understand you haven’t seen your mother or any of your family for a while?
CHERYL
Yeah, I just came back from a year of travelling! It was my gift to myself for graduating college and getting my first job.
STEVE HARVEY
An entire year of travel? Sounds expensive! What did you study that pays enough to afford all that?
CHERYL
I double majored in communications and humanism. I actually had to dip into my savings to pay for the plane tickets and my parents helped out with accommodations and food. Nothing too extravagant though – just hostels. I really wanted to slum it with the locals to get the authentic experience you know?
STEVE HARVEY
So where are you going to be working now?
CHERYL
I’m actually not sure if I still have a job lined up. I finally got the chance to go through my email after being off the grid for so long and my boss seems way less chill about my travelling than I thought he’d be..It’s cool though, I think I want to go to graduate school anyway.
STEVE HARVEY
And what are you planning on studying this time?
CHERYL
Food nutrition I think. I got really into veganism and buddhism when I was in India. I even got this tattoo – it says curry in Sanskrit. Ironic right?!
As Cheryl shows her tattoo to the camera, Steve Harvey returns to centre stage.
STEVE HARVEY
Well it’s certainly been interesting meeting all of y’all but we’ve got to get to the final section section of the show – the free for all. This is the part of the show where we open up the floor to both families to talk about a current events issue. Today’s issue is the recent NFL protests. Dick, you seem like a big NFL fan – what are your thoughts on these protests?
DICK
I hate them. When are these blacks going to finally quit crying racism? You’re millionaires for god’s sake! It’s like you said Bill, maybe if they pulled up their pants and didn’t look so thuggish the police wouldn’t be so afraid!
Steve Harvey opens his mouth to remind Dick that he’s not Bill Cosby before changing his mind.
STEVE HARVEY
What about you Cheryl? You seem like you disagree..
CHERYL
Yeah, as a fan of hip hop music, I’m pretty aware of the issues the black community faces so I’m completely in support of the protests. In fact, I even went as Colin Kaepernick for Halloween.
She pulls up a picture on her phone and shows it to the camera. It’s photo of her in a Colin Kaepernick jersey and blackface.
STEVE HARVEY
And you Tanner? What are your thoughts?
TANNER
I’m all for protesting, just pick a better way. I don’t think they should be disrespecting our flag and our veterans.
DICK
Excuse my French Bill but what the hell does kneeling have to do with our veterans? Stop fence sitting young man. Do you think the blacks are whining or do they have a point?
TANNER
Look I do think the police brutality issue is definitely overstated. Black on black crime is a magnitude worse and we don’t seem to be as concerned with that.
DICK
Exactly! This is a man that has his head on straight Bill!
TANNER
And even beyond this issue, I just feel like we’re moving towards an era of reverse racism . I mean the number of scholarships and internships my girlfriend is able to get just because she’s Asian and female is insane!
DICK
Wait, your girlfriend’s Asian? You can do better than that son.
TANNER
Nobody asked for your opinion grandpa.
STEVE HARVEY
Now come on now Tanner. There’s no need for name calling. Dick what’s your problem with Tanner dating an Asian?
DICK
I don’t have a problem with it. I just think it’s a sign that he couldn’t find someone better. Someone more like him.
TANNER
Fuck you, you can’t just talk about my girl like that! You think I won’t swing on you cause you’re old?
Tanner lunges toward Dick.
DICK
It’s about time someone gave your generation a whoopin!
Dick stand up and begins waving his cane aggressively.Two burly security guards jump on stage to separate the two. Steve Harvey takes this moment to address the camera.
STEVE HARVEY
Well that’s all the time we have today on White People Say the Darndest Things. We hope you can join us next week!
The credits begin to roll. They are completely normal except the first two which are tiny and scroll through at a much faster speed than the rest. These happen to say “Created By – Bill Cosby” and “Executive Producer – Bill Cosby”.