INT. PRESS CONFERENCE – DAY
DR. MOHAMED ABDULLAHI stands at a podium in front of a crowd of reporters.
DR. MOHAMED
Once again, I’d like to thank you all for listening so attentively to our Ramadan press conference. In addition to our website which has been updated, the press packet you’ve all received contains some additional basic facts and FAQs about the month. I’m sure some of you are eager to ask questions however, so I’m happy to open up the floor.
Dr. Mohamed points to a reporter on his right.
NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)
Nancy Jeffries, CNN. When you say refrain from food and drink, what type of beverages are we talking about? Is it just a month off from alcohol or is it all beverages? Where do you draw the line?
DR. MOHAMED
Well actually, Muslims are completely forbidden from drinking alcohol year round so that’s not too much of a change. However, Ramadan fasting does apply to all other food and beverages.
NANCY JEFFRIES
Even water?
DR. MOHAMED
Yes, even water. Next question?
Dr. Mohamed points to his left.
BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)
Becky Sanderson, Us Weekly. Sorry, she just asked my question. I was going to ask about water.
There is an awkward pause as we all question why it took Becky so long to put down her hand.
ETHAN MILLER (FOX)
Ethan Miller, Fox News. What is your response to those who’ve been saying fasting is un-American?
DR. MOHAMED
Who’s been saying that?
ETHAN MILLER (FOX)
(clearly lying)
People.
DR. MOHAMED
Did these people happen to mention why it would be un-American?
ETHAN MILLER (FOX)
Everyone knows that America’s all about freedom and choosing to restrict yourself so severely just seems kind of...un-American.
DR. MOHAMED
I’m not sure I would 100% agree with that first statement but as far as I’m aware American freedom includes religious freedom and the ability to choose your own beliefs and rituals. Think about it this way, people choose to diet all the time – is dieting un-American? Next question.
BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)
Becky Sanderson, Us Weekly. How do you guys not die?
DR. MOHAMED
I’m sorry?
BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)
Well I would think that 30 days without food or water would result in, you known – death?
DR. MOHAMED
We break our fasts every night. I guess we’ll have to add that to next year’s press packet.
NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)
Do Muslim’s brush their teeth during Ramadan? Does that count as breaking your fast?
DR. MOHAMED
Nope, since toothpaste isn’t a food that is ingested it would be fine.
NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)
What about gum? Sometimes I swallow my gum by accident, would that be fine?
DR. MOHAMED
Yes, since you didn’t intend to eat the gum that would also be fine.
NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)
I read somewhere that we eat eight spiders a year in our sleep. What does Islam have to say about this? Say I was dreaming about food, would that count as intent?
DR. MOHAMED
I’m not sure. I’ll have to reach out to some scholars and get back to you on that one.
ETHAN MILLER (FOX)
Can you comment on a recent study that indicates that Ramadan hunger related anger is fuelling terrorism?
DR. MOHAMED
I haven’t heard of that study can you tell me more about it?
ETHAN MILLER (FOX)
I think that we can all agree that most Muslims are pretty angry and I know I get angry when I’m hungry so maybe the two are related?
DR. MOHAMED
Once again, not sure that I’d agree with that first part. And without concrete proof, connecting those two claims just seems a little outrageous to me but I’ll have to look through that report before I can comment. Can you send it to me?
ETHAN MILLER (FOX)
Sure..It’s been quite a while since I’ve read it so I’ll have to see if I can find it.
Dr. Mohamed nods and points to another reporter.
DR. MOHAMED
Yes, Becky?
BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)
Becky Sanderson, Us Weekly. Can you tell me a little more about the benefits of the Ramadan diet?
DR. MOHAMED
I wouldn’t exactly call it a diet but yeah I guess there could potentially be health benefits. I’m not a medical doctor though so I can’t really comment on that.
BECKY SANDERSON (US WEEKLY)
But your name’s Dr. Mohamed? And I’m pretty sure I heard you referring to it as a diet earlier in this press conference.
DR. MOHAMED
(exasperated)
I have my doctorate in Islamic Theology and I was just using dieting as a somewhat analogous choice earlier, sorry for the confusion.
NANCY JEFFRIES (CNN)
My neighbour who’s a Muslim once told me that it’s extremely offensive in his culture to turn down a gift or invitation. If I invite him over for dinner in Ramadan what would he have to do? Say yes or say no?
DR. MOHAMED
I don’t want to speak for your neighbour but I think most Muslims would say no. Ethan, you get the last question.
Nancy pumps her fist in joy. She clearly doesn’t like her neighbour.
ETHAN MILLER (FOX)
How do you think Ramadan fasting affected Barack Obama’s effectiveness as President?
DR. MOHAMED
Come on Ethan, you really think you would fool me with that one? But for the record, Obama’s not a muslim.
For some reason Dr. Mohamed winks slowly as he answers that last question. As the press conference wraps up and all the journalists begin leaving the room we close on Ethan from Fox news. He’s clearly frustrated and a look at his notepad reveals several potential outrageous headlines that have been crossed out. He then smiles and writes out a new one “Potentially fake Muslim doctor questions America’s freedom and refuses to respond to Ramadan rumours. Terrorist? We’ll let you decide.”