Ugly Babies and the Parent License

You ever see someone so ugly you wish their face came with a little warning? Something like:

Warning: The following face may not be suitable for all audiences

My friend just had a kid and his baby has one of those faces. Look, while I’m certainly not mean enough to straight up call an infant ugly, I am honest enough to say baby Tamara isn’t cute. Which is saying a lot for a baby. That’s pretty much the only thing you expect from a baby and Tamara just isn’t holding up her end of that deal right now.

Of course it’s not her fault, it’s her dad’s fault in two ways. First, he literally made her and when the meal is messed up you you don’t get mad at the food you blame the cook, you know what I mean? Second, he really should have warned me before I witnessed the traumatic experience that was his daughters face. That was probably too far. Hopefully she’ll grow into it. 1

The first time my friend told me about Tamara was a little over 9 months ago. 2 I remember having two distinct thoughts upon hearing the news. The first was “Congratulations I’m so happy for you,” which is the thought your supposed to have. My friend really wanted a kid and this wasn’t one of those oh shit I guess we gotta just roll with it and pretend we’re happy situations. The second one was the more honest one which was “It’s kind of crazy that we let just anyone have a baby!” 3

Luckily for me, I didn’t say that thought out loud.

It’s kind of insane that there are no rules around who can or can’t have a kid. Think about it this way, you need to pass three separate tests to ride a moped but when you have a kid it’s literally just

“Here you go. I hope you don’t mess him up too bad!”

That’s crazy! Let’s be real, a bad moped driver is mostly just a danger to himself and the people around them. Eventually natural selection kind of just sorts that shit out. You know who a bad parent is a danger to? The entire planetary population. You think Hitler couldn’t have used a slightly more loving dad? A bad parent can do way more damage than a bad moped driver.

Child protective services isn’t enough, you should definitely need some sort of license before even having a kid. I was on a bus one night at around one am with this guy and his toddler. Now look, do I absolutely know that he was a bad father from our 10 minute bus ride? No. But I do know that:

a) He was on public transportation at one am with a toddler.

b) He had a tattoo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on his neck. All four, from Donatello below his right ear all the way across to Michaelangelo below his left ear. It was like a hoodrat Mount Rushmore. 4

Now I’m pretty sure that if this guy showed up to his local adoption agency with his TMNT tattoo it would have went something like this.




Look I know I don’t have car or a job but I have a good heart and I really want to adopt a kid. Can I?

The CASE WORKER begins to laugh hysterically.


Yet somehow just because the kid squirted out of his dick (or his significant other if we’re being anatomically accurate) we need to wait and see how everything turns out. It’s a huge double standard. A neck tattoo is just a few inches a way from face tattoo and I think that we can all agree that anyone with a face tattoo probably shouldn’t be raising children. 5

  1. Hopefully for us mostly. Also her dad was kind of a ruthless player back in the day and neither of her parents is particularly bad looking so karma might just be a real thing.
  2. Because that’s how biology works for all you virgins out there. *Points vaguely in the direction of a nervous looking teen*
  3. Really tells you all you need to know about my faith in friend’s parenting abilities.
  4. Honestly, if he wasn’t holding a toddler in his lap I would have been really impressed. That’s how good the tattoo was.
  5. I say probably only because who’s really going to tell Mike Tyson he’s not father material. You gotta prepare for the exceptions.