Racism Connoisseur

At times being black and Muslim feels a little like winning the lottery twice, except instead of getting money you get racism, which is way less fun. It’s not all bad though. One of the benefits of being both is that you get really good at distinguishing between different types of racism. You become almost a racism connoisseur.. And like any good connoisseur you get to know your likes, dislikes, your flavor preferences and just generally end up with a more refined racism palette.

For example, my least favorite type of racism is one you might not expect. My least favorite type of racism is the assumption that all black guys are extremely well endowed. Not because it’s not true ladies but because like anything in life, it’s all about managing expectations. If I were (hypothetically) slightly above average as a member of any another race it would be totally cool. But just because I’m black all of a sudden it’s a disappointment? That’s just unfair. It’s textbook racism and I won’t stand for it. 1

My favorite type of racism is what I like to call public transportation racism. Public transportation racism is when all the seats are taken except for the seat next to you and there’s a standing middle aged lady standing who looks way too scared to sit down. I always feel conflicted when this happens because on the one hand it’s definitely hurtful but I also really enjoy my personal space. The joke’s on you lady – you just did me a huge favor. Thanks for the racism. It’s never someone you want to sit next to you. It’s always the lady that’s kind of talking to herself, with the huge jacket and the nail clippers which she definitely planned on using.2 The point is racism isn’t always bad. Sometimes, racism works out for all parties involved.

  1. I mean I’ll probably still get it up but that’s besides the point
  2. The thing that annoys me about people who cut their nails on the subway, beyond the fact that what their doing is disgusting, is that I guess their doing it to save time? But it’s never someone who looks super busy. It’s never a guy in a suit with a Bluetooth earpiece cutting his nails. It’s always some retired lady who’s just reached that old age where she doesn’t care anymore. That age where you stand up to give an impromptu speech and everyone gets really nervous.