All You Can Eat

This is a bit of a controversial opinion so I’m just going to put it out there. I think North America’s official sport should be all you can eat buffet. First off, let’s face it, it would be more accurate at this point. We have an obesity problem so we might as well lean into it. 1 Also just think about how intimidating that would be at the Olympics. Walking out at the opening ceremony with giant spoons and forks like:

Oh your national sport is running? That’s cute. We have so much food we eat it for sport.

I actually think that all you can eat restaurants are more competitive than sports because not everyone is into sports but everyone likes taking advantage of a potential deal. It doesn’t matter if you’re 100 pounds or 400 pounds, everyone sees a buffet and thinks the exact same set of thoughts. They always starts innocent and then get super competitive:

$19.99 for as much food as I want? That’s a great deal. In fact that’s an irresponsible deal. How dare you offer me this deal? Challenge accepted. I’m gonna put you out of business.

Because no one goes to a buffet to eat a comfortable amount of food. You don’t even go to a buffet to get your moneys worth. Everyone goes to a buffet with one intention only – to do as much damage as financially possible.

We take buffets so serious in our family. I remember one time we were going to a buffet for my sister’s birthday and I forgot and made breakfast. Big mistake. My mom came down and just straight up smacked the toast out of my hand..then threw it in the trash..then came back and smacked me on the back of my head..then went back to sleep without saying a word! I deserved it, I almost broke the cardinal rule – no eating before the buffet. 2

Buffets change my dad too. Because my dad’s not all that into sports but when we’re in the car on the way to a buffet he turns into an overzealous coach. As soon as we get within eyesight of the restaurant he starts his pregame pep talk:

Now this isn’t just any restaurant were going to this is an all you can eat buffet! So I don’t want to see you drinking any water, eating any bread, in fact no carbs whatsoever! We’re here for protein and dessert only! Mo I know you like noodles but we have those at home so stick to the game plan!

The only thing that’s missing is us huddling up outside the car and yelling break. 3

Now all you can eat is not a single player sport. You’re facing off against an opponent and it’s not the owner. It’s the waiters. The second you take a sip of water you better believe that there’s going to be a waiter asking you if you’d like a refill. Or just to “top it off”. They always come out of nowhere too. I’m pretty sure teleportation has already been invented and it’s being used exclusively by all you can eat buffet waiters.

My favorite part is the post game because you would think that you would leave an all you can eat restaurant feeling better than you came in. But that’s not what happens when you eat four and a half pounds of roast beef, shrimp and cheescake. It creeps up on you slow too. First you start breathing heavy..then you start sweating for no end up leaving the buffet looking like you just ran a marathon! 4

  1. As much as people love to, you really can’t blame teens for this. At that age, road hockey just can’t compete with hot-pockets, air conditioning and naked internet girls.
  2. It wasn’t until she threw the toast in the trash that it finally all clicked like “oh yeah today’s buffet day”..because the only thing my mom hates more than us wasting food is us not taking advantage of buffet pricing.
  3. Sometimes I like to mess with him and I’ll say something like “But I hear they have really good pasta!” It makes him so mad and it works every time.
  4. You know those before and after photos in weight loss commercials? Buffet photos are like the opposite of that.